Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
It's always fun to spend time with her 'cause she can be cute, and violent too :) However, seems like I'm still a 2nd class citizen on her priority list 'cause I'm likely to be bump for saturday dinner. She told me that she wanted to go to the Santa Cruz haunted house and since it's last day is on saturday, she want to go then. So I'm guessing I'll be bump by then and so the usual happens. Only time will heal...
posted by HELL at 22:14

 
Okay, since she complain about the last birthday card, here is what I wrote for the new birthday card:

C X_._._ J_._

Here is my apology for not writing anything meaningful on you last birthday card (in the form of another birthday card:)). Let me start by apologize for my laziness, I should have write down some inspirational words, so here are some of them.

I wish you a great year ahead and that you get to enjoy it to its fullest. Hopefully, our company stock will skyrocket so all your stock options will worth lot of money (that’s good for me too:)). Hopefully, you won’t have to work late all the time so you can enjoy your time away from work (such as watching 24 and shop at Banana Republic). Hopefully, you’ll be done with all the works on your new house so you can live like a princess in your grand palace:). Hopefully, all the clothes you want to buy (or just love) will go on sale so you can wear new outfits everyday to show off your beauty:). Hopefully, you’ll enjoy the life here in California. You deserve it all!!!

Best wishes for your birthday (albeit a few days late)!

-Adam

P.S. Please forgive me for my laziness:)

Thinking of putting in an $100 gift certificate from Banana Republic (her favor store). Yes, I know I already gave her $100 certificate already. But this is an apology.

Just watch the next eps of the chinese drama that I talked about in the last entry. One of the male character ask the female character if she would do it again (after she being practically left at the altar twice by the same man). She said yes, 'cause that's only way for her to have no regret in life, that at least she tried and failed. That's exactly what I'm doing. Some times from now, I can look back and said at least I gave my best shot and just wasn't meant to be. If the person thinks that they gain so much when they lied to us, then let them. We won't be the one that will owes them anything, we gave them all we have and won't have regret about what if...

So let the wheel of time turn and life will move on...
posted by HELL at 23:02

 
As I was watching a Chinese drama serie on TV, I realized that one of the character and I was very similar in a way. We're optomistic about human nature. We believe in investment in relationship can lead to fruitful end. We trust that one day people will understand and appreciate what we done for them, without us telling them. We feel that the truth in the eye of beholder. We only listen to our own heart, and want our friends to give us their best wishes. We wrongfully think that just little more can will be enough to push the relationship over the hill and it's happily ever after. Most importantly, we believe in ourself to have the drive to make life works by quietly putting in enormous amount of effort. We're stupid, naive, but we're also strong at heart and always see the good side of human nature. And hopefully faith will allow us to enjoy life, instead of suffer in life.

Since she complain about the fact I didn't write anything in her birthday card other than signing my name, I'm working on writing something long in the card. BTW, she never gave me a birthday card or Christmas card (and I did give her one). Such double standard.
posted by HELL at 22:29

 
Get rejected many times over the last few days. She kept saying that she's busy with work and then cleaning the house, so why did she have time to go with other friends. Time and again, I been informed of my lowly status by her :( So why do I do so many things for her. She didn't like the portrait so I have to get her Banana Republic's gift certificate, per her instructions. sigh... Why??? Why am I so stupid??? And the birthday gift she got me - a Studio Gibili's 2004 Calendar. ha, like that's the thing I need. I'm so sad that right now I don't even know what to said. But definitely no drinking...

Well, at least one good thing is that I'm sign up with the Yahoo personal. And I'm going to look for new opportunities there, and I'm going to just forget her. I don't need any more abuse from her. Time to move on (sounds familiar). And I'm going to stop helping her. What's the point if she never going to appreciate it.
posted by HELL at 12:35

 
It was nice, getting a nice 6% pay raise and then discuss about future of my career with my director. He was very nice in giving me some advice about MBA (even loaning me a book to read). He pointed out the prestige of the MBA school and its alumni network is all that it matters to the MBA degree. He discourage me from taking part time MBA in Santa Clara University. Instead, he really think I should consider schools in the caliber of Harvard and Stanford (but they're very expansive), even Berkeley is not good enough :) Well, I did take his advice seriously and really considering to take a hard look at my future and what I want do. I had been working on the same thing for the last year and it's time to re-examine my vision of the future now.

