Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
Talk to her on the 27th, just chatting a little. But she cut me short, told me she'll call back later. Got no call from her, and then I got sort of sad and decided that I really should moved on. Then she called back on the 28th and apologize and chat for about 10 minutes. I'm just such a bad phone-talker that I can't carry on a conversation over the phone for a very long time. So I kinda cut it off at 12 min mark, plus I got to go eat anyway.

Bought her a very nice gift from the Disney store at LV, hope she'll like it. I can't do this and expect myself to move on. Ahhhh, I need to make up my mind soon. Although my friend think that I should just wait 'till she's back here and then decide. Hmmm, she'll get me a Christmas gift, I hope.

Spend a lot of money, $360.72 to be exact, on buying clothing and shoes. I don't think I ever spend this much money on clothing in any single year.

Call one of my old highschool friend at a very old phone #. Hope that's still his # :) Send him an email and ask him for his contact # here at home. We'll see if he's going to respond or not.
posted by HELL at 11:46

 
Wow, so amazingly, while I'm waiting in the buffet line in Caesar Palace, my phone started vibrating. I had a hunch who's calling, but still I was extremely surprise when she called. She must consider me a close friend to call me on Christmas day. I don't know how many people she called that day to say "merry christmas" but still I'm very happy that she kept me in her mind. :)

On a sadder note, it's more than a day past Christmas and I still recieved no Christmas gift this year :( When I complained about (I think I had the right to since I spend so much money on gifts for other people), I got yell at by my sister. She should understand I don't really complain too much and the only person I whine to these days is her, she still my OLDER sister. It's OK, I'm so used to getting yell at by her that I pretty much always ignore her when she's angry.

On a even sadder note, even my sister notice my lack of patience and self-control these days and suggested that I need some vacation. Damn, I think everybody is right, I really need a vacation. Now if only I have the money and time to go to that Mongolia trip I always wanted....
posted by HELL at 00:30

 
She responded to my email faster than I expected. She ask for a hint regarding my christmas gift so I gave her hint about the Docker mobile pants. So looks like the only Christmas gift I'm getting is a big 1L beer mug from Dresden, Germany and maybe a pair of Docker's pant. How sad... All the thought and energy and time and money I put into this year's gift and this what I had in return. Oh well, there is always next year.
posted by HELL at 11:28

 
Great snowboarding day today. Call her up to wish her a safe trip home. Well, I'm tryin to be a good sport and do what a gentleman friend would do. Like I said, I always proud of my logical side and its self-control power. Although sometimes I really wish I could be more open w/ my emotion and just let it go. But in that case, somebody will get hurt 'cause I know how violent I can be :)

The more I looked back on this whole thing over the last 6months (which I kept reminding everybody that I'm in Taiwan 4 out of those 6 months), the more I could see how stupid how I was for not seeing a lot of signs of the type of girls that she is and how little she really cared about me. I'm not being revengeful here but just logically analyzing this for the first time in a long time. She never really cared that much about me. She allowed other people to help her out, meeting her parents, while keeping me away, and making me helping her w/ her work while she's out w/ her friends and families. Damn, how stupid was I??? I guess Judy's wedding really make me want to be w/ someone so badly that I lost sight at what I really look for in a girl and who I really am. Somehow, w/ the stress of work and the fact that I really wanted tobe w/ someone had taken a toll on me and changed me to a slave to the very type of girl that I don't want to deal w/ in the old days.

She was a cute and sweet girl by all mean. I'm not even sure she's notice this, but she was very good at accepting gifts and helps from guys around and leaving all of them thinking that they had a shot. She enjoyed playing the field and making guys doing things for her. She might not doing this on purpose, at least I hope not. But it's time for me to bail out while I could. I don't want to sink any deeper into this. My time and energy are limited these days and I don't want to waste it at some fruitless attempt. Plus, this would be just the situation I always wanted to be in, be nice innocent bystander, watching from the sideline, while the idiots kill each other off in the field and fighting for something that most of them never had the chance to even touch it from the very beginning. How nice, finally pulling myself away from this and then moving on to better future. Of course, some would said this is nothing but just a sour grape. But this is exactly how I felt right now and I don't really care about what other thinks or expects.

