Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
LIFE SUCKS!!!

I went to her house to deliver the stuff she bought yesterday but lefted in my car. Actually went to the pearl tea place and got her grass jelly stuff. I'm trying to be very considerate. However, the other guy was there w/ her watching the movie "election." They both sat in the futon under the same blanket, I was extremely MAD. She did ask me if I want to stay there and watch w/ them. But I don't think I could contain my anger for that long, don't thinkg a lot of guys can do that. Just told her I'm busy and got stuff to do and left. Five min out of her apartment, she called me about the grass jelly, she's not sure what it is. Hmm, could she just checking and see I was really mad. But I pretend that nothing happen and told her what it is. After all, I'm not going to lose my proud sefl-control, not in front of her right now!!! Went home to decided to run in the rain. Ah, nothing feels better than that. Running in the rain and feel the strong wind blowing at me give me the same feeling as if I'm driving really fast. THIS really help me take my mind of everything that happened in last 24 hrs - my friend saying that I really should have passion in my work (which I don't these days) and her w/ another guy in the same blanket, all cozy and watching a movie together. I think I soon need a vacation away from these stuff. Not so much a physical vacation where I just lay in bed and do nothing, but more of a mental vacation and just do something different to compeletely occupy my mind and relieve the stress that I'm under.

I had decided to confront her before she leaves for Chicago. It don't matter anymore. My friends and sister are right, the early this thing gets over one way or another (probably more bad than good), the easier my life will be. I think after three and half years out of college, I'm starting to lose motivation in what I'm doing. If it wasn't for the great friends I made at work and the money, I probably will quit and travel around the world to open my eye and get some more experiences about life. Right now, I don't have a sense of direction about my life. I don't know what my goal is and I really felt longly even though I had a lot of great friends. I don't want to bother others w/ my own trouble, I'm only going to share my joy w/ them but I'll need to get myselft out of my own sorrow.

I think I'm going to start running tomorrow during lunch time if there is rain. There is nothing that take my mind off than just plain physical activity to block myself from thinking too much. These days, I really wish that I have more simpler mind (like an idiot). That'll prevent me from thinking too much about my current situation and flow along like the majority of people in this world. Maybe joining the peace corp would be a great idea. This won't be the first time I'm thinking about this and it won't be the last time. If it wasn't because of the expansive car that I just bought, I'll definitly quit the job and volunteer in some poor areas of China to help. Not because I'm that great of a person, but it'll make me feel superior while doing a good deed to the world, two birds w/ one stone. hehe.

I just realize what I want for Christmas. A mp3 player (like ipod) so I could listen to music while working out or jogging.

OK, I think after I confront her, I'll give myselft a day or two to heal and then it's time to move on w/ my life. I had already decided the place to go for healing too. It's place I haven't been to in a long time, mission peak. Looking down at the bayarea from that peak will make me realize there is a lot more of this world and my life than just her. See how I am able to heal myself in short time. This is when my self-control and my forgetfulness should be very useful. Well, in any case, wish me luck, either w/ confronting her or getting over her. But it's not like anybody is reading this anyway except for myself.
posted by HELL at 23:37