Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
A quick side note: the girl that my mom's life insurance agent introduced me to, never going happen. She claimed that I was too self-absorbed. I thought I was just telling the truth when I told her I'm busy for the next three weekends, which I was. I could've put it in better terms and she didn't have to be so sensitive. Well that's that. So my first setup-date was over, just like that :)

Shouldn't have done all the stuff I had done last sunday. I promised myself I won't go the extra mile for her anymore, but instead, I went the extra light year. I'm still as pathatic as before. Got to learn to stop caring about her. Truly, that's the only way to do it. I need time away from her, from all that would remind me of her. (Like that'll help) Actually, what I really need is another possible target, working hard to get to that right now :)

"Hurt" By NIN

I hurt myself today,
to see if I still feel,
focus on the pain,
it's only thing that's real
posted by HELL at 00:35

 
My birthday came and gone. It went without much fanfare, in fact, I didn't even see anybody I know except for my sister's family. I just decided that it's better for me to enjoy my birthday in my own way, speeding hwy 1 with loud music and no one on the passenger side. And I did it. I didn't spend anytime with any friends. In fact, I didn't even have dinner, just a cup of instant noodle. It's one of my saddest birthday ever, only wish that next year will be better than this. But one thing I did a good job at is not letting friends know about my birthday. I just got two phone calls wishing me happy birthday, one from one of my best friend and the other from her (she needed something from me). And I didn't get any birthday gift or dinner from anybody. Either I had been a very bad person for the last year or I did a great job to hide my b-day from friends. In this case, I much prefer the latter :) I just hate birthday celebrations 'cause it's not like I did anything spectacular on that day.

Here what I had sent myself for my birthday:

To: Adam
Well,another year has gone by. So, today is the date that you'll face with your ultimate decision. So how shall it be? Will it be laughter, or sadness? Will it be courageous triumph, or humilating defeat? Will it be a nice dinner out in a romantic restraunt, or jogging in the cold dark night? So what will it be? What will you do for the next year? These are the questions you must answer... So wish you luck and a day of memorance.

- your dearest friend and worst enemy

To this I can only answer:

The decision had been made. It'll be sadness, it'll be humiliating defeat, it'll be driving (instead of jogging) in the cold dark night. I will and shall move on with my life, and stop my pursuit of her. Time will be the best medicine to heal my broken heart and I shall be strong once again in the near future.

The only thing during my birthday that was hurting me was the constant reminder of her picture (the background on her computer) of her dancing on beach near Monterey bay. I was really sad every time that image came to my head, and I realized all that I had done meant nothing to her. She never ever let me be close to her. The only time she remember me was when she needed my help. One great example, she told me she didn't have time to shop so she hadn't have a chance to pick up a birthday gift for me. However, she had the time to watch baseball (Giants vs. Dodgers) with her friends. She needed me to help her move and clean her new house (~18yrs old), that's when she called to wish me happy birthday. Otherwise, she may not even remember. More than likely, I'll give her her birthday present way before I'll get my. So sad... :( I'll probably never have my birthday dinner 'til I mention it again (which I won't).

Still helped her to transport her storm door to the new house and then helped her clean today. I even treated her to pearl teas twice during the day and also paid for dinner. (I was able to touch her on numerous occasions, but nothing that will make me jump in joy.) I don't think I can be anymore better of a friend to her than that. sigh... And yet, I doubt she'll ever appreciate it at all. I'll still be treated as second class citizen by her. The only thing I'll do here is to keep my promise to her in terms of helping her move. After that, I'll wait and see but I won't fantasize about her or going way out of my way to help her anymore. So we'll see what happens next. Maybe she'll show more appreciation when I'm no longer there by her side to take care her needs. It's time for me to end my fascination with her and move on with my own life. Life is such a bitch, especially when I had to deal with her :( I think I need professional help :) Or maybe another target to go after.





posted by HELL at 23:27

 
I won, actually it's Cal's football team that beat the fighting Illini. But now she owe me a home-cook meal :) hahahaha, it's not like I care too much. But anytime I can get something in return of my big investment, it's a good thing :)
posted by HELL at 12:39

