Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
I was right, she didn't call. Now the bet is that she's not going to call me by Sunday night, or I owe 300 push-ups. Think I'll win this one? :)
posted by HELL at 20:50

 
I'm going to win the 2nd bet, she'll not be able to take me out for my birthday dinner before the end of November. Doubt that she even remembers. Oh well, she'll be off and away from me for six days. Even though she mentioned that she'll call me before her Thanksgiving dinner, I kinda doubt it. I'm sure she'll forget. Remember, I'm very low on her list of priorities : (

Played Karaoke Revolution on PS2 with friends. Just confirm that my long time suspicion that I can't sing. I have absolutely zero musical talent. Oh well, 'tis life.
posted by HELL at 18:52

 
Sigh... 1000 push-ups, finally over, damn tire and sore right now. Hopefully I won't lose the other bet, it was really TOUGH. The first 200 was easy, the next 200 was tough, the third 200 was killer. Had to take a break before finishing the last 400.

Well, we didn't move the range today. She didn't have the water bill necessary for using the landfill and didn't want to bother my parent. But as a reward, she invited me to her house to eat rice soup. That was very nice of her. We had some conversation about football and her dislike of the game, as usual. After I did some chores for her (clean and then spread some ant killer solution), we went to shop for cell phone. But turn out the cell phone portability rule wasn't in effect 'til next monday and worse yet, if you want to carry your cell # to another service, you'll have to provide your own phone (which was quite expansive). So we went to Fantasia, where we get the usual (taro ball with green milk tea) and introduced her to roasted chestnuts. She loved it and I'm happy for her. She need some new things introduced to her life. I'll try my best to be the friend that show her new things.

Oh yeah, she did promised me that she'll help me shop for my jacket and more. And the next time she's going to shop, she's going to bring me along :) Even better, she called her friend to confirm their dinner tonight just to see if she had time to shop with me. I'm grateful that she's considering to spend some more time with me. Great. However, this doesn't change my view of this relationship. It's still very much one-sided and I won't let that go on forever. I won't tolerate any more illusions about this friendship.
posted by HELL at 01:44

 
She started complaining about how her credit card had a lot of charges for buying gifts then she realized who she's complaining to. I had done nothing but treating her with utmost respect and I always pay for meals and always bring her gifts. So she told me that she couldn't complain to me about spending too much money on buying gifts. Well, the only thing I can said it that I don't have any of those gifts, they go to her friends and her families. This is a strictly one-sided relationship. Like I mentioned before, any residual illusion I had of the relationship was killed by her action on last thursday and subsequent days.

She's in a depress mood right now and as a friend, I had been trying my best to rescue her from the misery. Hopefully, she will give me a chance to do that. We shall see, we shall see.

Oh yeah, made another bet with myself. If I get my b-day dinner before end of the month, as promised by her, I'll owe 1000 push-ups. I think my chance is pretty good this time, can't imagine she'll even remember that she still owe me that dinner.
posted by HELL at 23:54

 
Oh yeah, now I owe myself 1000 push-ups, that's going to hurt :)
posted by HELL at 01:28

 
Watch the niner football at Candlestick, great game. Too bad I was in the bathroom when they score the game-turning touchdown and score the game-ending touch down 14 seconds later while I'm in line for another beer :)

So I paged her as usual, to ask her to lunch. Then I got the usual "no" answer. I offered to buy pearl tea but she didn't want it 'cause she didn't want any "favor" from me. I wasn't happy about that, it's one misspoken sentence by me and she remembered for a very long time. And worse yet, it wasn't even my fault to begin with. But as unhappy as I was, I did the gentlemen thing and apologize for my bad behavior and ask if I can "do" anything to make it up. She told me she's not mad at me and there nothing I can "do" to make it up, but she does have a long memory. I was obviously upset with that, but still have enough self-control to apologize again and said I'll try my best to ask for forgiveness. So I was little surprise in the afternoon to get a page from her to ask to go to pearl tea. Her reason was to show me that she's bigger than me and she'll forgive me (btw, it's still her fault). I of course apologize and then went on to spend the next 4+ hours to keep her company while she's working just to make up one misspoke sentence :( And finally, she agree to go to dinner with me and complain about work as usual. It looks like everything is back to normal again. She still be mean to me, I treat her like a little princess. The only major difference is that any illusion that I previously have about our relationship had been shattered to thousand pieces. I'll continue my march away from her, in hope that one day I can use the legitimate excuse of "I have to go out with my girl friend". Hopefully, that day will be soon.

