Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
Why punish myself both emotionally and financially for someone like her. Just let go, let go of the love, the hate, the anger, and whatever else that might tie to her. From now on, it's going mean absolutely nothing and just always kept in mind that there will be no good ending in this relationship, regardless how hard I tried... sigh...

posted by HELL at 00:27

 
I don't know, I'm not sure how I should treat her these days. She's as her usual self, treat me like dirt and her other friends much much better. Invited her to dinner so she could avoid spending time in her "apartment oven", of course she rejected my invitation but then came up with a lie that she's going home to cook. Later I found her car and she's nowhere to be seen at work, which led me to conclude that she went with one of her friends to dinner as usual. I don't mind getting rejected and someone else having a higher prority in her life, I'm used to that. It's the fact that she lied that pissed me off. sigh... Oh well, I just have to do what I had already decided and let life take its course, fully prepare for a complete burn out. Like I stated before, it's going to be determine by August/September. Although, I'm pretty sure that I'll spend my bday along in the beautiful surrounding of halfmoon bay. sigh... It's so sad... Always wonder if it's better for me to just break all contact right now.
posted by HELL at 22:07

 
Just remembered one thing, she was very happy and excited today. Must had a great time in Champgne with her boy friend. sigh.... Oh well, at least she's happy.
BTW, I had some evil laughs tonight 'cause my t-shirt had finally arrived. Too bad I had to wait 'til friday to wear it.
posted by HELL at 01:05

 
First day seeing her since I was notified of the bad news. Obviously, I was more quieter and sometimes more rude than usual. The surprising thing was that she was more kinder and nicer than usual. Here are some examples: She actually say yes to my lunch invitation (which I was fully expect to be rejected, as usual), She actually PAID for lunch for both of us, she actually pay me back for the money she borrowed, and she actually invite me to pearl tea tomorrow (and if she actually pay for that one, then I know something is up). I told her that this must be my lucky day and I think she'll agree too :)

So as can be seen by my experience today, I had not decided what to do with the new information yet. For the time being, I'll just act the same way around her 'til I can decide on a course of action. I'll need some times to plan how I should deal with this problem. Hopefully it'll be soon, but for now, I'm not going to do anything differently other than I'll try not to go out of my ways to help her... BTW, I told my friend at work about the fact that I had found out about her boy friend. He's probably right, I shouldn't really care about her anymore...
posted by HELL at 22:19

 
How ironic, just find out the girl I love had a boy friend all along, and the go to a wedding to celebrate my friends' love. Hahaha, sigh... I don't know how I am suppose to do. All my past life experiences never prepare me for this moment. At least I had another new experience and I had just learn a new lesson in dealing with other people. I guess I'll have to treat this as tuition for learning the in-and-out of a relationship and how to minimize the pain of a failing one.
posted by HELL at 20:35

 
Another morning, wedding to attend in a few hours. Mad and yet very confuse of the signal she sent out comparing to the fact. Just don't understand her, maybe I never did. I sunk too deep too fast in this relationship to see clearly. I never did spend a lot of time observing, sigh... That's what let to my downfall this time. Life seen to have its own twist already designed for me. I'll try not to dwindled in the past. Face the future, for that is the only thing I have the ability to change now...
posted by HELL at 09:09

 
SAD SAD DAY My deepest fear had came true. She does have a boyfriend in Chicago, I had confirmed the worse fear which I had been kept in the deepest of my mind for the last year or so. Here is the excerpt from her sister's blog:

On Saturday, I had a fajita lunch with friends. It was my sister's bf's bday and he was turning the golden age of 25. The big surprise was that his brother and his gf flew into town just to spend it with him.

Haha, I'm so stupid. I should have know, all the signs point toward that. I should have listen to myself. Last year's chinese new year party, there was a conversation she had with her friend and I clearly though I heard her mention about her bf, and I just choose to ignore it. I'm sure there were other signs that she have a bf and I'm just so choosing to ignore it. Oh well, all I can do now is to chalk this off as a bad investment and move on. This time for real...

