Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
D stayed overnight with me, we just cuddled in the sofa. It was quite a relaxing experience, other than the somewhat tough questions she asked :) Well, she's now officially my gf :) We cleared up some more ground rules, such as I'll have to retreat from C's affair (glad to do so), don't kill my liver (guess I'll have to drink less), and no more lap dancing (haven't done that since the last Bachelor party anyway). It was overall a pretty relaxing and enjoyable night. I love spending time with her. She told me that she had decided that she like me for more than a month now :) and that she really thought I was nice person and she haven't really been upset at me :). I too really enjoy her company and love to just chat with her all the times. Hopefully, this will mark the beginning of a beautiful relationship :) BTW, got to remember that our anniversary is 12/30.

posted by HELL at 08:00

 
Well, I guess this's the start of something different. I'm now dating D. Actually, I really do like her and I think it'll be a start of something great in my life.

So after watching "House of Flying Dagger" and then movie on Christmas day, we went to the Fairmont hotel to get something to drink and chat. After about an hour of chit chatting of various topics, we finally came down to the topics on hand - what we had being doing over the last few days, why am I so paranoid over things being said, and etc.. I told her that I thought that it felt like it's onset of dating over the last few days. I was being paranoid 'cause I didn't want her to still think that I had feeling for C. It's also because I had some hesistations due to the nature of my job. Too much traveling doesn't work wonders for a relationship. She told me that it was okay, that she understands and will accept it as long as I keep in contact. She was quite upset over the fact that we had a great time in SF last Saturday and then I disappeared for 3 days w/o dropping a line. For that I apologized and told her that was because I needed to be away and everything. And for the part of Chicago, I told her I was trying to be a nice friend and felt some sort of obligation toward C and her parents. Sigh... I told her that I'm not that stupid and won't again stick my neck out for her while she never even appreciated it. She told me that she's upset about the fact that it felt like at the moment's notice, I'll drop everything and run to her. I assured her that it won't happen again and I'll definitely talk to her the next time if anything remotely similar happens, not that it'll happen again. She likes me for the fact that I'm such a nice guy and gentlemen. Her feeling changed for me when we were in Mendocinno and I was covering her with the umbrella and carrying stuff for her, in general treat her the way a gentlemen should do. She also really enjoys the fact that she could tease me quite a bit without worry of me getting mad. More importantly, I'll put up a weak defense of the teasing so that she can enjoy the teasing even more so :) I too enjoy letting her tease me 'cause I know that she had no bad intention after then to just have fun. And also it give me an opportunity to tease her as well. As she was cuddling me with me and playing around with my forearm, I felt very peaceful and relaxing. Though it did felt a bit heavy to have a person leaning most of her weight on me, but it's a small price to pay for some peaceful time. I told her that I felt my feeling changed when we were driving back from Mendocinno and she fed me beef jerky. Though I know that I had some vague feeling for her before, it was really over the several trips we took in the month of August/September that I really started to have stronger feeling for her. I just needed to confirm that she had feeling for me as well before I talk to her. Of course, there was that little thing from the fortune teller about the fact my true relationship should start next year. But I guess I'm just a month or two ahead of schedule :P

It was just so nice to sit there, have a sip of drinks, chatting with her about anything, holding her in my arm, feeling the warmth of her body, having her little hand play around with my hand/arm, and enjoying each other's company. We did that for great many hours 'til the janitor started vaccuming the carpet of the lounge area around 2:30am. I held her in my arm while we walked back to the car. Also gave her a long hug before saying goodbye. I was happy but the same time very tired from staying out late over the last 3 nights. But at least I finally resolve the issue with her and hopefully we're onto better things. Guess now it's time to notify our friends. So far only sis and one other friend knew about the relationship, but I do intend on letting others know about. I also know of my task on-hand, got to go meet her friends too. I'm sure that'll be something fun to do :P Another thing is that I'll have to plan to spend more time with her, which I'll find it from the time I spend with C. I know D has a problem with C, both that she wants to make sure that I'm absolutely over with C and she doesn't like any one who cheats. Well, guess there'll be no dinner between the two ladies any time soon.

She got me a nice wallet, as she promised. That's one thing I truly love about her, she actually fulfill her promises, unlike someone I knew. Looks like I'll have to change wallet now. I wonder if that's a sign of abandoning the old (my old wallet were Christmas gift from C two years ago) and on with the new. I'm going to get her defense driving course. Just a bit worry with her driving style :P

Oh, one more thing, her birthday is on April 17th, I hope I'll be back from Beijing by then. Really do want to spend time with her on her day. Need to talk to my boss after the break. Another thing, Valentine is on Monday and I'll have to see if I'll even be in town to celebrate with her. Sigh... That's why all the travel with my job just make relationship difficult to maintain.

Well, this blog will change its focus from now on. I'm going to talk about D lot more, and I do mean lot more, than any one else. I really cares for her and want to spend more time with her. Just don't feel pressure or the need to act when I'm in front of her, I can share as much of myself as possible.

posted by HELL at 17:15

 
I know it's been a while that I posted. Lots of stuff had happen over the last few weeks and life had been just too hectic as of late. Here's what I wrote for the beautifu Lady D on her Christmas card.

Dear Lady Diana

Thank you for being a great friend over the last year. You were there to cheer me up when I was down, invite me to your outings when I complained of doing nothing but work, and calm me down when I’m upset about work/personal life. I’m very grateful for all your supports. Hmm, I hope this doesn’t make me sound girly, not to be sexist and all J

I was looking back at some of the first email exchanges we had over the last December, I realized that we only know each other barely over a year. Yet, I felt like you have become one of my best friends and someone that I can share my secret, joy, and sorrow with. Wayne may be jealous of that :P (little face with tongue out, not an artist by any stretch of imagination). This has been a very eventful year for the both of us. I’m not the best one with words, written or spoken, but I really do enjoy your company, especially over the last few months, and hope that we’ll become even better friends in the future J
Hopefully my work travel will be more limited next year so we can go on some more exciting trips to new places. With the trusty GPS system in my car, I promise we won’t get lost J

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
- Mello Kitty
(aka Adam)

posted by HELL at 13:29

 
Sigh... She's spoiled and self-center as ever, then again what's new. She'll never understand how much her action hurts other who're involved. Then again, it doesn't help when I'm too weak to stand up to her and let the truth be told. Sigh... Now it'll get worse. She's going to tell her parent about the husband during my visit there. She's baiscally using me as a shield to protect herself from the anger of her parents. Once again, I'm there to protect her from harm but at the same time remove her from the facing the responsibility of real life. She'll never understand how much I did for her. Oh well, it won't last forever. I'm shifting my interest to D. At least I felt like I'm treated fairly and nicely when I delt with D. Hopefully next year I'll be doing better, it's being three years since I being under her spell. It's time for me to move away. Remember, three is a charm :) Hope she won't be hurt by the truth of reality when I'm not there to protect her anymore.

posted by HELL at 03:54

 
She'll do what she wants. I'm just going to be there for her if she needs my help. Other than that, I'm going to limit what I do for her as much as possible. She asked today that if I will tell people about what she had being telling me, especially she pisses me off. I told her that I won't and there really isn't anything she could do to piss me off more compare to what she had done to me in the past already. So if I haven't betray her yet there's no reason for her to think that'll betray her in the future. Sigh... I don't know what brought up this line of questions from her nor do I care all that much. My guess is that she's being pressure on my upcoming trip to Chicago so maybe she's consider how much she can push without me falling over the edge. Sigh... I guess the one thing she know is that she can totally take advantage of my feeling for her. Oh well, I chose the road so I'll have take the pit fall along with it.

Oh, I did went to have dinner with D last Friday. We went to see the Fantasy light show at some park in Los Gatos first. Of course, there's the usual bathroom incident where she requests immediate access to one :) hehe... Dinner was nice and we had a great conversation as always. I really should think about making a move on her at some point. Take a shoot and see what happens. The only thing is that I'm a bit worry that if she doesn't have the intention, will it damage our great friendship or not. Sigh... 'tis the dilemma.

posted by HELL at 06:53

 
Why am I so up in arm about the cancellation of lunch? It's so typical of her anyway. She never considers my feeling, so what's new? Sigh... It's the theme of the this blog for the last two years, I just need to stop doing it over and over again.

posted by HELL at 01:49

 
She's back from her vacation at Chicago, I think. Not really sure if she really did went back to Chicago or actually went to hang out with the husband. Either way, shouldn't matter too much to me. It's the usual her anyway, cancel on a pre planned lunch again. I guess I shouldn't even feel anything anymore since it's sort of run of the mill stuff for her to cancel on me anyway. Well, just give me 'til end of the year, after the trip to Chicago, if nothing improves. then she'll have one less friend, and she better pray that she won't have one more enemy.

posted by HELL at 23:22

 
Well, I ended up not having breakfast with her on Tuesday morning. But that was minor problem compared to what happen the rest of the week.