BTW, all the time she kept saying she didn't need "favor" from me, she continue to ask "favor" from me. I really think she have a reality check and see how much dependence she had on me. sigh... I wish there is a way for me to show her reality without breaking up the friendship I spend a lot of time and effort building.

posted by HELL at 00:27

 
Piece by piece, I'm starting to pick up my broken heart. Piece by piece, I'm starting to rebuild my shattered self. Soon, I'll be my complete self once again. Confident, eccentric, but also kind and caring. The reincarnation of myself will be stronger than the former, strong enough to stand up to her.

So, I took another step in the right direction. Edit my personal profile on Yahoo and wrote the draft for two emails to send out to the potential ads. Congradulation on taking the first step toward freedom. (BTW, OT, the REM cd is damn good.) I had already plan out few actions plan countering scenarios I will be facing on Monday morning. Let see how it goes.
posted by HELL at 00:43

 
Today started off on a sad note already. As I was sleeping and enjoying my dream (whatever it may be), the familiar tone of Beatles' "Yesterday" started playing. As usual, I woke up quickly to that tone and grab the phone to answer her call. She needed the phone # from the tutor needed ad that I send her a few days back. She's on her way to meet the person but forgot to bring the phone #. Well, as innocent as this sound, there is one minor detail that bring more stress to my pathetic life once again. I had told her earlier in the week that she shouldn't go alone to meet the person and I offered my service to her. I know she's not driving and since she actually listen to my advice once in awhile (surprise surprise), I deducted that she must have someone else (one of the other guy) accompany her. Here I am, looking thru craiglist in the middle of night to look for tutoring opportunities for her, sacrificing my sleep, and she never even often a simple thankyou to me. I'm not sure why I do what I do, I had given her my time, effort, patience, self-control, simple satisfaction of life, and had gotten nothing in return. The only thing that I'm barely holding onto is my sanity right now, trying my best not to lose that too. Nothing else matter to me right now except ending my misery.

Well, it'll be the third time I made this claim, I'm going to end this by Christmas. Hopefully third time is a charm for me. Going to continue writing the "To Christine" letter, in preparation for giving it to her along with the Christmas card. One line I should remember to add is "Merry Christmas to you, your parents, sister, and _._!!!" A hidden way of letting her know that I knew about the bf and she should have a long and happy life with him. For the last thing I can do is a gentleman way of separating myself from this mess of last two years. Hopefully, after Christmas break, I'll be once again be a whole, not just a shell of my former self.


Side note: I had made the bet that she will not contact me willfully until we discuss the possibility of dumping her range next saturday. Otherwise, I'll have to do 1000 push-ups. I'm guessing that there is a 90% chance I won't have to worry about the push-ups :(
posted by HELL at 11:56

 
I had been really busy lately, and working nightshift made it extremely difficult to continue this blog on a regular basis. But I’ll try my best.

Last few days had been peacefully days for me. Until yesterday! She promised to have pizza with me but changed her mind and wants to have dinner with another guy. That was fine with me. What really pisses me off was the fact that she didn’t even bother to ask me before she made the decision. Like she never even cared about how I felt. I was really pissed off and it showed. And the fact that she goes around and told everybody that I was piss off doesn’t affect me at all. For why should I care what everybody else thinks of me? The only opinion I cared about was hers and it doesn’t looked good. Well, I know she still needs my help so she can’t just completely cut me off. And I’m not about to do that ‘cause I’m a gentleman and I won’t leave her in distress right now. But soon, I’ll lose all my patience with her and that’ll be that. I’m going to try my best to just let go and start to live my own life once again. And I’ll let people know about that soon.