I still value the friendship between us (since we work in the same place, I don't want to cause a scene by making drastic changes). Therefore, I'll continue to be her good friend from work. But I'm going to start to keep her at an arm's length and slowly I'll be able to remove her completely from my heart. It's sad that this how my first love interest in 7yrs going to end up. But hopefully, it's just God testing me before giving me the big reward :)

Key thing to remember: Moving on can be slow and painful process, I must stay focus and fight thru it... LIFE SUCKS!!!
posted by HELL at 23:16

 
Had that Christmas dinner w/ her. The place was great. Never got the chance to bring up much about our relationship w/ her. Found out one of the guys is living w/ a female roommate. Fournd out that one of the other guys who got laid off is going to come back and work at CMP.

She liked her Christmas gift very much so. It was one of the very cute hello kitty crystal figures on see-saw. I thought it was cute, so did she. Glad that she loved. Talk quickly about her friends and found out one of the guys is going to give her a ride to the airport. Damn.

Right now, I'm very tired w/ this relationship, or lack there of. I basically told everybody that this dinner is going to be the last hurrah. Unless something dramatic happen, otherwise I'm done w/ it and going to move on. I want to cut my loss here and not spending more time and effort that eventually going to be fruitless.

It's so sad. I spend well over 1k on Christmas gift this year and yet, I'm not going to get a single gift back. What is wrong w/ me? or those I cared enough to give gift to. But I guess this is a test to see how much of this unfair treatment I can take. We shall see, we shall see.

Off to sleep, got to hit the slope tomorrow for the 1st time this season.
posted by HELL at 22:49

 
Well tomorrow is D-day for me. One of my friend is shot down today by the girl he likes. Hmm, looks like life is not going so well for people in our group. So sad. Let's pray for something good to happen.
posted by HELL at 23:12

 
Wow, my proud self-control is back. YEAH. I really think running in the rain helped me a lot in terms of calming me down. Did the same thing today, feel great, I think I'll do this more often.

Well, I'll try to ask her out soon and then we shall see how she responds. This weekend I'll confront her one way or another. Let's cut my loss here and move on w/ my life. Can't spend too much time dwell on this. Don't I sound like a proto-typical Libra or what. I'm regaining control of my life and you know what, it feel much better. Now the biggest thing I need is some motivation or some goal in life. I think MBA should be very helpful in setting my plan for the next few years, as suggested by my boss. Maybe I could even get somebody to pay for part of the tuition.

Still hoping one of my penny stock will go big and get to $10. Then I'm ready to buy a house or something. Man really hoping that'll happen.

Continue to workout, hope to gain 6 packs and a nice toned body by next year.
posted by HELL at 23:56

 
LIFE SUCKS!!!

I went to her house to deliver the stuff she bought yesterday but lefted in my car. Actually went to the pearl tea place and got her grass jelly stuff. I'm trying to be very considerate. However, the other guy was there w/ her watching the movie "election." They both sat in the futon under the same blanket, I was extremely MAD. She did ask me if I want to stay there and watch w/ them. But I don't think I could contain my anger for that long, don't thinkg a lot of guys can do that. Just told her I'm busy and got stuff to do and left. Five min out of her apartment, she called me about the grass jelly, she's not sure what it is. Hmm, could she just checking and see I was really mad. But I pretend that nothing happen and told her what it is. After all, I'm not going to lose my proud sefl-control, not in front of her right now!!! Went home to decided to run in the rain. Ah, nothing feels better than that. Running in the rain and feel the strong wind blowing at me give me the same feeling as if I'm driving really fast. THIS really help me take my mind of everything that happened in last 24 hrs - my friend saying that I really should have passion in my work (which I don't these days) and her w/ another guy in the same blanket, all cozy and watching a movie together. I think I soon need a vacation away from these stuff. Not so much a physical vacation where I just lay in bed and do nothing, but more of a mental vacation and just do something different to compeletely occupy my mind and relieve the stress that I'm under.