So on Wedensday night, while I was busy working, got a frentic phone call from her. She told me that the wife is outside of her house and she's hearing bang coming from the front windows of the house. She was obviously scared and wanted me there ASAP. So I rushed out and started driving toward her place. Then I got another phone call from her and she told me that the wife had been throwing rocks at her house. She was panicking and wanted to call the cops. I told her to just hold on and wait for me to get there, and don't open the door under any circumstance 'til I'm there. I got to the house and saw the wife outside, went up to her and ask why she was there. (I didn't really have any choice but to confront her and try to resolve the issue.) She told me the husband's mom was sick and that she wanted to talk to the husband. I told her the husband wasn't there and that he may still be traveling. She told me that she heard from a coworker that the husband is already back and since he didn't move his car, he must'd went to C's house. So I told her it didn't matter whether the husband was there or not, she had no right to harass C and she need to just calm down. She wanted to make sure the husband wasn't there before she leaves. Well, I was out there in the cold, argueing with her and at the same time trying to calm C down (yeah, poor old me). Finally after more than half hour of going back and forth (in the cold for me, since I was wearing short sleeves), we finally agreed to have me going to her house and checked to show the husband wasn't there . I checked and he wasn't. So I got back down stair and escorted the wife out of C's garage while she's screaming words like "slut" at C. Sigh... The things I do for a friend. Do I really love her, I don't really know, but I know this, I still want to see her happy, and as long as that's the case, I'll stand by her as always. Later that night, I went over to her house again to just make sure the wife didn't return.

For the next two days, C had been quite paranoid with the wife. We tried to ignore her as she shout at us when we walked by her. I escorted C to pretty much anywhere and just in general making sure that she felt safe and sound. That night, she went and had dinner with the husband. Of course since my ranking on the priority list, the only thing I was allowed to do was went over to her house again to check on any possible spy. Well, they did treat me to lunch at the usual Japanese restaurant, which I was quite reluctant to go but she really insisted on me going. I know she wanted me to talk to the husband and think of a way to resolve the situation. But I felt somewhat uncomfortable about that and just didn't think it's my place to make suggestions to the husband. Especially since I wan't supposed to know quite a few things with their relationship.

On Friday night, she and the husband and some other coworkers were going to have dinner together. Well, as we walked to my car, she followed us and were cursing at us with the usual stuff, all the way to the fourth floor of the garage. I was impressed by the fact that she never even ran out of breath :P And after we went to get some pearl tea, as usual, I escorted C back to her car. And then follw her all the way to Castro street to make sure she got to the lunch place without being followed. I went on to my friend's bday party at Miyake and had a blast. I had four rounds of sake bomb and proved to everyone that I can still drink :) After the nice party and some chatting with friends, I did the usual, went to check on her house. Not so surprisingly, I found the wife sitting in her car, waiting for C to come home. I think that she saw me driving by. I warned C and told her to becareful. Since C was going to watch a movie with the husband, I decided to check on the house again after she's done with that. Around 1am in the morning, I went over to her house, walking around the house and up and down the street in the rain with an umbrella, checking to make sure the wife is not around. So I waited 'til she came home and got her mail before I left. Then I got cut off 'cause the husband called and she didn't called back 'til like 2:15am. Apparantly the wife was threaten to burn down her house and was at home burning the husband's books.

It gets even worse, C left for Chicago this weekend. To my relieve, she'll only be here couple of days in the next two months so the chance of confrontation is slim between her and the wife. But for me, I had work with the wife and her group next week :( Even worse, according to C's text messages, the wife is accusing me of pushing her. Well, there was physical contact when I escorted her out of C's garage. So if she wanted to held me liable for that, then we can see each other in court. And apparantly she had threaten C's life. Sigh... She needs some sort of consuling. Otherwise, this thing will exploded and somebody will get hurt. This is where I really really HATE the husband for being such a wimp. There must be someone he could call upon to help the wife thru this situation. Instead, the only thing he does was wanting to continue dating C and avoid the responsibility of keeping his wife in check. I'm so fraustrated at this and there's nothing I can really do about it. I didn't want to tell C or confront the husband since that'll put C on a tough spot and putting more stress on her, which is something I don't want to see. But yet, I'd been carrying the responsibility of keeping everythings in check, coming out with resolutions for the situation, doing the nightly house call, while the husband is enjoying a budding relationship. He's enjoying the reward while I'm getting the penalty of his infidelity. Sigh... Why am I doing this???

Dad's 60th bday is coming up and I had to get gifts. So I recruited the help of D. We went to shop yesterday and was a bit surprised that she actually knew the sale of Tiffany's. It was quite a nice day where we just chatted about everything, from my lastest stalking incidents to the history of our families. We talked about our friends, our families, and our vision of the future. I teased her on the shopping and she teased me on the facial and other stuff. I think she was a bit upset that I had to call my sis up to confirm that the gift she had choosen is okay. Of course I apologized and explain right of way the reason, which was because the gift was supposedly from me and Sis so I had to check with her first. I really do enjoy spending time with her 'cause it's just quite relaxing, as long as I don't express my admiration of her, I can talk about anything I want. Though I'm tempted from time to time when her version of a good bf come up and I felt that I fit that mode quite well. If I didn't have the problem of C, I really would had consider taking a shot at it. But since she knew about the whole C situation quite well (she and Sis knew the most), I couldn't in good conscience suggesting the idea right now. Especially since she just broke up with her ex and still kinda recover from that. Our relationship is quite weird but at the same time we just knew each other so well and always had fun just hanging out together. Only if we could goto Europe together, that would've been a blast. Now, I'm limited to plan for ski trips this winter. Well, at least I'm allow to do something with her :) I also know this, if it wasn't for her, I would be in lot more stress. Thanks to her, I'm actually enjoying my weekends a bit more :)

posted by HELL at 14:59

 
Now that's new for me. I was going to get pearl tea and then shoe shopping with her. Then as I was driving out of the parking garage, I saw the wife's car to the right. After hearing all the stories that she told me about her being stalked by her, I paid extra attention. When I drove out of work, she started following us. I told her and she started getting upset. We decided to go on to get pearl tea as we planned. After we got the pearl tea and went back to car, we still saw the wife's car circling around us, so she decided to call the husband. Well, she complained a bit but then again, what could the husband do. Eventually, the wife left us as we pull out of the parking lot. As we went on to do some shoe shopping, she started crying a bit. Sigh... I do feel bad for her, that's another check on the growing list I dislike of the husband. This should never happen if he had dealt with the situation in a more much adult way.

Well, as for the shoe shopping, the good thing is that I did get what I wanted, even though she didn't look at any shoes for herself. The bad thing is that she didn't feel too well and we had to abandon the plan for dinner and sent her home directly. However, one thing is taken care of, I got her a nice BR (where else) jacket, off-white, very cute, and can be wear to work anywhere. I'm just glad that she liked and more importantly, she's happy that she got it :) At least I don't have to worry about what to get her for Christmas any more, all taken care of. Well, I think I should go to sleep early today, still have to pick her up tomorrow morning 'cause she wanted to have breakfast.

posted by HELL at 21:55

 
Hmm, just thinking, it would be nice to make a little bet on what excuse she'll tomorrow to cancel the shoe shopping trip she promised today or yesterday (since it's 12am already). Let's see

1. Too much work so she had to work late and obviously won't have time to go.
2. Spend too much money on shopping already this past weekend.
3. Too tired.
4. Some other plans involving other friends, like had to have dinner with them.
5. Too scare to go or leave the car at work.
6. Got to go home and wait for phone calls.
7. Just don't feel like it.

Hmm, actually come to think of it, she does have lots of excuses that she could use, but the point is that she'll just choose one that suits her to cancel on me, as always. Even by the best of luck that we did actually get to go, it'll be like 15 minutes in and out. I mean I'm not sure if it's worth it at all. And with my bad luck these days, I'm sure something bad will happen. For example, I even got a parking ticket for going to take a traffic school exam. Of course, even though she's there, she'll never pay for it. Now, if she offers to pay, that would be totally shocking. So, please tell me again, why the hell am I a friend of this lady??? Let's try to think about that a bit, even though I know the answer is that I'm the biggest idiot in the world.