And today, I apologized for my bad behavior last night. But she didn't seem to willing to forgive me. Even though she said she's not mad at me, but I can sense her madness. I don't know what to do and ease that. And I'm just so sad over the fact that this one person had so much influence over my emotion. I used to be very proud of the fact that no one can bring me down and I stand on my own. Now, she has more control over the swing of my mood than anyone else in my life. Worse yet, she does nothing but to drive me to hell. DAMN, I got to retake control of myself. I'm so sad right now, it almost drive me to drink and smoke by myself (which I swear to never to do 'cause that's the start of alcoholic and smoker). Right now, the only way for me to calm down is reading about life, love, and forgiveness on Carmen's website. She hadn't updated in awhile, hope she's okay. I'll probably send her an email tomorrow just to see if she's fine.

I'm downloading the top 25 power ballad (ranked by VH1). These songs will fit my mood perfectly, especially as I'm taking rides toward the coast, getting away from her and the stress she caused for me. Another thing to do today would be to update my yahoo personal ad. I had sent out three emails and got no response yet. But I'm strong and undeterred, I'll continue 'til I get some responses. Also need to look for more potential ads. Wish me luck in taking my first step out of the hell created her. It's always the darkest before dawn. Here is little poem from Carmen's page that I thought I should put on the Christmas card I'm getting for her:

If one day you feel like crying...Call me.
I don't promise that I will make you laugh,
But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to run away.
Don't be afraid to call me.
I don't promise to ask you to stop...
But I can run with you.

If one day you don't want to listen to anyone...Call me.
I promise to be there for you.
And I promise to be very quiet.

But if one day you call...
And there is no answer...
Come fast to see me.
Perhaps I need you.


I'll probably change couple words here and there, but the theme will be the same. Hopefully, this will be the conclusion to all that's left between me and her. And I'm even more hopeful that there will be someone else for me in the future, out there, waiting for discovery by me.
posted by HELL at 00:54

 
Now, that was interesting. I was day dreaming about how she would call me late at night in need of help. As I walked into my room after taking a shower, my cell phone started playing the familiar music of Beatle's "yesterday." So as usual, I rushed to phone to answer the call and ready to serve any of her order. And as usual, I got the angry voice of hers. She was complaining about Comcast bill and question if I had deliever the bill as she instructed. "Of course, I dropped off last week" I told her. Then, I went on to ask her that did she just get off. In her usual angry mode, she yelled at me and complain about how it's already so late and what do I expect and .... Well, there's usual lose-lose situation for me. Hey, at least it's interesting that just as I was day dreaming about it, she called.
posted by HELL at 23:38

 
Went to lunch with her today, the fastest good sushi lunch I ever had. She's suppose to be having lunch in shift with her work group, so she's in a hurry to get back to work. I did all that she asked, order food fast, get a tea pot (so we can pour our own tea), and ask for the bill before we finished. She told me I behaved nicely today :) haha, I haven't heard that one in a while.

She did told me that she's going to wear the white jacket this friday (I'm assuming because she's heading up to SF to watch the Matrix Revolution in the Metreon in IMAX format with her friends). I'm going to tell her that I should get the chance to see her in the outfit first since I'm the one that bought her the jacket. I should take a pic of it.

Just send out another email to yahoo personal. Slowly moving forward now. Let see how saturday goes, my bet is that I'll either get bump or just have the time slot to move the range but nothing more. sigh...
posted by HELL at 20:32

 
Took my first step forward, send a letter out to one of the girl on Yahoo personal. I know I still harbor feeling for her but it's really time for me to let go. Today is just another day that she treated me like 2nd class citizen while I worship her like a princess. sigh...

She did get the white hat I suggested to her from Banana Republic on Sunday (I thought it match well with the white jacket). So let's see if I ever get to see her wear the set:) BTW, she had been talking about her financial difficulty after I warn her of the burden she's facing with the mortgage and all. So it looks like no b-day dinner for me, at least not any time soon. Hopefully I'm wrong, but doubt that. sigh...
posted by HELL at 23:35

 
Now that I had completed almost all my promises to her, it's time again to evaluate this relationship again.