Ah, she didn't even had the decency to tell me the real reason behind her trip back to Champagne, her bf's birthday. She had to use her sister's b-day as an excuse. Thanks a lot. I'm not going to type too much right now, I'm sure it's understandable. Right now, I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Lost for word" and "Marooned". Ah, how approriate... I'll need sometime to clear my head.

Well, I had decided for now I should pretend to be an idiot and act as if I don't know anything. Not sure wheater I'll be the same toward her but I won't confront her at the moment. I just want to see how long she's going to play me like a fool. Wonder if all her friends knew about it and just watching me acting like a fool for the last year. I can already feel the anger building inside me, will have to look for ways to release it soon.

One thing I now for sure is that my b-day is going to be very lonely, spend by myself, drinking tea and overlooking the ocean near sceneric route off hwy 92. SO SAD....

Side note: there's a wedding I must attend tomorrow, just a mental note, no alcohol, it's not good to drink when you're in a bad mood...


posted by HELL at 09:05

 
Ah, I got to start treating her just like another co-worker. So let's wait and see if I can do that. I'm kinda nervous about August and September, but once it's over, I sure feel fine and just moving on. One thing I know for sure, my birthday will be a lonely day. That's for sure. BTW, I'm hoping to head off to South Africa in August/September time frame for my long-waited and well-deserved vacation with my friend from Taiwan. Yeah...

Oh yeah, I felt more like treating her like a little girl than anything else.
posted by HELL at 23:00

 
Starting to get worry about her father's father's day gift. The chinese program (handdragon) in the Sony Clie will expire 45 days after installation. I try to find the registration crack right now but to no veil. Thought about just buy the program and get the reg code for her. But maybe my friend is right and I should just tell her that I tried my best and she'll have to think of some other ways. I just send an IM message to my friend telling him that I need intervention regarding her :) Wonder if I can become a loner again, I used to be so good at that, sigh... Should really talk to a few more married people, nah...
posted by HELL at 11:08

 
She helped me with buying a wedding gift for my friends' wedding next week. The afternoon and night went pretty well, except when she would ask one of the guy if he had time tomorrow, probably planning on going to SF or something like that. Also, when she would go off to answer phone calls while I had to restraint myselft to act gentlemen-like and not listening on her conversation. And she obviously did not appreciate me giving her the store hour regarding a hobby place, keep on teasing me. I'm don't care about the teasing part (everybody does it to me and I return the favors often), just the part that she didn't show much appreciation. There is one surprise though, for the first time ever, she mentioned that she wants to treat me too. Actually, I think her words were "we should treat alternatively". That's somewhat new. I guess she start feeling guilty. Ha, kinda late now. For I don't care much for any sympathy or guilt from her. The only thing keep me continue on this road right now is my will not to surrender so easily w/o giving a fight. And the fact that I'm still a little more that three months away from my own deadline. So, two more milestone to go. One is when her parents arrive here in the bayarea, another one is my birthday. We shall see how she treats me during these two events and I'll find out where I am in her pecking order of friends.

Sometime I feel like I'm beginning to treat her more like a little sister than a potential gf 'cause she acts so immaturely. Yet, she can be decieving. She's a smart girl and I know she can easily see how I feel about her. So I'm thinking she's just taking advantage of me. Not for long though, hopefully in 3 months all will end...

And my friend is just like her, never listen to me. Ask him a couple of days ago about his palm dragon program. He basically just ignore me and then today ask me why he's program expired. I really hate this. No appreciation for my hardwork.

My next T-shirt idea, my slogan will be "I'm loud, nosy, and superficial, but I'm a liar"


posted by HELL at 23:31

 
Wow, big surprise today for me. The big boss came by and talk to me about moving to a new group and learn something new. BTW, that's the same group she worked in. Interesting proposal, so I'll have to think about this for sometime. Obviously, the fact that she worked there right now will have some weight on my decision, just don't know it'll be a positive or negative one.