Oh yeah, one more thing to add. I was saying on Monday that she was nice to bring him lunch. And she replied that it was because he never asked her to pay for anything. And I'm just thinking, wait a minute, I always treat her so super nicely and never asked her to pay for anything, but obviously I'm far far lower than him on the priority list. Remember, he tops the list, I'm like 2179 on the list, somewhere between the co-worker working next to her cube and the wife. And this is after almost 3 years worth of hard work, I must be real bad on this whole inter-personal skill thingy. Sigh.......

posted by HELL at 01:02

 
Well, she originally promised that she was going to buy shoes with me on Monday. But since she's all shop out today, buying new handbag, ponchos, and clothes, I guess there will be no shopping today, nor will there be lunch, cause of hotpot, and I doubt there will be any pearl tea or any other things that she promised to do with me.

posted by HELL at 21:19

 
Why am I stupid and always falling for the same thing over and over again??? I mean, seriously, am I just the biggest idiot ever know to mankind or what? Should've known that she'll change her mind again, especially since she didn't say anything yesterday. I mean even if she mentioned that "we'll see" on Saturday morning does not say anything about if the schedule for Sunday afternoon will stay. Actually, these days, the likely chance is that it will fall thru since for some bizzare reason my ranking on the priority list seems to move even lower. Sigh... since it's the same usual story of her braking her promise, no point in going on to describe in detail :( The only good thing (if I can consider that a good thing) is that she did tell her boss that she needs to be back in Chicago before Dec. 19th, which means that she actually remember that I'm suppose to be there that time and she's thinking about honoring it. Well, from my latest experience, I don't think I should keep my hope that high. Still a 60% chance, I think, that she'll come up with some lame excuses about her being under too much stress and end up cancelling it :( sigh... I would love see her break some promises to other people but seems like I'm the only one that she'll do that too. I guess I should be very proud of that. Maybe that's what I have to remind myself the next time she does the same thing again.

posted by HELL at 18:34

 
Sometime I really question myself if it's worth it to be her friend. It's the same usual story, I'm been remind how low I am on her priority list. She offered to help me get some medicine for my fever, then called right before lunch to tell me that she had to go out with her friends. I understand that she need to see her other friends. Didn't say anything and still being very nice and supportive of her. Then I paged her late in afternoon 'cause she had promised to go get pearl tea, her developed film, and possibly some medicine for me. Well, she didn't return my page. Then I had to tell her that I'm just going to go by myself 'cause I can't wait, need to pick up my car from the dealer later that day. I was not happy that she dissed me twice in the same day, especially since I'm sick. Just don't have the patience to deal with her like I used to. Since she doesn't have the time to pick up the pic from me, I offered to drop it off at her place tonight. After my basketball game (which the Warriors lost, and Murphy really sucks), I called and left a voicemail, then sms her to ask if I can drop by. No response so far, guess either she just doesn't have the phone by her side or she's mad at me again and ignoring my phone call. Sigh... Either way, I'm tired and not really in that great of a mood to deal with her antics right now. All I know is that if she doesn't try to contact me by Sunday (which we were supposedly take the traffic school exam together), then the picture is going to the garbage can or the wife. I'm sure I'll be on the wife's good side again if I gave her these pictures and advise her a little (I'm feeling very evil right now). Oh, there's a little story about my run in with the wife today. I saw her in the hallway, instead of just passing me by and completely ignoring me like usual. She started mumbling some stuff in cantonese. I'm not quite sure, but I think she's accusing me of having an affair with C. That'll be funniest thing I heard in the last few months. Me and C, I don't think that's possible even if I'm the last person on Earth and the humandkind depends on us to live on. At this point, I don't really worry about it so much. I'm already conditioned to go thru the same thing, she let me know how low my priority is, I'm not happy, I get mad at her, she gets mad at me, I make adjustment and apologize, then she just enjoy life as usual.

At least it was very nice of D to send me a get well soon greeting. It's much more relaxing to be her friend than C's. The only thing is that she kept telling me that C is bad news for me. I know that she's just concern of my well being but I guess I just can't let go so easily. I'm the BIGGEST IDIOT in the WORLD.

posted by HELL at 23:35

 
She called me late tonight 'cause she still worry about the freaky wife. The wife had been stalking her for the last few days and kept mumbling something bad in cantonese every time she passed by her cube. Sigh... She's worry so I had to kinda escort her to different places. She called to ask two questions:

1. Should she push him to file the application sooner? I told her that she shouldn't do that 'cause she'll feel guilty about the fact that he's breaking up his marriage just for her. I wanted her to just wait for him volunteerily file for the divorce. That way, he's doing it 'cause he doesn't want to be in his old relationship anymore, not because he wanted to start another relationship with her.

2. Had she been too passive toward him? Oh yeah, she had been. She felt guilty, uncertain, and even little bit scare about the whole thing, that's why she hadn't been able to stand up and speak her mind like she used to in front of me. She couldn't really show the side of her that I'm used to seeing 'cause she's afraid of having no idea how he'll react. I told her that it'll take time for her to build up the courage, and time is something that they still have some to spare. So just let herself naturally summon up the courage to face him and tell him how she feels.

Sigh... Why am I her relationship advisor? :( Sigh... I really need to see a therapist or something. Well, at least I should see a doctor since I'm feeling body ache and cold right now, a sign of incoming cold/fever. Hope my body is strong enough to fight it off.

posted by HELL at 23:49

 
At least I know that D always appreciate my company. She's always being pretty good in letting me know how great of a time we have together. But she also make sure that I know there's no chance between us. I guess I just wasn't her type. Plus, she knew too much about my C trouble, to the point that she just doesn't think I can devote myself to another relationship right now or even in the near future. The sad thing is that I actually agree with her on the C part. Sigh... How pathetic can I be??? But at least I do have one good friend that I can share my pain with. I really should thank her, maybe it's time to think about a gift for her.

Well the wife is getting weirder these days at work. She's being walking by C's cube quite often and always mumbling some words in cantonese relating to slut or bitch. And she's driving C nuts with that antic. C is now scare of her and afraid that she's doing things to sabotage her work. Even with mails, C would prefer I send them out somewhere else rather than work. I didn't hear what she said, but it's quite bad that I kept on running into her while with C. Hmm, looks like the wife had become a stalker for C. Things is getting more interesting, especially with the filing for divorce coming up. Only if I wasn't involve with this whole thing at all, I would've give a good laugh and keep it in the journal as a future story to tell. Too bad that I being drag into this and the wife hates my gut. Only because I'm working to help out C instead of her. Sigh... This should never involve me at all. I'm just an innocent bystander that got drag in only because I'm trying to be a gentleman. Sigh... That'll teach me a lesson...

posted by HELL at 01:28

 
Well, there goes that. I guess I won't be making that Europe trip after all. D told me that some of her friends convinced her that it may not be a good idea for a guy and a girl to spend time in a foreign country for a week. Hmm, who are those friends, I would like to talk to them, in private (knuckle cracking). Guess there won't be a chance for me to confess my love for her now:p But no matter, I'll still have her as a good friend, sort of in a weird way. At this stage in my life, considering how mess up my personal love life is, I don't mind just having a friend I can talk to and can be super relax in front of her :)

C came back and immediately created a scene for me at work. She was talking about her trip and remembered the talk she had with her ex. Her ex was saying that he'll be lucky to find someone half as good to him as she was. The thing that immediately came to my mind was that she must've treated him like a thousand times better than me. If I find someone who treat me half as bad as she does, I'll still be used and abused like a piece of used rug. Sigh... I'm always doing things for her and I wonder how often does she ever stop and think about all that I had done. I had been hoping that someday she'll show her appreciations, but those moment are really few and far between. Well, at least she treated me to lunch. That's a first in like 6 months. But it's okay, I already recognize my place with her long time ago. No point in continue to dwell on this any more. With some help of fast driving and/or jogging in the cold dark night, I should regain my calmness.

Why is it that I'm always more optimistic with everything that's not C-related. Now, only if I can deal with C-related issue in a such a patient manner. Sleepy right now, will do more update tomorrow. I hope.

posted by HELL at 23:24

 
Went to Mendocino with D yesterday. It was quite fun. We chatted and chatted and more chatting. She teases me, telling me not to drink too much and give up on the whole C thing. I told her she needed to give guys more time to prove themselves before cutting them loose. It was just all around fun, except the part with me getting lost in SF again!!! I really need to learn more about SF and where everything is. Sigh... I had been pretty bad with that whole thing :( Hopefully I won't make a fool of myself the next time we go to the City.

Oh, D really did surprised me with her ability to drive the car super fast. She told me she won't get car sick driving, so we decided she'll take the route 128 going to and getting back from Mendocino. Boy was I shock to see her handle the car so well in the curvy mountain road, even more impressive was her aggressiveness in dealing with slower car on the road, tailgating, just short of giving them the high beam. It was quite refreshing to see her acting like that :) It was also quite nice to kinda tease her and flirt a bit with her. She was appreciative when I hold the umbrella to cover her from the misty rain, quite a different treat than said C. We even talked about the possibility of going to London together. Now, I won't mind that at all. Since it was quite relaxing to spend time with her, except when she pressure me on the issue with C. I'm actually looking forward to traveling with her if that does end up happening :)

One bad thing did happen on the trip, of the breif moment I was able to get cell phone signal near Mendocino, I got a phone call from Singapore. I mean what are the chances of them reach me when I'm on hwy 1? Well, that shows D I wasn't joking when I told her that I'm working really hard.

It's Halloween, on a Sunday. But instead of going to Castro to check out the annual parade. I'm stuck at work :( Didn't really want to go there and suffer the heartache of watching C and the coworker, nor do I want to deal with the massive sea of people there every year. Plus, tons of stuff to do at work right now, such as writing this blog :).

Was checking the schedule for travel, and I saw C had comp time off for the week of nov 14th. And also found the curiously the coworker is also taking vacation that week. Hmm, that combine with the fact she's being looking at vacation-related stuff around Japan lately, only means that she's expecting him to visit her there and they will be vacationing together in Japan. Well, it's not really my problem. And I should listen to D and just cut her loose. She needed to face the reality of life on her own. But if she really did cover up that trip from me, then I'll give her little present before I quit as her friend. But I'll wait and see what she said about her comp time off first.

posted by HELL at 21:08

 
Sigh... I hate to sigh in the beginning of an entry but today is just one of those days. Actually nothing really happened to me, I was just feeling powerless to see her suffering. She complained most of the day about the fact that she had no friends. Well, she basically lost all her friends because of this affair, apparently so does he. Sigh... I don't really care about him at all, but I do care about her and want to see her happy. The coworker is going to file for divorce (cost $3000). They thought that the wife will again do something dramatic such as telling her parents about what had happen. The only way they believed to stop that or at least delay it is to give her more of the asset and setup clause to protect it until such a time as they seen fit. Well, I told her there's two problems with that:
1. How to enforce the contract? There's no paper trail if she just decided to go tell people or ask someone else to contact her parent?
2. This is more of future implication. She will feel guilty of having him gave up so much that she'll never be able to stand up for herself in an argument.