 
Oh, one more thing. Just to show how serious I am this time. I actually started writing a letter to her about how to end this once and for all. I'm not sure yet whether if she'll ever have the chance to read it, but it's for my own peace of mind.
posted by HELL at 12:31

 
What a laugh :( The only kind things she remember doing for me was the chocolate she brought back from Chicago back in february and she gave a Christmas gift. Wow, these are only two things she had done for me in the last year, and I had no right to complain about??? Especially after all the kindness I had given to her, which I can easily name a dozen in the last month along. This is how unbalance this friendship had become. But hopefully it'll die in a week, along with my hope of this ever becoming a blossom relationship. I had told my friends that after next week's big day, I shall no longer fantasize about her, no longer going out of my way to do things for her, no longer trying my best to show my best to her, no longer place her as my number 1 priority, and no longer deny the possibility of other potential out there. This is the start of new life for me. The time of pleasing her with all my resources, the time of always dreaming about spending quality time with her, and time of agonizing over her unfair treatment of me will END. It's time for me to revert back to my old self again, so I'll need all my mights to accomplish this. So help me and pray for me :)
posted by HELL at 12:29

 
Here is my letter to Carmen

Hello Carmen,

Hope you still remember me from my previous email :) I know it had been four months since last time I email you. A lot had happened to my own relationship over the last four months, some good but mostly bad :( Finally, I had decided that it must end soon, and I will end it after my birthday (coming up in few days). Sadly, all my dream and hope for this relationship will be gone with it. But at least I'll have my peace of mind.

During the last few months, every time I had being feeling depress, I went to your site and read your writings and it helped me to feel more relax and at ease. So I must thank you again for continue writing. I just want to let you know your writing not only is a way for you to express your own emotion but it has also helped others as well :)

From your writing, I noticed that you may have some problems with relationship as well. But it looks like you having being able to get past that and moving on with life. I wish I can help you, so let me know if you need someone to talk or anything. Just hang in there and life will always turn for the better.

I know you like to travel, here is the link to a site that I think you may like it.
http://www.lonelytebit.org/

Wish you luck (and for myself too) and talk to you soon :) Always have a smile on your face because that's when you're the most beautiful.
Adam
USA (SF bayarea)
posted by HELL at 23:52

 
For a person who had been so kind and helpful to her, she sure have a "GOOD" way of treating me. I always get the bad side of her, her ranting, her anger, her illusion of how the world should work, and her treading on my dream... sigh... I had throw my dream and hope into this relationship, and she had done nothing but stomp on it with heel and torn them to pieces. Let me just point out couple little facts. She had bought her co-worker pearl tea (w/ my money), and when is the last time she pay for my pearl tea or even offer me pearl tea. She's inviting her real estate agent to dinner, and when is the last time she invite me to dinner (okay, she did offer me dinner for my birthday but I won't even be here then). I'm so sick and tire of her complete disregard for how I felt and all that I had done for her. Forget it, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. It's only 9 more day to go and I'm out of hell.
And she's right, I'm bloke head, I don't know anything. Why should I, I been so immerse in my own fantasy. So it's about time to clear my head, and move on with my life...

Oh take her out to lunch (sushi again). Another bad investment...
posted by HELL at 21:33

 
One of my best friend in Taiwan is getting marry, adding to my misery of knowing so many couples that are getting marry this year. She'll be wed on October 4th, with the reception on October 10th. And then she's off to Switzerland for 2 weeks and then Germany. I'm very happy for her, and for all those people I know that got marry this year. However, it's just serve to remind me that I'm still ALONG... sigh... So sad, so depress... And my birthday is fast approaching and nobody remember it except for my dear sister. sigh...

I... Forget it, there's no reason to complain more about how she treats me, 'cause I'll be just sounding like an old broken record, repeating myself. So if she choose to care for others, serve others, getting hurt by others, it's her choice. Nothing I can do about it. So LET IT BE...