I had decided to confront her before she leaves for Chicago. It don't matter anymore. My friends and sister are right, the early this thing gets over one way or another (probably more bad than good), the easier my life will be. I think after three and half years out of college, I'm starting to lose motivation in what I'm doing. If it wasn't for the great friends I made at work and the money, I probably will quit and travel around the world to open my eye and get some more experiences about life. Right now, I don't have a sense of direction about my life. I don't know what my goal is and I really felt longly even though I had a lot of great friends. I don't want to bother others w/ my own trouble, I'm only going to share my joy w/ them but I'll need to get myselft out of my own sorrow.

I think I'm going to start running tomorrow during lunch time if there is rain. There is nothing that take my mind off than just plain physical activity to block myself from thinking too much. These days, I really wish that I have more simpler mind (like an idiot). That'll prevent me from thinking too much about my current situation and flow along like the majority of people in this world. Maybe joining the peace corp would be a great idea. This won't be the first time I'm thinking about this and it won't be the last time. If it wasn't because of the expansive car that I just bought, I'll definitly quit the job and volunteer in some poor areas of China to help. Not because I'm that great of a person, but it'll make me feel superior while doing a good deed to the world, two birds w/ one stone. hehe.

I just realize what I want for Christmas. A mp3 player (like ipod) so I could listen to music while working out or jogging.

OK, I think after I confront her, I'll give myselft a day or two to heal and then it's time to move on w/ my life. I had already decided the place to go for healing too. It's place I haven't been to in a long time, mission peak. Looking down at the bayarea from that peak will make me realize there is a lot more of this world and my life than just her. See how I am able to heal myself in short time. This is when my self-control and my forgetfulness should be very useful. Well, in any case, wish me luck, either w/ confronting her or getting over her. But it's not like anybody is reading this anyway except for myself.
posted by HELL at 23:37

 
Wow, finally got a chance to go out w/ her to shop. Bought mom a watch worth $850, wow. Never thought I'll that much money on gift for mom. Oh well, this will keep her from nagging about me not spending enough time w/ her or helping her.

Shopping w/ girl is not easy. In&out of banana republic for 3 times, carrying bags after bags of clothing. I'll never laugh at those guys who sit silently and staring into obeyss, I now understand what they're thinking. They must be thinking "when will this torture end?" j/k. I actually enjoy shopping w/ her. She's such a good shopper, know the right thing to ask, the right thing to look at, and the right time to show the money. I really should shop w/ her more often. Man, why is woman always good shopper? Next time, if I want to buy anything big, I'll get her to go w/ me. I hope.

Went to her friends' party, just got enough time to said hi and then chat about couple non-sense and then I'm off to see my friends.

Went to SF to hang out w/ couple of friends coming in town from east coast. Couldn't believe that we had graduated from Berzerkeley. We now have 1 lawyer, 1 soon-to-be lawyer, and 1 still grad student, and 1 lowly engineer (me). Well, it'll be great if they all comeback to bayarea. I'll have more friends to hang out w/. I told them about my work and kinda got a bit disgruntle about work. They kinda surprise about how much I hated my work right now. Only if they had gone thru what I had been thru the last few months :( You gain some, you loss some. Oh well. One thing I got out this conversation is that I really need some vacation fast before I really burn-out. Damn, I can't wait to get on my board and head downhill. hahaha.
posted by HELL at 02:56

 
Well, I'm taking a lot of heat at work for showing too much affection for her. Man, some of my co-workers can be really mean, but I have pig skin so I don't give a damn about what they said. I accidentally cause her to choke by saying something funny while she drink some water. I end up apologizing for the next 15min. Also notice she was wearing a neckalace a friend (I know it's a guy friend) gave her for her birthday. Damn, I'm somewhat upset by this (even though I'm not surprise by it at all) and I just felt very tired doing what needed to be done to be w/ her. I just want to clear this whole thing up so my life (social life) can be back to normal, more or less. Sigh. I really need some sleep and some excitements in my life.
posted by HELL at 21:10