As ususal, I offered my service to drive her to the airport, and as usual she rejected. This had become a common theme whenever she's leaving for Chicago. I don't really feel much hurt in her turning me down, it's expected. However, I did remember a lot of times when she won't listen to me and then later found out that I was right: "My sassy girl", "Feeling 100%", Matrix not on IMAX until later, and list goes on and on. I am fruastrated that she rarely listen to my advice. Maybe I should mention that tomorrow. Maybe I should also mention that she did promise to make me dinner and downgraded to a dinner in restraunt and then downgraded again to some lunch. I'm still mad about that. Well, I have until my birthday... It'll be a lonely day, I can already predict it.
posted by HELL at 23:01

 
The cherrie picking was okay. Of course, I'm just a guy there for her to order around, buying sandwich, buying bagel, don't drive too fast, give the sandwich to another guy, and long list of things. sigh... So, not that much different than what happen in a normal day.

Bring her "rice bundles" (at least that's how she called it). But she wanted them in the fridge, which I did as told. Then she couldn't find them for lunch and I got a bad voicemail. Oh well, like it matters to me, sigh... I do all these nice things for her, but never ever get any special from her :(( 'Tis my life. I just go to get out of this cycle and move on with my life.

BTW, visited my cousin's million dollar house. It looked great, wish I was 6 years older so I could have a chance to live a life like that :)
posted by HELL at 23:47

 
We're going to cherrie picking tomorrow. Although, as usual, I got a "nice" treatment when I ask if she need a ride to the meeting place. Well, not unexpected :( sigh... I guess this should end soon. Only another 3 1/2 months until my birthday, when all things end... I'm definitly spending my birthday by myself, at least I doubt anybody would do anything for me... (Although, maybe sister will setup a dinner or something, but that's tough considering her current economic situation) Hmm, I think I'm going to pick up some nice tea before I'll head off to the halfmoon bay.
posted by HELL at 22:59

 
Well, went with her to dinner at the sushi restraunt that I wanted to go with her last month. It was a nice place and she approved of it. I'm glad, hahahaha... So I spend some nice quality time with her. Always a good thing, and nowaday I have much better self control. I recognize that she's going to just see me as somebody she can take advantage of. And I accept that and moving on. And one day, when I find someone else, I'll change. But for now, this is how things will be and so be it...
posted by HELL at 23:05

 
Ah, she think I'm out there 'cause what I did on saturday night with the drinking and calling her while drunk. Probably true. But I had fun there and great stories to tell...
Finally I pointed out the fact that she always make me get stamps for her pearl tea card and yet I never actually got to use it. And all she did was thank me for the card. Oh well, I knew she want to take advantage of me for a long time so not surprise at all... Yup, so I don't much care about this, at least not as much as I used to. Now, it's time to catch up with old friends over the next few weeks.
posted by HELL at 00:13

 
Wow, kinda got drunk last night at one of my friend's brother's wedding. Yup, we been doing that (getting drunk) often lately. Not a good thing. In fact, one of my friend got so bad that his parent had to call 911. He woke up in a hospital. BAD.
The bad thing for me is that I called her up while we were drunk and loud. I told her that I were in a wedding and that I were drunk. She said okay and then I told her i'll talk to her later and hung up. I'm sure I'll have to pay for this. Either she'll ignore me and give me the cold shoulder treatment. Or she'll yell at me about why I call her when I'm drunk. Either way though, I don't much care. I'm just having fun and enjoying myself. This is the best I felt in the last few months 'cause for the first time in a long time, I don't care much about how she feel toward me (this is the truth). I'm beginning to see past her. My eye are not fixated on her every move anymore, I can see the future without her being there. This is great, I'm really beginning to move on. I guess those ashes had guide me well :)
posted by HELL at 09:32