Let's see, does she care about me at all??? She was talking about how she couldn't accept the two gift certificates and she would use a portion of it to buy something for me instead. Well, when she got to Banana Republic, the shear joy of buying the cute white jacket must've cause anesthesia. She completely forgot about what she had told me earlier. She spend all the money on the jacket. I don't have any problem with that, I'm the one that gave her the card in the first place and continuously encourage her to buy the jacket. Just that it's a prime example how she could careless about me.

Then, she still refuse to devow any info regarding her boyfriend. I tried my best to lure the info out of her, talking about fine dining and was able to get her to talk about the five course dinner she had in Champagne. Yet, she still side-stepped about the question who she was eating with and all. Just another failure on my side to make her admit she had a boyfriend. Such a failure... sigh...

So, I guess this sum up what I had accomplished in the last 2 years. NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL!!!

Another bad thing I did today, in trying to find out the address for the payment of property tax, I found out how much she's paying for property tax of her place. I was honest (and stupid) enough to tell her about it. She accuse of me being too nosey, as usual. Now, I had to write an apology letter to her. Got to stop my big mouth. sigh...
posted by HELL at 21:01

 
Finally, it's all done. She got the nice cute white jacket with the Banana Republic gift certificate I gave her. It only took her more than 2 hours to decide:) Then, I took her to Manresa as promised. The meal was great and enough quantity for her. The wine got her a little buzz. We chat about her house and her work and other stuff. She even mention that she offered to invite me to Chicago for Christmas when I told her how I'm going to spend Christmas alone. The only problem is that the alcohol made her very sleepy. Of course, the damage was severe, ~$310. So all her birthday together cost me well more than $600. Oh well, like I said before, at least I gave her my best shot. I had my fun with her, but it should be time to move on. Let's see what the future holds for me :) Usually, I wouldn't had given up so easily, it's just that I'm yet again shock by her continue relationship with her bf. I heard a couple conversations she had with her over the last week. From those conversations, I gathered he is still in good standing with her, so it's time for me to get out of this mess. I had never intended to get involve with anyone who's already in a relationship. But at least I had no regret, tried and failed is much better than regretting about it years later. For it's my goal to enjoy my life to its fullest and leave with as little regret as possible. Only wish I had known her years earlier, sigh... Life with all its little twists...
posted by HELL at 23:55

 
Finally got the dinner appointment set for sunday. Hurrah.

Actually went with her and her friends to the Haunted House of Santa Cruz. It was interesting, but I wasn't even a bit scared. And as usual I was the chauffeur. But all these stuff is kinda behind me right now as I read the following excerpt from her sister:


I really appreciate all the well wishes (through email and in person) and my surprises. My sister and her bf bought me this cookie bouquet of happy flowers and cutie bears from Cookies By Design to wish me happy thoughts in the coming days. Thank you. Positive thoughts, right?

Right now I'm just trying my best to deal with the situation. It's the third time that I had confirm that she have a bf (remember the old saying of "third time is the charm"). And from all the evidence I can gather, I'm pretty sure I know who he is. So the question is - shall I confront her with the knowledge or should I wait it out, knowing that a lot of long distance relationship fails. I'm leaning toward confronting her and really thinking hard about the timing and the technique of bring up this topic without hurting her too much (I still love her). Let's sleep on this and hopefully one day I'll come up with a brilliant way of doing it.

The thing that depress me right now is the fact that she still hadn't told me yet about her bf. Knowing how I feel about her, I think the moral thing to do is to let me know she have a bf and let me down easily. I really do believe that she's using my feeling for her to get the most out of me. The only drive behind my behavior right now is the understanding that at least I gave my best shot and learn from the situation (as I talked extensively about it in the entry from last tuesday). Ah the lesson of life, so precious, yet cause so much pain.

posted by HELL at 00:57

 
Just as I suspected, I'm bumped for saturday. and now even sunday is in jeopardy. She had a lot stronger reaction to my apology birthday card and gift then I expected. She told she couldn't accepted 'cause it's too much. And then she told me she didn't want to go to dinner at Manresa 'cause it cost too much. Well, it's her choice, I'm tired, don't care much about it any more. If she still refuse to go and make no concession, then it's over. I'm not going to help her any more. She can either accept me as a whole or reject it as a whole. I don't want to deal with her any more.
posted by HELL at 00:47