Watched a movie called "Equilibrium" tonight with some friends. The action sequence was well done, but the story line is so so. I'm somewhat disappointed 'cause my friends being telling me how great the movie was. Hmmm, I question their tates in movie :) So tire right now, going to sleep. Tomorrow will be another long day, espcially going to face her.
posted by HELL at 00:43

 
I had a lot of fun at the camping trip to clear lake this past weekend. First night was kinda a wash 'cause one of the guy got motion-sickness and was puking all night. We had to drive him for ~30min to the nearest ER. Then while he was getting the IV, we went to KFC for some much-needed chicken leg. We were joking that we drove 100+miles to have KFC. After getting the guy back to camp site, we had our usual "38" section at the girls' tent. That was interesting as always. And the next day was great when I got my first taste of skid boat and tubing. Lot of fun :) Can't wait to do it again soon :) On the way back, had some nice conversation with some friends, including two girls. Too bad I'm not really interested in any of them.

Still helping her to plan her move and related stuff. Working hard at that since I promised myself to do the best I can 'til the day of reckoning (my birthday, which is only 11 days away). She did had lunch with me, since the other guy didn't ask her to go to lunch. So looks like I'm still her backup. And she really had no problem anymore for me to pay for her lunch, her pearl tea, even her pearl tea to her other co-worker. I'm like an ATM machine to her (should've bought that T-shirt from the store). Still, she will never ever appreciate all that I had done for her. sigh... So just waiting for the day to come.

Sigh... At least one person remember my birthday. My sister asked me yesterday what are my plan for my birthday. She evn pointed out that this year, it falls on a saturday. I didn't really want to tell her what I'm really plan on doing. So I just told her that I won't be here that weekend. Since I didn't even tell her, then there won't be much chance I will tell anybody else about my plan. Then again, other than my sister, who actually REMEMBER my birthday. SIGH.... So be it... I'll be a loner for that day...
posted by HELL at 22:43

 
So I finally had my dinner with her, first one in over a month. Of couse I paid for it, and I had to keep apologize about the fact that I didn't get out from work early enough for the dinner. She wanted to eat at 6 something and I couldn't leave work 'til past 7:30pm. In any case, most of the conversation revolved around my trip to Baltimore for my workout partner's wedding, people at work, and her new house. After dinner, she wanted to hit a book store 'cause she was too full to just stay home and do nothing and become fat :) So we went to Border to check out home decoration and improvement books. Of course, she had to make a phone call first, I didn't ask who it's for nor did I try to listen in. It doesn't matter to me anyway. Won't change my mind about what I'm doing in the future anyway. So we chatted a little more about the house stuff and I convinced her to let me look at the house after she got the key. Then we could talk about what needed to be done on the house and stuff. Well, at least she's trusting me on these stuff. I did mention that why I didn't get the sort of treatment her friends got. When they came in town, she paid for a lot of the dinner and other expense. But with me, she rarely had to pay for anything, dinner, pearl tea, and gifts. I'm sucker, according to a lot of people :) Well, my birthday is fastly approaching, I'm sure things will change after that, at least I hope so.

Just a quick side note, finally got my promotion now :) A nice 10% raise, and I'll have a chance to ask her out to celebrate it :) Well, this is the best birthday gift I had got in recent years. sigh... In fact, this probably the only birthday gift I got in the last few years. I really don't owe anybody anything, other than parents of course.

Another side note: she finally thank me for the moon cake yesterday and also setting up her computer to be able to send/recieve email from the comfort of her own home. All which was done a while back and finally getting a little recognition from her. Should I be happy about that??? sigh... Of course, there still a lot more that never got anything close to a thank you, the most notable being the few day where I spend time and energy taking care of her while she's sick. sigh... So I'm still hoping for some reward one day, which will probably never come.
posted by HELL at 00:41

 
Just as I thought, even though I made my reservation with her on Thursday (right before I left for Baltimore), she still cancelled on me. Her excuse was that I didn't remind her with numerous pages, after I specifically asked her if she would forget it by today, and she promised she won't. Oh well, I didn't page her regarding the dinner because of this exact reason. I wanted to see she remember it on her conscience, not just because I kept reminding her. And I guess she failed miserably at that, just as I expected. I'm ranking so low on her list of priority, I'm only there on her mind when she needed help with something, but otherwise, I'm far far far from being on her mind. sigh... Only 19 more days to go until I'm done with this. So close, yet still so much more pain to go thru.