She told me she could understand my reasoning but she doesn't know how to convey to him. Even more so, she wants this to be over ASAP, she wants to be in a "normal" relationship (she did admit that she was in a normal relationship but gave that up already). I know she just want to enjoy the companionship and joy without much of the stress and pressure of the current affair. Best of the both world approach. Actually both of them are doing that, the coworker wants to be close to her and push this relationship forward while taking time to resolve the old relationship. But sadly, life don't usually work that way, you gain some, you lose some. Sigh... I don't know how and what they can do right but I'll think of something, hopefully by tomorrow.

She was obviously stressed out, especially for not having too much social interaction at all as of late except for what I provided her with. During dinner tonight with her and the coworker and two other coworkers (one of them who knew what had happened), she just kinda blurred out lots of stuff. It surprised me a bit but I kinda saw that coming. She was just under too much stress. She told people about me being strike 1 by her sister 'cause I was trying to lecture her sis on our first meeting, she told people about pictures from her LA trip (she didn't mention where the picture was taken), she just couldn't stop herself from talking. I really felt bad for her. So I chatted with her a bit tonight and found that she was even more depressed than I thought. I detected lots of self doubt, feeling of uncertainty, and in general lack of self confidence. Sigh... It was quite sad for me to see her like that. I would much rather see her smiling and happy with other people than listening to her degrading herself. I'll try my best to lift her out of that experience. Sigh... I also went to her friend's web site and looked at some old pictures of her from college. It was just so nice to see her smile and enjoying herself. I really do feel sad for her ex. He must've been very heart broken, and even worse 'cause at some point down the line he'll find out that she had found someone else, someone who has a huge baggage. Sigh... I felt for him and felt for myself. :(

She warn me not to talk too much while in Chicago, guess her sis really don't like me. Ha, too bad I had very little care for her sort of spoiled princess who really don't know the hardship of real life. My path will never cross with her if it wasn't for her older sister. But she will learn, that life isn't just about cocktail, new shoes, fine dining, and occasional all nighter. She'll eventually know why I was stressing to her the need for her to be supportive of her sis. But if she hates me, so be it. I had always try to make everyone like me before, but now, I don't really give it a damn, I have friends who like me and will be there for me as always. I have enough confidence that I can go out and make new friends if I needed to. So I don't really need approval from her. But I am some what discourage by her strong sentiment toward me. Oh well, I don't care about her, as long as her older sis is happy, I'll be a happy man.

posted by HELL at 01:34

 
Damn it, just lost what I wrote for like the last 10 minutes. So here goes again :(

Quite a few juicy things happened last week or so. She had been nice to me lately since she had no friends to lean on except me these days. Especially now that she realized how much shit I take from her.

Well, it was her birthday on Saturday. So I took her to a decent French restaurant on Thursday for some good food and gave her the spa gift certificate. She liked it and even gave me a hug before the end of the night. That was nice of her. On Saturday, I went up to SF to meet up with K (she SMS me of Friday, wanting to play with the new GPS). But she found out my plan and made a birthday demand of wanting to see K and have high tea. So we did, at Ritz Carlton, with her and the coworker. Things went okay, nothing much happen, just the usual chit chatting. That night, I drove K back home and met her mom, even catch a glance of the world series with the Red Sox. But then I SMS K when I got home and got no response from her. She also hadn't been online the past three days. I'm wondering if she's sick or maybe her mom saw me and decided I wasn't good enough for her daughter. I guess I'll find out one of these days. Let's see what happens.

So on Tuesday, she had to wait for the coworker late at night to finish work and give her a ride home, because he wanted to spend more time with her. Well, the wife was there as well and saw them together. She was furious and during the argument, she slapped her a couple of times. Then there was a high speed chase that followed 'cause the wife wanted to know where they were going. Sigh... I felt sorry for her for getting slapped. Althought I already told her before that she shouldn't hang out with him at work setting because it only serve to inflame the wife even more and things like this will happen. Sigh... I totally blame this on the husband, he's not mature enough to take care of this issue. He needed to finish resolving the problem between him and the wife before trying to blossom a relationship with her. I mean c'mon, the way he handles the situation only brings more pain and misunderstanding between all parties. And worse yet, how many of these high speed chase can you have before someone gets seriously injured and everyone will regret for what they had done. He's the oldest and should've been mature and man enough to handle the situation without adding extra stress on her. I really don't like him at all. I know she understands the problem but just too nice/naive to speak out to him. And he's using guilt trip to try and force her to do certain things. Sigh... She should really spend sometime to think this through before continue on.

Another thing I found out today was the fact that her sister didn't like me giving her advice on the day the sisters met with the coworker. Maybe I should've put more faith in her and not say too much But the reason I did that was to setup the stage in case the little sis find out what happened and the whole mess associated to it. The sis is still quite young and also don't know enough of the situation to understand what I'm coming from. Plus, being another spoiled princess always served by the male engineer, she'll never quite understand how the real world works 'til a few year after college and learn the trick of social interaction at a professional. Sigh... She's still young, and maybe she'll understand after a few years of hardship at work and a foreign country.

Going to Mendocino this weekend with D. She needed a roadtrip after finally breaking up with her on-again-off-again bf. There was some incident dealing with physical violence which led to her finally deciding that this's the end. Well, good for her, and I'll try my best to cheer her up :)

posted by HELL at 01:57

 
Well, the food was good but the service was so so for Chez TJ. But at least she liked the food and most of the setting. More importantly she liked the gift and felt good enough to give me a hug. Only the second time she ever did that :) I also had to find a link for the digital camera that her parents going to get for her and also have to suggest ideas of bday gift for her. Wow, I'm even impressed with myself. After so much suffering at her hand, I'm still there, serving her to the best of my ability. It's amazing how much I'm willing to do for her. Sigh... Most people definitely think I'm like the biggest idiot in the world.

A bit buzz from all the alcohol (even accidentally tip over a quarter glass of good red wine), so I'm off to take a nap soon. Now, let's see how much she's willing to do for me. Let's see what I get for my birthday (which is almost a month passed already), assuming I'm doing good enough job for to be even in consideration for a reward.

posted by HELL at 23:26

 
Well, her bday card and gift are prepared. Dinner appt is booked. So I'll give her some joy two days before her actual birthday. Hope she enjoys. I'll do my best like always.

Here the final version of the bday card:
Happy Birthday, your Highness :)

Well, you’re now one year wiser, yet still far away from losing your cuteness :) It was an emotional year for you, hopefully there will be less frustration and more (lot more) joy for you in the next year :) Remember that true happiness comes within, not given to you by others. Life will always have its twist and turns, so be happy now, enjoy the moment. Like the saying goes, the first light of dawn comes after dark of night.

- Your trusty sidekick
BB or MK or AZ

PS Hope you can read my hand writing, otherwise I’ll have to send the word file :)

As like every other year, I'll give her the gift and take her to bday dinner before she ever does anything for me. But seems like I'm more calm this year. It's a good sign. At least I'm not as bad as D, I'll talk about that tomorrow or Friday :)

posted by HELL at 01:24

 
She's back from LA and life moves on as usual. I still gave her my heart and soul and whatever else I can, and still yet to see any change in my ranking on her priority list. She did mention that she had to turn down one of her friend/coworker's invitation to lunch 'cause she promised me already. Wow, I'm glad that my appt. didn't get cancelled again like it used to. Albeit only because I been the best supporting friend she had and she was the one that made the lunch appt. to begin with. But guess to her, it was a great showing of her caring for me. Not sure how I should react to that.

Well, one thing was good, she did give me like a 5sec massage. That was a first :) Guess I am making some difference in how she sees me. Though I think this's more like a abbreivation rather than a change in her attitude.

She's told me that she complained to the coworker about the fact that he still haven't filed the divorce paper. And now she thinks that he might been mad at her. Why wasn't I surprised at all? The coworker is immature in dealing with relationship and such as I expected. She only cares for herself, which I also expected. Well, guess they'll go well together. Sigh... I wish she talk to me like that once in a while, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be for me :( I'm just a servant to her anyway. Ah, no point in complaining about the same thing I been talking about for the last 2 years. Well, at least I got approval for thursday night to take her out for her birthday dinner. Hope she like her gift :) Better be.