After talking to my director, we (me and my co-worker) went to Berkeley's MBA info session to get a better idea about the MBA program. They gave a great presentation about the program and the current student Q&A session was great. I learnt much about the program and how it works. But the same question pop up, "what do I want to in the future?" Do I want to stay as an Engineer but with little potential to move much past beyond where I am right now. Or do I want to move over to more of the business side, which the MBA will help greatly. I think this is the question to answer over the next year or so.

My co-worker treated me to the dinner as a gift for my birthday. Thanks!!! We talked about my bizarre relationship with her and how it had provide much gossip for him and the group :) I'm glad I can at least provide some entertainment to them :) So right now, my decision is that I'm not going to pursue her anymore and move on with my life. Well, hopefully this time I'll stick to this. Wish me luck!!!
posted by HELL at 23:16

 
Well, it's another interesting day for me. Went with her to pick up her dad's X-ray then got some pearl tea. She was very tired so I told her to sleep in the car. It was very nice and relaxing to just look at her face while she sleeps. I actually enjoy the moments, I know, I'm a freak :) And then she decided that she want to head to the Scandinavian designs place I been bugging her about, saw a few nice furnitures that she liked. However, most of them were too expansive for her, I thought about offering to buy them for her but then my logical side kick in and I kept my mouth shut.

So she asked again if I had time to eat dinner with her and her parents and the other guys, again, I said "yes" without even thinking it thru. But I didn't regret this as much as last night. Especially since my friends told me that I more than deserved to get some free dinner. Of course, she refused my offer and had another guy gave her ride back home before dinner. So I was at the restaurant for 10 minutes sitting at the table by myself before they came in.
The dinner went okay, the food is alright, for the price, it's not that bad. I kept my conversation mostly in stock and electronic gadgets. But honestly, I didn't really care one way or another how her parent would feel about me, just acted the same as if I was in front of other older people. I thought I did okay, but who really cares. I was kinda mad that she didn't told her parents about how she got the direction to ER. Her parents thought it was one of us but didn't know who he was. Not unexpected though, since I knew she won't let her parents know about how much I had been helping her. So be it.

I would like to redefine our relationship in the near future so I can move on with my life (I know I had been saying this for quite a few months now). But this time I'll really sit down and think about it. I'll actually come up with a draft over the next few days. Hopefully, this really would be the last time I said on this page that I'll get over her.
posted by HELL at 23:22

 
She called me to ask for direction to a nearby ER. Hmmm, must be her father's injury (he fell off a chair today). I gave her the direction and called her 30 minutes later to make sure she got there okay. Sounded like a perfect gentleman, but I'm guessing tomorrow's dinner is off. But that's okay, I got what I wanted already :) Hope her father gets better.
posted by HELL at 23:51

 
Wow, didn't expect this at all. Let me start from the beginning. So I was as usual pissed off about how I had been mistreated by her, continuously ignoring my advice and brush aside all that I had been doing for her. Then she told me that she didn't need a ride anymore and all that usual stuff when the weekend is coming around. So I was very mad and fraustrated as usual. Then she told me there will be a dinner tomorrow night for all those that helped her catching the mouse, I sadly laughed at the half-hearted invitation. After talking my co-worker, I was deciding against going to the dinner. But I still went to her house and help her moved the range back to the garage. Then, she asked me to go in and meet her parents, after a bit of talking to them, they invited me to dinner. And it was really really bad of me, I said yes before I even thought thru the whole thing. As I were walking out to my car, I was hitting my head. How stupid of me, I should have think about it before answering them. Stupid, stupid, and really really stupid of me!!!

So the dinner went pretty much as expected, she was very mean to me, looking at me with THE LOOK. But the funny thing was, I didn't really care too much anymore. I acted like myself in front of her and her parents, didn't really care what they think anymore. Yeah, I'm going to release myself from all my promises to her. I'll do what I wanted to do instead of obeying all her wishes. Okay, maybe not that much, but I'll learn to go on with my life without her presence. For once, I'll start really looking for other possibilities. HAHAHA, sob sob sob... We'll see if this will finally come true.