Another thing that also piss me off. She had a new background image on her computer, with her playing in the water near a beach at Santa Cruz. Somebody (mostly likely a guy) took a nice picture of her. I wished I was the one that took the pics and yet I'm not. Worst than that, I had never even seen the pics, she won't allow that. Why would I get to share her joy. I'm the dummy she could use as a punch bag when she was sad, someone to listen to her endless complain, the guy with all the resources to help her when she needed, and the one to brush aside as she can enjoy her glory with others. So what the hell am I to her is still the burning question that I think the answer is pretty obvious. Just that my emotional side seen to be the only one that has been oblivious to it. sigh... What a pathatic fool...
posted by HELL at 23:02

 
Forgot to mention that I drove a chevy and was able to follow my friend on his nice new sport motorcycle. Even he was impressed by my skill. Hahahaha. Of course I did almost lost control on my way back to the hotel. I was taking a turn a bit too fast, shame on me :( Oh yeah, I got my bill for the speeding tix a month back. sigh, more money to spend on nothing :((
posted by HELL at 22:55

 
After the wedding reception, she called me to ask for the english name of "rock cod". She's at halfmoon bay buying fish with one of the other guys. I was so fraustrated, especially after seeing my workout partner just got happily married. This is the exact reason why I detest wedding, it always served to remind me that I'm alone. sigh... I hate this feeling. I'm usually okay with being a loner, the oddman out. But I don't want to do that in a wedding, where everybody else there are celebrating the coming together of two people who truly love each other. I hate the feeling of being alone at this kind of event. sigh.....

Met up with one of my old highschool friend, he's pretty much the same, a bit more hands-on with home improvement than I remembered. He told me that I had changed a lot. Which I fully admitted. Ever since I met her, I had been changing myself to a more mature gentleman, althought it seen useless on her, it had been a shock for those who knew me before :) Hopefully, I can maintain this friendship, 'cause he maybe able to introduce me to somebody new :) hahaha

posted by HELL at 21:14

 
So shall continue to be a loner that I am. I'm now out in Baltimore for a wedding in which I'm the only asian dude attending. Not that I felt weird or anything, just sadden that I'm here alone, yet again. I did had some good conversation with her, but the last time I called, she seen annoy by my phone call, told me she's on another line. So I, being the perfect gentleman that I am, apologized to her and then say goodbye good weekend and hang up. I'm just feeling more lonely before wedding, a big reason why I hate going to wedding. Although, I did enjoy spending time walking along the shore of inner harbor (Baltimore). I enjoy the cool breeze from the cheaspeake bay and the nice relaxing friday afternoon that I'll never experience back in bayarea. I can see myself do that often, hopefully, in the future. I'll definitly enjoy a nice day near the beach on Sept. 26, the day before my 27th birthday. I didn't take the day off for nothing :)

I really do love her, 'cause I think about her regardless what I'm doing. Wonder how long it'll take after my birthday 'till I finally get out of this mode. Still holding some grudge toward her usual dismissal of me (for the phone call, for the dinner, for the lunch, for all that work I done for her but never got much of a thankyou), I had thought about not talking to her for an extended period of time after my birthday. But I decided against it. I'm adopting to the philosphy that I'll do whatever I feel that I must do, for my own sake, regardless how she'll treat me. I'm my own entity, I'll decide what I do, not her, not anybody else. If fate so choose to continue to torture me, then so be it. Why not be a tragic hero, they're the ones that left countless legends, not the almighty lucky knight who marry his princess. So be it, I'll always be a loner, as long as I can't find that one person to spend the rest of my life with. In my life, I had found myself, I had found the one I love the most, so there is only the one that love me the most and the one that neither love me the most or love by me the most, but is the fateful one that'll spend the rest of her life with me. So my search goes on, all the while carrying the huge burden that is my love for her. One day, long from now, I hope I can laugh about it and enjoy a good drink with the one I love and will spend my life with. Hope that day will come and soon.

I'll try to update the blog more often, just that I hadn't been having much time or energy to update it as often as I want. Especially since the blog is still pretty much surrounding my life with her, I tried not to think about too much. It'll bring more pain to my life than I wanted.
posted by HELL at 21:46