 
Well, the stuff from November 3rd and on was lost. Actually, I was away in Taiwan from the 3rd 'till 6th of december. Damn, I'm losing a lot of times 'cause I'm never here in USA enough ever since I started liking her after my friend's wedding in late june. Let's see, that's 12 weeks out of 25 weeks that I'm in Taiwan. AHHHHHH!!!! I want to spend more time w/ her but job is keeping me away. Been somewhat of a workaholic, I can't really just leave my responsibility behind at work just to hang out w/ her. Although I'm kinda doing that already. Wonder if she ever notice, probably not. Being reasonably cute girl in a male-dominant major such as ECE, she got to be treated like a princess by her male friends at school. I know I did that before. For god sake, maybe I should get away from work or school and get to know some girls outside of this two settings.

Well, told her about some reorganization news I just heard at work. She was eating dinner at the time, she sounded like she's irritated to hear about it, or just because I called at the wrong time :( I apologized and probably will again later. Man, I'm treating her like a princess. Gosh, if nothing happens by the end of this year, I really think I should move on and just keep her as one of those token female friends that I always have.

Got a visit from my big boss today, he congradulated me on a job well done in Taiwan :) But still grilled me about situation in Taiwan. Well, at least this means a pay raise is possible in the future.

Can't wait for my new car to arrive. It should be at port on wedensday. Hopefully I'll get it before she leaves for home so I could take her on a joy ride along scenic route of Hwy 1.
posted by HELL at 23:32

 
OK, here is what I wrote from mid-October to early November.

October 9, 2002

Very skillful in avoiding my attempt to have semi-dinner @ her house, very good.

October 11, 2002

I feel like a playing toy. I got to get some more self-control. Ask her if she want to go test drive car, got a no. Just remember that she eats lunch w/ one of the other guys. Feel jealous but more importantly exhausted from all the stuff I do for her that didn't get me ANYWHERE. What will the white knight do when the princess left w/ the other knight

October 13, 2002

Right now, I think I just take this slowly and see how the other two guys do. Hmmm, need to think of a cool gift for her birthday. Also, need to take her out to dinner, probably 22nd since don't think I could get 23rd, the actual day. Oh well, 'tis life.

October 14, 2002

Invited me to eat cake, cool!

October 15, 2002

Ask me about the type of b-day present she ask her sis to get. Is this an attempt to remind me that her b-day is coming up? Hmmm, what should I get her?

October 16, 2002

Talk about gay couples and some other stuff, got her laugh and happy. Should get a pat on the head for that :)

October 17, 2002

She's irritated by work and I will try to calm her down. Seem to work ok. Thought about how it's been 7yrs. since I felt for someone. Sad!

October 18, 2002

Talk about my plan trip to LV for Jacky Cheung's concert. She seem to be interested. Should I ask her to go? But she didn't seem to have that much interest the other day when I told her about the concert. Wonder if something change or I'm just oversensitive! Why is it so hard to guess what woman think about? She also did not answer straight forward when I kinda ask about bring my ps2 over to test it, instead she change topic. Is she hinting to me about keeping a certain distance between the two of us or telling me to be more aggresive? So hard to guess! She ask if I want to go to Dave & Buster and after some thoughts decided not to 'cause I don't want to deal w/ all the people. Also realized that the other guys probably will be there. After she left, I went to check her system and thought I saw her car. After closer inspection, confirm it's her car (I'm a pathetic fool). Somebody must've had pick her up already-probably the other guys. My heart ached. Good thing I'd a car, nothing make me feel better (also help calm me down) than rolling down the window and blasting music. After dinner and some pleasant conversations about good friend's good fortune w/ his love, came home and look @ the website she just showed me. Just REALIZED how much of her life I HAD NO IDEA about! So sad, tried to comfort myself and switching between continue going after her or stop and heal the wounds. If I continue, my chance is slim and I'll get hurt more and more. If I stop, I may not love again for another 7yrs. SAD SAD SAD!!! NOW, I really need sometimes away from her to clear my thought. And w/o her appearing in front of me all the time, I could solve this. Should I keep w/ this current routine? I SHALL, UNTIL THE DAY SHE INTRODUCE ME HER BOYFRIEND!!!