Oh yeah, my wine I ordered from a coworker is here, costed me $810 for 12 bottles. Yikes, but they should be very good :)

Another thing, I think I'll try to change the tone of this blog. It's been basically non-stop complain about her and my fraustration with how I'm dealing with the situation. Let's just try to record more happy moment rather than sad and fraustrating times. Let's start tomorrow. If the Boston Red Sox can come back from an 0-3 deficit to force a game 7 with the Yankees, then i can force myself to forget about the sorrow and enjoy the happiness, however brief, fake, and self-serving that happieness could be!!!

posted by HELL at 01:55

 
Looks like I'm still of some use to her. Still needed to borrow my GPS which I did. Sigh... She's keeps on taking and I keeps on giving. I really don't know how long this will last but I guess I'm probably going to continue at this as long as my heart can handle it. Then I'll be gone, completely gone from her life and hopefully when I come back from that exile, I'll be stronger person :)

Met up with my friends from college which I haven't seen for like almost two years. It's great to finally see all of them and have our usual discussion about politics, arts, and science. It was a breeze of fresh air in my life that I desparately needed, especially after all the dealings I had lately with her. It was just quite enjoyable to just chat with my intellectual peers :) Oh yeah, Cal did win that football game as well. Go Bears!!! Hope we'll see them in Rose Bowl.

Here's something I saw some girl wrote while searching for "friendship letter"

hey you.
yea you.
stop making such a big thing out of this. talk to me like you used to, and things will be fine.you've got me worried. you've got your best friend worried too. you're friendship is worth more to me than you think. So stop ignoring me, or what ever it is you're doing, and just talk to me like you used to. I havent changed. there are letters in the mail, to remind you that i care. if you think for one minute that i'm not going to drive you crazy untill you just go back to you agian, then you've got another thing comming. just think about that.
I LOVE YOU. jesus. not all romantic like, you know me better than that. but as a friend. You are one of my best friends, plain and simple. what else matters?
not much.
Love,

I'll be more than satisfy if I read something that even remotely similar to this. Don't think I'm asking too much here, or am I?

So here's what I got for her bday card so far:

Happy Birthday, your Royal Highness :)

Well, you’re now one year wiser, yet still far away from losing your cuteness :) I know it was an emotional year for you, but hopefully there will be less frustration and more joyfulness for you next year. Remember that true happiness comes within, not given to you by others. Life will have its twist and turns, be happy now. Like the saying goes, the first light in the morning comes after darkest moment of the night. And you should know this already, I’ll always be there for you at your moment of needs.

-BB or MK or AZ :)

Don't know if she'll even reads it or cares about it. But as usual, I'll do what I believe must be done.

posted by HELL at 17:11

 
Sigh... She's back from Japan. So we had lunch and I told her how I felt about the affair that happened in Singapore. Told her that I felt like the biggest idiot in the world and surely other people who knew what happen there thought so too. Told her that I'm not happy about the fact that I had to hear from the wife about what happen rather than from her and that she had told other coworkers before even talking to me about it. Told her that I'm extremely disgruntled over that. So what's her response: well she couldn't do anything about the feeling like an idiot, she apologized half-hearted (at least that's how I sees it). She told me she wanted to told me in person plus when I was in Singapore with her, there was lots of unsettle thing, yeah excuses excuses. As for the third item, she really didn't have any response. As for me, well, at least I got that off my chest. Felt a bit better for a while. Then spend the whole afternoon helping her as usual, not that she'll appreciate it at all. Oh yeah, witnessed another argument between her and her ex. Felt kinda bad for the guy, he's all in the dark not even know about all the bad stuffs she did. Sigh... If I really have more than an ounce of evil in me, I could've done so much to make her life ten times more miserable than now.

As I went to pick up my friends from SFO, all of a sudden, I got this broken heart feelings again, and this time it was so strong that I felt like the only way for me to ease the emotional pain was to physicall hurt myself and divert my attention. This is not a good sign. Sigh... i don't know why, guess after seeing and hearing the stuff with her and the coworker, I'm just coming to realization emotionally about the fact that I had lost. That last three years of my life meant nothing, wasted away on somebody that was totally not worth it. I wish I can see that more clearly in the sense of emotion, maybe then I'll finally give up and move on. Sigh... For now though, I'm not sure if I'm pass that point yet. I was supposedly give her and the coworker a ride to SJC tomorrow but she called earlier in the night to tell me that there was no need. Guess I'm seeing the retribution of our conversation from lunch. Sigh... I shouldn't care about it at all, and I know that in my mind, but just couldn't convince my heart to accept it. What the hell should I do???

Still try to come up with something for her bday card. Probably going to give the bday gift and card to her sometimes next week. Then maybe I can use that as a closure for some feelings. I pray to God that is the case so I can move on.

On a happier note, my wine is finally here, should be able to pick them up next week :) Also, the new GPS system is quite cool :)

posted by HELL at 23:27

 
My rate of update had been slowed down lately. Especially since she's over in Japan. It helps that she not here to affect me. However, I'm still in raged over the whole Singapore incident where my good intention was used and abused. Not quite sure yet how to deal with it, and it's been affecting my work attitude quite a bit more than i would want it. Sigh... I need to find a way to release that anger, otherwise it'll cause more and more inbalance in my emotion.

BTW, it's 11:30pm on a Sunday night and I'm at work. Yeah sure, my big boss was trying to bribe me by taking me out to lunch. But you know what, I don't really care. I'm getting too old and tired for this job, old and tire enough that a lunch or two won't cause even a bit of excitement in me. I'm really doing this for the sake of my coworkers. Yeah, I know I got burn quite badly the last time I did that in Singapore, but guess I got to keep going. There maybe someday where my goodness will actually pay off. Just like ther 49ers, who won their game today even though they were down 16pts with less than 5 min to go. I had faith in them to stay and watch the comeback, they have faith in themselves to generate the comeback. Goes to show that as long as you have faith and be persistent at it, miracle can happen :) Sigh... Hopefully my love life can get a miracle like that.

Like I mentioned multiple times before, she's the worst person to talk to when I'm down. Because whatever she does or says only push me even further down HELL. She pressed a few times yesterday about why I'm so down, it only goes to remind me the Singapore incident. Like I said, what happen there was like a parasite, just eating away my self control. I'm fighting really hard these days to try and forget what happen there. But sadly there's always people who's more than willing to bring it up. Like a coworker (who is in the same group as THE coworker) mentioned that his manager is taking care of her. Sigh... That's like a dagger in my heart:( Guess enough stabbing and I'm sure my heart will break into thousand pieces (if it still hasn't) and I'll somehow piece them back together. Don't know how long that will take, but I hope it won't be long.

Oh, she promise to smile for me when she gets back to the States. Then again, she promised to treat me to dinner for her promotion, she promise to make me the cheesecake if our last profit sharing was more than 12%, and so on... I don't think any of them will be fulfilled. Don't really know if I should care about it at all or even spend the effort to remind her (which I'm sure she'll have ample excuses, and if she ran out, she can just yell at me and accuse me of something bad, as always). Like my friends said, why the hell do I bother with someone so selfish. Sigh... Only if I can explain that too. Oh yeah, I got her the birthday gift already. If I can actually book a night with her, I'll get the bday dinner ready as well. And yeah, just a quick side note, it's more than 2 weeks pasted my bday and nothing...

I really wonder why is my journal always about her, really do wish I can just move on. But I guess love is something that nobody can explained or controlled. Sigh... 'tis life.

Another quick note, S had emailed me couple times over the last two weeks. And I still haven't had chance to respond yet. Very un-gentlemen of me. Guess I really should do that soon, when I have the energy to do it.

posted by HELL at 23:27

 
D is right, I'm being very stupid for doing all these stuff for her, especially since the affair had happened. While pleasing her, I'm basically abusing myself. The only one that I'm responsible for in the world is myself and I really should've take care of myself first. Sigh... I know all the arguments but just can't seen to do the right thing. If there's one thing that a person can't control no matter how strong he is, is the feeling of love.

So I went with D to Monterey aquarium this past sunday. It was quite fun. We chatted about her often on-again off-again relationship with her ex (at least for the moment). My unrelenting torture at the hand of C. But she made me relax for a day and I made her laugh for a day. Good for the both of us :) She even asked me to consider going on a trip to Germany. Well, we'll see if it turns out :)

As for K, haven't really talked to her much this past week as I'm busy and just tired of all these people (parents, sis, friends, workout partner) kept pressuring me to move ahead of our relationship. I'm still going to ask her out in the future, I just needed sometime to get away, that's all.

S send me some more photos of herself. She looked nice in them but I'm just too tired these days to even think about it. For three straight days, I had been fallen asleep before the usual shower and washing face. It's quite bad, never happened before, guess I'm more tired than I thought. Still had to work this weekend, sigh...

Don't know if I want to talk too much about C, I know she doesn't like what's been happening over in Japan. I did my best to help her out but i don't know how much I can do this for her. Sigh... No point in talking about the same thing for the last 3 years, about how much i did for her and how little she did for me. sigh...

And today, one of the coworker, was hassling me about setting me up. I mean, I don't need any help from him in this area, I can have a gf if I wanted to. Why would he assume that everybody just want to get marry and how could he just naturally assume that I don't have a gf. He had absolutely no clue of my personal life at all and yet still try to butt in. Get out. Go play with someone else's life.

posted by HELL at 22:10

 
Sigh... I knew her selfishness will eventually lead to something bad at work. I guess it just happened. Heard from my coworker that the account team over in Japan despise her because of her attitude there. She doesn't care about other people's feeling, as long as her need has been fulfilled. No regard for the stress that other people are under and only cares when she get fraustrated. Now the accout team wants her pull out of there. It's really bad for her reputation right now. It's a shame. But I guess some people finally see thru her cute appearance and find out who she really is. sigh... Too bad I'll still have to be there to pick up the pieces for her. I wish I can have no feelings for her and just watch her suffer. It's sucks that I'm being bound by the code of conduct for gentleman and have to be nice and caring to her. Am I stupid for following this code???