Still need to decide on what to do with tomorrow night's dinner. Let see how she is tomorrow morning before making the decision.
posted by HELL at 22:18

 
I'm tire, tire of being treated like dirt by her, tired of being yell at for just doing the right thing for her, tired of being brush aside like dust after spend a lot of time and effort helping her, and tired of being around her in general. She yell at me, scream at me, in general angry at me for things that weren't in no way related to me, just because I ask one simple question "when are you getting off work"! So what am I suppose to do, can't please her all the time. I'm just tired. Does she understand that I gain absolutely nothing from doing all these stuff for her. IF I WAS LUCKY THAT DAY, I MAY GET A THANKYOU!!! Most of the time, I don't even get anything, not a quick dinner or even a sip of water after helping her doing all the dirty work for hours. sigh... Calling me afterward and give me a half-hearted thankyou just won't do it!!!
posted by HELL at 22:10

 
I hope that she understand all these works I'm doing for her are straightly out of the goodness of my heart. I gain nothing from it. In fact, most often, I don't even get a lunch or dinner for all the hard works I put in. So treat me nicer or she may not get me to do any more things for her again :(

On another sad note, she's thinking about taking her parent to the pumkin festival in half moon bay, sounds like one of her guy friends had suggested the move. She's probably enjoying chit-chatting with her friends while I'm working my butt off to help her moving things, clean things, putting things together, and unpacking in general. I'm beat, dead tire, three straight weeks of helping her 3 or 4 days a week (including a full day on weekends) really takes its toll. sigh... Sadly, I probably won't get anything more than a simple thankyou, AT BEST.

On an even sadder note, none of my family members will be here for Christmas. Parents will be enjoying their vacation in China with the air tix I paid for. Sister and family will be down in Texas with the in-laws. And I'm here to spend my Christmas by myself, just like my birthday. This true can be SADDEST year for me in terms of personal life :(
posted by HELL at 00:09

 
Sigh, my friend from work is thinking about proposing, just another friend who got a house and is getting marry soon. Damn, what's wrong with my life. The only thing that make me feel good is that I didn't depend on anyone and almost everyone owe me favors (except for those favors I needed to help her out :( ). But then again, what do I get for these favors that others owe me, absolutely nothing. Still didn't even have a birthday dinner from anybody, friends or families. sigh... I guess sister is right, I got to stop doing stuff for others and take care of myself first. But wish she would give me her new phone # considering that I'm one of the few that calls her house frequently. Oh well, I'm guessing that's just a slight oversight on her side. Should just ignore all the injustice I received this year and move on. A bright future must be just around the corner and it'll bring me new life, and hopefully love!!!
posted by HELL at 23:33

 
Well, I'm finally done. My assignment came down today, spend the whole day with her killing mice, buying and installing a range, buying bookshelf, cleaning up after the mice, cleaning up stuff in kitchen, putting bookshelves together, and moving bookshelf in place. sigh, I'm beat, very tire after a hard day's worth of work. Like I said before, if she had heavy duty and dirty stuff to taken care off, she'll remember me. But obviously, the easy stuff such as shopping for furniture and stove, unpacking her precious dolls, and buying fish for dinner, those are just too clean and easy for me :( sigh...

I guess there was one good thing, she did remember to call me and say thank you after she realized that she forgot to thank me before I left. Maybe she finally felt a bit guilty for all my helps of her. But just remember a bad thing, she kinda avoid me putting my hand on her shoulder while we were walking toward the pearl tea place during lunch time. I guess she just doesn't want to give me the wrong impression! Wow, so nice of her, after using me up, she's letting me know that nothing will ever happen between us. Great!!!

I told her I thought about going to Chicago for a small portion of the Christmas break, she did offer to show me around town and even offer for me to stay at her parents' place. I'm not sure about the staying at her place part, but I would love for her to show me around. I even got one of my best friend to pay for the tix if I want to go. But now the question is that do I really want to go, and what are the chance of her going back on her word and give me the "I must spend time with my family" excuse (sadly, the chance is very high, by my account). Damn me. Oh she's going back there for her Thanksgiving break as well, didn't even tell me about it 'til today, even though I was the one that find the tix for her. I'm yet again get brush aside as she spend time with her friends and enjoying every bit of my fruit of hard labor. sigh... (I sigh too much these days : ( )

My friend is right, I'm a "dumb fuck". How else can I explain the fact that sI'm continuously torturing myself after knowing that she has a boyfriend. She never see me past beyond second class friend. And here I am helping her with all these stuffs and then get brush aside like a old useless piece of dumb wood. And I have to act as if nothing is wrong when all her guy friends / boyfriend kept on calling her while I'm working hard on helping her with all that I'm capable of. I'm sure I'll just get the cold shoulder when we're back to work and back to normal realm of life. I am such a pathetic fool. Somebody need to give me a good right hook to wake me up from my pathetic fantasy. sigh...