October 20, 2002

Went to work mainly because she called me to ask for a favor. A bit down when I saw her w/ one of the other guy. But the fact that I orderred my car kept my spirit high. After I'm done w/ work, went to see her and glad to see that she's alone. She also drank from my bottle of coke, cool! Said good-bye twice to me (maybe she didn't heard my good-bye response to her good-bye). Now it felt totally worth it to do this. I'm so easily satisfied! Poor fool! BTW, watched "A Walk to Remember" w/ her and the one of the guy. What shall I get her for her birthday? Sister suggest I should get two movie tix so she will feel guilty and then invite me to the movie. HA, wishful thinking.

October 21, 2002

She invited me to her b-day party on wed. (10/23). Too bad I had a bball game. Maybe I should take her to dinner tomorrow. We'll see about that. Went w/ her to deliver wafer in Fremont. Then got pearl tea. But the best thing was that we went to shop for her b-day gift. Got her a little jar w/ golden horse in it. It took about 1/2 hour for her to get the gift, she's picky, just like other woman shopper, HAHA. At least she love the gift. She's a little worry about layoff and I tried my best to calm her. I think the gift really distracted her from that. A job well done. Sister suggested that she could be 2 types of girl, either take advantage of guys, or she really does like me. Obviously, I want her to be the 2nd type. Again, I reiterate the fact that I'll give myself until 9/27/03 to clear this up. Pray for good endings now!!!

October 22, 2002

Very busy today, didn't get a chance to talk a lot w/ her and didn't see her. Nice to know that she cared enough about me that she chose Outback in Campell to accommodate my bball game :)


October 23, 2002

Very very busy today. Still made it to her b-day party but didn't order anything but a glass of Foster. Gave her the gift. Feel good 'cause one of the other guy sit in corner quietly while I socialize w/ all her friends. Ha

October 24, 2002

Too busy to see her. She did send a couple pages to thank me for going to her b-day dinner & the gift.

October 25, 2002

Barely got a chance to see her. Talk a little bit more her b-day gift. She was cute when she complained about how I was supposedly going there to talk to her, not browsing the web. This is one of the reason why I like her, a change from dealing w/ all the too-independent engineer girl (not that I don't like them). It was also nice for her to remember me when she works late.

October 26, 2002
Got a chance to talk to her before left work. Find out she’s staying home and cook for herself. Cool, she actually remember that I don’t like thousands-year egg. She mention that she want to see the movie “the ring” wonder that if it’s a hint that I should ask her??? Life is ok if it wasn’t for the hard work and the impending layoff. Transfer the this journal of my from memo form to word document.

October 28, 2002

Finally had a pearl tea break w/ her. Had fun talking to her about niece & stuff. Mention about Jacky's concert, she express her interest in going to celine dion's concert (in vegas). Is it a hint??? Got shot down again w/ dinner, at least she gave me a explaination about it. She had a skin problem that she had to watch out for. Thus she could not eat a variety of food. Oh well, I'll attempt again tomorrow.

October 29, 2002

Took time off from my busy schedule to have pearl tea w/ her and then grossary shopping (3 items). Comfort her about the impending layoff. Found out there was a cheap tix for a movie she want to watch. Told her about it. Will see her there. But what happen if she comes w/ another guy. I'll be devastated!!! But let's take a chance and see what happens. Well, the other guy did came and I became the driver. But at least she didn't just brush me aside & treat me like dirt. She was scared by the movie & at 1 pt grabbing my arm. Thus, I did enjoy this movie. Still needed a fast drive & loud music to calm me down. Maybe I am the jealous type.

October 30, 2002

Had pearl tea w/ her. Talk about various stuff.

October 31, 2002

Dressed up as a cowboy, in true holiday spirit. She smiled. I'm happy. I'm such a pathetic fool that even the smallest thing she does I'll get excited & then overanalyzed.