Oh yeah, she's complain that she have ulcer now. I do wish her well and get her health back soon. Her body is quite weak and just can't handle the type of stress she's being under lately.

In other news, D got back together with her ex again, and then promptly broke up again. Guess she isn't doing much better than me. Will meet her this weekend to chat. Always do find those time enjoyable and relaxing :)

posted by HELL at 21:48

 
Well, I guess I should've expected this since I do know her quite well. See she's pissed off the account team over in Japan. The process lead there actually went to talk our big boss about her. I know how that goes, I mean even I sometimes get pissed off at her work attitude and such. It's true that she does behave lot more worse in front of me. Still I have seen how she can get easily fraustrated under stress situation and she definitely does not have the patience to deal with the slow working culture of Japan. Sigh... I of course had to warn her about the fact there's a complaint being filed to the big boss (heard it from one of the coworker). Warn her a few times that not everyone is like me and willing to issue countless free passes to her, but I guess she just don't want to listen. She's still immature and don't really know how to deal with the whole foreign country and culture. I mean the whole Singapore trip was easy for her 'cause I was there and obviously the coworker was there, and I took care of lots of stuff for her before I left. Plus she knew the customer and account team there. However, this time it's different, she doesn't know the accout team, think that she know the customer but really don't, and there's no one there to take care of things for her before she arrives. I mean I don't think the big boss quite get that and they're just playing with fire by putting them there. Sadly, I can't said anything 'cause my position as her "friend" and I really don't want to put her in a difficult situation than she's already in. That's the big reason why I haven't reveal the real reason I'm going to Singapore except for sis and my friend in taiwan. That's something I'm going to keep to myself for as long as I can. Sigh... once again, she had no idea how much I had done for her.

Oh yeah, the drive for my bday went okay, 470 miles over like 10 hrs. Read a few chapters of a book at my favor big sur coffee shop. Felt guilty for accidentally broke some small figurine without telling the store that i did it. Shame on me, I'm sure I'll be punished at some point for that sin.

posted by HELL at 01:04

 
I had read several novels where the male characters get reward when their heart was broken by the female character, but sadly in my case, that won't be the case anymore. C only talks to me these days 'cause I had tried my best not to judge her and always by her side supporting her (which is something I always did). I know long ago that she will never really appreciate all that I did for her 'cause for some reason she felt that just the way things ought to be. Sigh... Only wish I can really turn my fantasy about what I would do at her wedding into reality, but that takes some planning and lots of courage to do. Because if I did that, she and I will never ever talk to each other again!!!

posted by HELL at 20:44

 
Sigh... It's my birthday tomorrow. I guess I'll still celebrate it by myself with a drive down the coastline. At least this time I'll have brand new tires that are my sister's bday gift for me :) As for for her, she's being asking the last several days about the reason for me to refuse to go back to Singapore. I told her that she does not want to go there. Because I'm still very much angry about what took place there. I think she forgot the fact that while I was working past midnight, she was starting an illicit relationship with a married coworker. What does she expect me to think? I felt like being stabbed right in the heart. This affair between her and the coworker is my reward for being nice and offer to stay late by myself? I'm working hard so they have time to relax and this is what they did with that time. I mean, how fucking stupid am I. Basically my niceness was being used and abused and she expect me to feel good about the time spent there. Worse yet, she was telling the coworker that he should talk to me and tell me to stop pamper her. Yeah, if I did that from the beginning, they would never had an opportunity to begin this relationship. Sigh... I know she'll never give me the credit for that, just as she tend conveniently forgot all the things I did for her. I guess this is no different than last year in the sense of feeling like the stupidest person alive for doing all these works for her, and for what. I really don't know why I'm doing all these stuff. Sigh... I only wish I know the reason for me standing by her all these times, I guess this's the bitter part of about being love. Here's what I wrote in last year's birthday entry:

It'll be sadness, it'll be humiliating defeat, it'll be driving (instead of jogging) in the cold dark night. I will and shall move on with my life, and stop my pursuit of her. Time will be the best medicine to heal my broken heart and I shall be strong once again in the near future.

Well, I guess it's not much different between this year and last year. I guess there's one slight difference though, I do have another target to pursuit. But the problem is that I felt like I'm forcing myself to like K more than just naturally attracted to her. The fact that all my friends and families had been really hoping for me to hook up with her had put quite a bit of pressure on her and I felt like I'm trying very hard to get myself to think about her and be physically attracted to her. Sigh... Don't think that's a really good thing, but don't have much of a choice neither, so I guess I'll just wait and see. Oh yeah, quick little story from my outing with her yesterday. We went to the Asian art museum in the city to see the Geisha exhibit (second to last day). It was pretty good, lots of interesting ancient antiques there. Went back to J-town to have dinner at a place rated by Citysearch as the best sushi place in 2003. However, when we went to pick up her car, we couldn't find it in the Safeway parking place. Well, apparantly there was a 1 1/2 hour limit on the parking and her car got towed. She was angry and cursed a few times, but in general wasn't behaving that badly, C would be lot worse. It costed $248 for the fine and there lies the reason why I hate going up to SF. Oh I think she liked the artbook that I gave her. And she's welcome :)

Oh another thing about C's problem, so her ex had dinner with her parents. Well, her parents kept pressuring her to give one more try with the ex as they really liked him. Sigh... Only if they knew what she's being upto, they'll be lot more angrier. And her sis complained about how she's very fraustrated with her parents kept asking her the reason behind the breakup and get her to convince C that this was a wrong move. Too bad she doesn't even know what really is happening here. I would send my sympathy to them if I were allowed to by C AND if I still have a heart to send that sort of stuff. My heart had been stabbed and wrenched out and stepped on her already :( sigh... Maybe that's too strong of words, but it's pretty close to how I felt.

posted by HELL at 20:08

 
So one of our coworker came back from his exile to Japan (I kindly refer to him as her cube neighbor). He drag me aside to talk to me about the affair between her and the coworker. You know, he's the first one that told me when he heard about the whole thing from the sad wife, he kept thinking what happen to me and how I took the situation. That was heart warming to see someone who actually thought about me in this whole situation and asked how I felt about it. Of course, she'll never understand that even though she does know how I felt about her (though I did tell her I had gave up on her already). Today, the same coworker told me he was consider to use his power to kept her there at Japan for longer time. I told him that it's unprofessional for us to do that and best thing for those three involved is for us outsider to act accordingly and keep ourselves out of their business so they can have their own personal space to take care of issues. I know that her reputation had been ruined at work already due to this. Just hope that people will keep their professonalism and treat her based on her performance at work. And I just hope that she'll understand how hard I had work to keep people out of their hair and how hard it had been for me to act as much of supportive friend as I can be for her. This does take a toll on me and is a big part of the reason why I have been so stressed and disgruntled about work. I doubt she'll ever appreciate all the hardship I had taken on for her. Sadly I guess there really isn't much I can do about that at all. It's just the same continue trend as before any of this happens. sigh...

posted by HELL at 22:06

 
More of her bidding to do as usual. Well, she's off to Japan now, so we'll see how she does over there. As for other stuff, I'm probably going out with K instead of going with that coworker and one of the customer. The only way that'll be change if C asked me. We all know how I crumble easily in front of her.

posted by HELL at 22:49

 
The mystery gift is a bottle of souju. Wow, I'm like so excited.... :( I guess my alcoholic reputation preceeds me.

posted by HELL at 01:45

 
So she's going with the coworker to pick me up from airport on Sunday. I don't really like that idea, it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to see them together. I just felt sad to see them and even worse is that it kinda made me wonder if I had just wasted last two and half years of my life chasing someone that's just so NOT WORTHY. But still, my gentleman side just won't let me say "no" to her in anyway. I couldn't even reject her request of me helping the coworker. I know that this isn't the best of idea but I just don't really know how to say "no" to her. Just too weak minded in front of her. sigh... What should I do??? Maybe for this once, I should abandon my long held principle and be a VERY BAD person for once. Like back stabbing and such... Hmm, maybe I really should consider it.

Oh yeah, just remember that she mention that the coworker had been so nice to her. And in the back of my mind, I was super sad, consider I had done all that and more for her, but she's just so blind to all the stuff I did for her. She doesn't even remember most of them. For example, I'll bet anything that she won't even remember that I had help her wrote this month's monthly for her by the time next one is due. So what can I do, it's not like me to keep reminding people what I did for them, unless they really pissed me off. Maybe I really should adopt a new set of principles. sigh...

posted by HELL at 04:04

 
She came up with some clever excuse why I could never reach her on phone. Oh well, I guess now that she's back home with people to talk to, she doesn't need me anymore. Oh well, I shouldn't be dwell on her anyway. Obviously she had made her choice and since I had let her know long ago that she'll lose friends by making that decision, I guess it's time for her to learn the lesson soon. Shouldn't spend too much time talking about her now, it's just SO NOT WORTHY of MY TIME and ENERGY!!!