Alright, time for sleep and another long day of being ignored ahead of me. sigh...


posted by HELL at 00:40

 
Why is it that when she's in a bad mood, I'm so nice to her and she just takes out on me. But when I'm in a bad mood, she just mocks me and expect me to take it. Such an unfair and lopsided friendship, I really should end it soon. It's causing nothing but stress in my life. She had problem with mouse at her place and I told her the type of mouse trap to get, but she didn't really pay attention and decided to get the other types of mouse trap. Her excuse was that she didn't find the type I told her. Well, is it so hard to just give me a call and ask where she can get them. I would gladly told her over the phone in 2 seconds and she won't have to bother with me. IS IT REALLY THAT HARD?!?!? I mean this is just another case of her not listen to me yet again. sigh... All my good advices to her just fall to deaf ear, she'll never pay attention or know how much effort I put into to provide those answers. IT'S SO SAD TO SEE ALL MY HARD WORK WASTED. What is wrong, I must be providing too many good options/answers to her. I really think it's time to just abandon her, it's not like she had no other help at all!!!

She asked me to give her rides to work when her parents are visiting in a couple of weeks, but I doubt that'll happen since most likely she'll change her mind like always (after consulting with her other guy friends). Remember such simple task is not mean for me, it's not dirty enough or heavy duty enough or low-life enough. I'll get those that her other friends couldn't or won't help her with.

Went to her house with the mouse trap I bought her, just before I left, I called her and found out that the water was turned off for her new place. Apparantly the city made a mistake and turn off the meter. She was talking (more like yelling) with her parents regarding this issue when I got to her house (one of the other guy was there and open the door for me :( ). After she finished talking, she got so mad that she started crying (a sign of weakness that I don't really appreciate, such a man's attitude). The other guy went over to comfort her, me, I just continue to work, not much choice there, didn't want to crowd the field. In any case, after sealing off multiple possible routes for the mice and putting mouse traps near the rest, I left. She did ask me if I want to go to dinner but I notice the underneath tone that basically tells me that "don't come and don't bother us". And mom called at an opportune time so I just told them I'm going home to eat. And she couldn't help herself but taking a parting shot at me, I'm guess she's more relax and less stressful after the crying. sigh... I guess that's the type of service I could provide her, everything else, she can get them from her other guy friends. Remember, I'm only good for the low and dirty work. The upscale stuff is for her REAL friends. I'm just a low caste member of her circle of friends for her use and abuse. sigh... sigh... sigh...
posted by HELL at 19:40

 
Here I go again, a second-class citizen fighting for first class treatment, and FAILED!!! After helping her moving yesterday, I offered to help her unpack and take care some miscellaneous stuff today. She agreed, but then called me this morning and gave me the "oh you should relax today and I can do it myself" bullshit. I knew she's having other guys to help her out and this would happen. But stupid me, still got up early to pick up drill and caulking gun in preparation to help her out. What a fool!!! sigh... This is even after I promised myself that after my birthday that I would not fantasize about her and go out of my way to help her out. I just violated section 2 here. And I'm constantly violating section 1. sigh... I really need something else to ocuppy my mind. Maybe it's time to sign up for the personal ad for yahoo. hmmm, maybe I'll do that today.

On another sad note, I'm pretty sure now that I'll probably give her her birthday gift before I'll receive my, if I ever will get one. I must be a complete failure as a person (or very successful in falsely creating the image that I don't want my birthday to be celebrated), nobody even invite me out for dinner for my birthday (except for my family, which shouldn't count). No birthday dinner, no birthday gift, lonely day by myself, this is how my 27th birthday went. I'm so sad... : ( sigh......
posted by HELL at 18:11

 
Couldn't resist the temptation again and got burn again :) I offered to help her clean her place while she's at work. After all the cleaning, I thought I may get treated to dinner, as she had hinted earlier in the night, but instead, she claimed she's tire and a lot of kitchen packing to do at home. So I ate fish out of a can for the night. That'll teach me, again!!!
posted by HELL at 00:11