November 1, 2002

Co-worker said the darnest things. One of them try to said something in front of her and me, try to embarrass me (she’s going w/ the other guy to lunch). Well, I need to let him know that is not acceptable??? I knew she went to lunch w/ the other guys. I know she always goes out w/ the other guys. So what, I’ll do what needs to be done and that’ll be that. I don’t give a damn about what other people said. The whole mood is so poor in the company ‘cause the layoff is around the corner. Try to calm her and comfort her, tough to do in this environment.

November 2, 2002

Finally, after many tries, went out w/ her this afternoon prior to my leave for Taiwan. I would love to stay here and be w/ her thru the tough time but work is work. Went w/ her to shop for friend’s baby gifts. And then went w/ her to Michaels to look at cross-stiching stuff (I think that’s what it called). Had some fun there and then went to check out the mall. I can see myselft dreading going to shop w/ girl. I’m just not the shopping type. Had her post-birthday dinner at a nice Japanese restaurant called Furu-Sato in Campbell. Had some nice time talking to her. After dropping her off and pick up my dvds, she walked me downstair and then she looked she wanted to give me a hug but I kinda walked away, I’m A BIG IDIOT!!! The good thing is that I’ll see her tomorrow again so hopefully I’ll get something then. I still feel bad about leaving her at this time. But I do feel good about the progress today. Kinda sad that she called another friend (probably the other guy), but let’s just take one step at a time and see how thing goes. I promise to be more aggressive when I come back. December shall be the month where I’ll try to make the move based on the circumstance.

posted by HELL at 23:20

 
Try to put my new email address on this but it's not working so I'll type it in for the moment.

hellfreeezeover666@yahoo.com

IF by chance anybody got to read this blog and decide to talk to me, feel free to contact me at this email as often as you want. Weirdos are welcome, but spammers are not.
posted by HELL at 01:51

 
OK, after idiot Sony Clie lost a good portion of my journal from 11/3 to 12/6, I had decided to move everything here. It doesn't matter to me if anybody reads this or not, but I just want to record how I feel about this one girl that I'm madly in love (not sure about how madly yet) from work. It's been many many years since I felt this strongly about someone. This journal shall only contain the truth, and only the truth, so help me god. So many people lied to others and themself that they couldn't tell what's reality and what's fantasy anymore. I admit that sometimes I felt right in the same catogory as them. So I'm just as big of a loser as everybody else in this world.

Over the next few days, I'll upload what's left of my journal on here. It'll contain all my real feelings. Except I'll have to omit names so I don't get harassed in real world:)

Just a quick introduction of this girl. She works in the same company and same division as me, but we never work on the same project or side-by-side before. Usually I'm the one who goes over to her workplace and hang out and keep her company (at least I hope that's how she feels). I admit that she not the cuttest, prettiest, or the best figure girl I know, she's doesn't have the nicest personality, she isn't a millionair's daughter, nor is she treating me better than her other guy friends (at least I didn't notice any difference). She doesn't fit really into my ideal of a woman that I'll love. However, I had very strong feelings toward her. Pathatic me, I didn't have the guts to ask if she have a boyfriend or not. This is what happens when you spend that last 7 years thinking that you're above huge emotional swing by staying away from any possible relationships (trying to be like Vulcan is tough on your social life). Being a Libra, I was too logical, and analyze everything before taking any chances. And now I realized that a lot of time there is no logical explanation in human relationship. The more I see of the world and the more I see of people, the more convince I am of fate. Sometimes, fate determines everything. Fate is not just a simple concidence but more of right moment w/ the right setting w/ the right people w/ the right mindset w/ the right history. So much variables controlling it that it's beyond any possible human calculations or analysis. Einstein is wrong when he said "God does not place w/ dice" (or something to that effect). God not only place w/ dice, but he as much of a gambler as any gambling addict in Las Vegas. Ok, time for me to go to sleep, I'll update this tomorrow evening and decide who I should send invitation to view this blog.
posted by HELL at 01:38