Just found out from her today that the coworker that I originally tried to setup with my friend a month ago was going after one of my former coworker from Taiwan, who I thought was cute. Just felt that he should've told me that he's looking elsewhere, I wouldn't have to gone thru that at all. But congrats to him for finally finding someone that he thought was good enough for him. I only wish I'm at that stage already. The ones that I find good are the ones don't like me at all. Why is that??? Is there something wrong with me or is it 'cause faith just isn't on my side these days or maybe the best is saved for last...

posted by HELL at 07:49

 
It's another saturday gone. I guess not much really happened except me spending all my money on buying stuff, cds, books, electronic gadgets, and food. Man, I'm a big spender. Got to cut back before I spend all that I earned. Still kinda bother by issues relating to her and the coworker. Can't believe that she won't even give me credit for creating opportunities for them to be together. sigh... then again, why would i want that distinction, nothing good will come to me even with the recognition. Oh yeah, she told she couldn't call me 'cause she doesn't know how and don't have a calling card. Can't she get one, if she really did want to talk to me. sigh... I guess that's another thing I'll have to get when I'm back home. It's so sad that she's been so dependent on me and yeah won't even willing to do anything to help maintain this friendship. Maybe I should just abandon her, like my sis and other friends have been telling me time and again. I should REALLY CONSIDER IT!!!

posted by HELL at 06:12

 
Had to drop C off at the airport, after running some errands and missed my friends' pre-wedding chinese tea ceramony, we chatted a bit during brunch and way to airport. I was fraustrated with her letting the coworker calling the shot all the time and the fact that he always drag her name into discussion with the wife. So I basically told her that she need to do something about it, otherwise at the end of this whole thing, she'll have no families and friends left and that he'll be the only one for her. I was extremely fraustrated by it and just decided to let her know how I felt about the situation. After some discussion with the coworker, she told me that they agreed to my suggestions (but he doesn't know it's mine). sigh... I'm just tired from the constant stress I had in dealing with her situation...

The wedding was fun, the assignment to the alcoholic table was excellent. Between the 10 of us there at the table, we drank like 8 bottles of red/white wine, and there's two that don't drink at all :) hahaha, serve my friend right for putting all of us alcoholics at the same table. I wrote him and her a check of $168, was going to be more but decided that since I had to help out with the decoration that I was not going to be as generous, so bad of me.

Off to my flight to Taiwan after all that, probably shouldn't had drove, since I don't even remember how I got home and packed and check in my luggage. Thankgod for sis's help, that's why I'm going to miss her so much. She told me that I actually functioned quite efficiently even though it was obvious to her that I wasn't sober. The only way I knew I even checked in my luggage is 'cause of the little tix stub they gave me. I did remember telling the security officer at the security checkpoint that I was drunk. So bad of me... I slept for 6 hours and all of sudden woke up and started worry about the fact that I didn't bring my badge. I even plotted the most efficiently way for me to get sis to send my badge to me. Only to found out at HK from a phone call with sis that i had already packed it in.

Got to Taiwan, and after some advanture of getting a phone #, got drag in and did facial and even paid $1000 for a whole package. Man, I must be more concern about my facial skin than I previously thought :(

Spend sometime chatting with C for a bit. She's in Japan and I asked my former college roommate to help her with picking a cellphone. See, i had been the best of friends for her, hope that maybe, just maybe, one day she'll appreciate it. sigh...

Just talked to sis, we kinda discussed how I felt about C and fact that I had decided to just stand by her regardless good or bad. Sis thought that there isn't much other options for me anyway. We also discussed her coworker who probably liked her more than just a friend but sis was clear-headed enough to know that it just wasn't the right thing to do. Sigh... How come me and sis both face similar situation at the same time? But I think sis probably handled the situation better than me. Sis's advice to me is "time will heal lots of wounds". I'm sure she's right.

Hmm, just saw the post from her sis's blog site, here what she wrote:

"In other news... ran into a friend today. He seems down... feel bad for him since he just split from his gf of 5+ years. I am not taking sides due to the position I am in... but it was a rough breakup. What do people suggest I do to help somebody get over a long term ex? I was thinking dinner and a strip club. That should do the trick, right? "

I think I know who the person is, must be the C's ex, just jogged my memory of how she told me that all of sudden her ex wanted to visit her in calif. But she was fortunate enough to be flying out on Sat so she didn't have to deal with her. She didn't really want him to be Calif, she wanted any sort of confrontation be in Champaigne. Poor fool, I do feel for him a bit but due to my position, I had to take her side. And I know it wasn't a easy breakup, especially since both her sis and ex don't really know the real situation yet. Now, I wish they know how tough of time I had to go thru. I think I'm quite good in dealing with this situation already, considering how much I was involved in creating the opportunity for the relationship to take place and blossom, and how much emotion I had devoted to her. Sigh... Somebody should think of a way to take care of me :( That's why I owe D one for helping me when I was REALLY down that night. It's always good to have friends there to support me.

posted by HELL at 22:58

 
Not much difference today than any other day. Cover for her at work while she could talk on the phone with the coworker. Apparantly he's not happy that she's flying out tomorrow for Japan, but then again what could she do, she had to work. Sigh... He supposedly the more mature one since he's more than 7 yrs to her senior. I mean, what the hell is he doing, whining about not seeing her enough. That's more of my department. She also told me that she's not as natural with the coworker since she had to act more mature and sophisicated, unlike how she felt when she's with me. She knows she could yell and scream and be un-lady-like and I'll always tolerate her. Like today, after she got upset and fraustrated with the coworker's constant whining, I got yell just because I told her she should've told me about the alarm on the system. She's obvious not paying attention to the system 'cause she didn't even noticed that the head was still on the platen and it was like a major error. She just choose to ignore and continue so she could go back chatting on the phone. I've told her multiple times that she could only do that with me, there's no way she could be on the phone for so long while working with someone else. If I couldn't even handle the amount of time she had on the phone and not helping me out, then imagine what other people could do. Seriously speaking, I could've had file a formal complaint with HR regarding the lack of professionalism for both of them. If it wasn't for me, they both couldn't be on unpaid leaves. Oh well, no point on geting to emotional abou this 'cause after all, the alcool should help with that tomorrow night :) Oh yeah, K got into an accident. Hurt her neck but otherwise fine. I been kinda helping her to look for the right bodyshop right now. Good luck to her and me (I'm off to Taiwan tomorrow past midnight.

Oh, quick thing. The californian/french restaurant was quite good. Of course I paid for it. I guess it's just the way it'll be. sigh...
posted by HELL at 23:41

 
It's been a few days since I updated this blog. Just being too busy lately with work/sister moving/friend's wedding/comforting her. Sigh... And the boss just asked if I could go back to Singapore after coming back from Taiwan for a week. I guess I'll ask to get out on Tuesday if I'm going to go, still not sure if I'll take on that though.

The LV bachelor party was good, got the groom drunk with girls and public embarrassment (4 girls and him dancing on stage in Crazyhorse too) and more girls and more alcohol. Also won $200 in Vegas on crab table. Yeah... Her other guy friend was so conservative, won't even take on a lap dance. What a shame... oh well, I had fun so that's that...

She had been under lots of stress lately, found out that she had to leave for Japan before coworker comes back from his business trip. Also found out that ppl at work had been plotting against her and the coworker. Well, I had been by her side all these time and she finally starting to understand how much I did for her. She even talked about getting a spa or a mini iPod as my b-day gift. Wow, that would be like my best bday gift ever. Although it's quite insignificant compare to all the stuff I did for her, it's at least a start of a good sign to show that she will start to appreciate my friendship. Oh yeah, she felt comfortable enough with me now to actually get tampoon for her. hahaha, good thing I have a sis. And she's being making me telling her about why I liked her just to help boost her self confidence. I guess we're that kind of good friends now. Don't know if I like it or not yet, only time will tell. Off to sleep now, not enough and just super tired from everything.

posted by HELL at 01:00

 
Looks like I'm moving in the right direction. Show K's pic to C and she thought K looked stylish, which I agree to a certain extent. But the important thing is that to show C that I'm moving on and enjoying life. I'm only there as her friend to support her in time of needs. And I think she begin to understand that now more than ever how good of a friend I had been to her. Let's see if I'll get rewarded :)

As for K, she dressed quite normal (for me atleast) and I actually found her attractive and we chatted w/o much pressure on me to carry the conversation. Quite relaxing indeed and I enjoyed. I think it's moving in the right direction and I'm excited about that. In fact I asked her if she'll come with me to eat with my friends next Tue in Berkeley. Let's see how that goes... I may actually.... :)

Off to Vegas in a hour. One interesting note (no not about the fact that we're driving down there instead of flying), one of the guys that usually hang around C decided last minute to go to the bachelor party as well. When I told C, she thought maybe he did it to spite her. Yeah C told the other two guys about the relationship and their reaction haven't been that supportive. Another reason why she realized how good I had been to her.

Tired... Hmm, wonder why M from work won't give her cell #, not like I'm going to call her up out of nowhere. I guess she just forgetten, shouldn't read too much into this sort of stuff... Anyway, a quick nap and i'm off to the drive to vegas... sigh...


posted by HELL at 03:04

 
As always, I'm only useful when she didn't have anyone else to talk. Of course she'll never understand that and never appreciate what I had done for her and for him. Both of them just don't realize the sacrifice I made for them to start and maintain their relationship. They don't even give me the proper credit for giving them the opportunity to start this whole affair. sigh...

Oh, she stayed out so late with him last night that they didn't get in 'til past 11am this morning. And she told the boss the relationship won't affect her work. Such a lie...

posted by HELL at 00:42

 
I'm REALLY losing my interest and faith in the whole relationship thing. It pains me to hear day after day of the detail of her relationship, even worse to see and hear the stuff they tell each other. sigh... And yet I can't abandon her 'cause of my honor as a gentleman to uphold my words of standing by her thru the hardship. sigh... This honor thing really hurts me, but I guess just like the tragic hero of the Greek mythology, I can either spiral down this route of torture or abandon who I am and what I believed in. sigh... I'm doom either way. This even cause me to slack off at work 'cause I really don't have much motivation at working, especially knowing how while I'm working so hard, they're starting an illicit relationship. So what's point of working hard, what kind of reward do I get? Betrayal? Dissappointment? Headach of dealing with two people so selfish? The torture of seeing them together? The list can go on and on, but the bottom line is that I'm in hell 'cause I did something I thought was nice at the time. sigh...

Well, since her parents went to Yosemite and Hearst Castle trip for two days, based on my advice, she had the freedom to spend time with the coworker as much as possible. They went to lunch and dinner together. Oh yeah and also went to shop at her favor mall too. Oh well, good for them. Another thing I forgot to mention was that he gave her a bracelet for the Chinese Valentine, which I was the one who told them. I'm probably more involved in their relationship than anybody else. I'm sure he's not too happy about that but couldn't do anything 'cause she needed me.

I don't really think I'll be seeing anyone on birthday, even my sister will be in Phoenix in her new house and starting a new job. So I won't have to worry about her wanting to spend time with her family. So this birthday won't be that much different than last one. Let's hope it'll be better next year. sigh...

posted by HELL at 21:26

 
Well, it was an expansive dinner last night with my best friend and his gf, $500 in a nice French restaurant up in SF downtown. I guess I don't owe them anything anymore.

Sigh... Maybe it was a mistake to go out to lunch with her and the coworker. Their PDA (public display of affection) was heart wrenching for me to watch. My heart ach and my hands tremble as I watched them holding hands even while eating. I guess I should've expected to see it since I was the one who asked them to be more natural in front of me. And because of that, I couldn't even asked them to stop when she asked me if I was comfortable with the PDA. It hurts more for me to hear day after day how much they chatted and how happy she is. The worse thing is that I had to play the role of good friend and continue to encourage her to go on when she's down or discouraged because of the hardship that relationship brought. They both had lots of baggage that need to be taken care of first. She need to end her relationship with the "future ex" and he need to file the divorce paper. So far it sounded like they're both still moving slow on the subject but they definitely decided to stay together for the forseeable future.

I knew it was tough for me to be there for her thru the whole thing. But it hurts even more than I had imagined. Tried to block it out of my mind by distracting myself with various task. Actually I think one reason that I'm not taking a vacation by myself was that I don't want to have the free time to actually think about this whole thing. I may actually have a heart attack from all the emotion (wish I'm kidding here). sigh... I'm tired from work, from the complain of my sister about current work and her impending move to Phoenix, mom's daily arguemnt with dad, and from the teasing I get from people 'cause they all thought I'm easy going and take the beating. I just need to concentrate on doing something and not think/worry about anything else, espeically issues related to her.

Oh yeah, saw that the coworker called her "honey" and told her that he loves her in multiple icq messages. sigh... I wish I can say that sort of things to her. But I can't. I had chose the role of good friend/confidant, I now obligated to complete my task and guide her to happieness to the best of my ability. Yes, I know I'm an idiot for making such a choice, but what can I do, this's who I REALLY AM!!!

posted by HELL at 00:09

 
Still have to cover for her at work on Friday. I guess that's pretty normal these days. She's quite insecure about this current relationship so I had been constantly trying to encourage her. sigh... The things I do for her.

Finally met her sister on Saturday 'cause she had to introduce the coworker to her and I have to be there as the ice breaker and the cover. She looks just like what I expected. But she more assertive than I expected. When I told her that her sister is happy and that she should support her, she asked me if I had gotten the impression that she hasn't been. Well, I told her that the impression I got is that she's not fully on her side even though I'm sure that she's happy for her older sis. We did also discuss the fact that she still have a bf back in Illinois and she need to end that relationship first. sigh... The drama and baggage for both of them...

Spend Saturday afternoon with D-chick, went to have high tea at this place in SF called lovejoy. Quite good experience, the place is relatively casual and the food was quite good. Really liked it and I think I'll try to go back once in awhile :) We went to Castro afterward. Well, I didn't know how to get there and asked my friend, to which he replied, drive down Market street and when you see happy people, you're there... sigh... the direction he gives... Good thing there's rainbow flag and we found the place okay. It was fun just chatting and walking with her, looking thru multiple soap shop, learning about different type of soap, and smell the different lotions she tried on :) And then we went to Chinatown to pick up prune snack (one of her favor). I really show how clueless of where places are in SF. I had to call multiple friends multiple times to get the correct location going there, amazing. Hey, I did get to where we wanted to go anyway. hahahaha... And then we ran into one of my best friend and his gf, pretty sure it wasn't accidental, they followed me there. Shouldn't called him for direction. damn.... hahaha.... Have dinner with her and then dessert between the three of us. I thought it was quite entertaining. On our way back, we chatted more about relationship and such, and she mentioned that my friends must've thought that we were dating. So I had to tell her that I'll straighten that out. Hmm, I wonder if this's a way for her to test how I felt. Nah, I'm sure she just simply making sure that I know it's an innocent friendship. Oh well, I'm not too worry about that since I had already decided that it's unfair for me to star a long term relationship with anyone if I'm not completely over the girl from work (and I told D-chick that too). But I have to admit that it was quite fun and relaxing to spend time with her :)

Oh, one thing that D-chick did said was that if I continue to shield girl from work, I'm doing her a huge disfavor 'cause she won't learn from her latest mistake. Plus she's a selfish person that really not worth my time (I know, I think I mention that a couple of times in blog). Sigh... It's one thing to know the right thing, another to actually do the right thing.

posted by HELL at 09:14

 
Finally, I let her that I knew about the bf over in Illinois for a very long time. Of course had to come up with some plausible reason for knowing the fact. Oh well, another part of this messed up thing is over with. She told me that she had to break up with the bf, which her parents really like. The next thing up, after the coworker come back, I had to accompany the two of them to meet her sister (who I'm meeting for the first time) this Saturday. Well, that's going to be interesting. Her sister thought that they should meet the parents if she think that he's "the one". But of course she doesn't know the current fiasco with the whole thing. So I had to give her some suggestions on how to deal with the whole situation. Don't know why I'm all of sudden become her relationship counselor. sigh.... don't know I should laugh or be sad about it.

Also, made a semi-booboo today with the coworker. I told her to tell him that he's not MDR, mom and dad ready (picked up from law and orders). Well, don't think he liked that and she end up apologizing and had to give up a friday night visit to calm him down. Oh, she told the other two guys about the relationship. hmm, one of the them accuse her of being selfish, well, that's not really new. Just like she's always talking on the phone or text messaging while I'm doing her work. It's how it goes... And you know what, I actually don't really care all that much since I been so disillusional about work and her. Also told her that she'll probably lose some friendship and have tough road ahead in the department of family if she chose to continue with this. And also told her I'll be there for her as much as I can but she had to make the choice herself...

Oh yeah, had lunch with some old college friends, he twisted his knee and in physical therapy right now. He talked about the therapy for the entire lunch. One thing that struck me was that he told us how positive the workers there were and its influence on him. I never realized the attitude of the people around could have such great effect on someone who's facing some hardship (he was talking about how valuable it was to be able to walk). Maybe I should act more positive around her...

A few more things that I remembered. Did told a coworker that I wasn't the happiest person to see her landing in Singapore. After I heard the story about how her ex did not like her travel and working such a long hour, I realized the reason they're together because of the commonality of their significant others distraction/unsupportiveness. This's the happiest I had seen her, one of the big reason why I stuck around to help the love couple. sigh... I'm just such a nice guy. Oh, need to tell her to be more independent in front of him, 'cause he's probably more used to that 'cause of the personality of the wife. It's quite interesting how I keep coming up with this sort of stuffs. Hmm, I began to doubt the claim that I understand myself.

posted by HELL at 12:21

 
Continue to support her in anyway I can. I been given the nick name of "confidant" but probably prefer "blue confidant". Let her know she should really thank me for creating the opportunity for her and the coworker to be together. sigh... Yup, I'm the BIGGEST FOOL in the WORLD. Telling him about the Chinese valentine on Sunday, encouraging her to make up excuse to sneak out of house on Sunday (her parents still in town), volunteering to take care of her parents, looking for apartment for him, offering my help to help him move, and continue to give her support in this difficult time for both of them, sigh... Don't really know why I'm doing these other than the fact it's a habit of me to grant every one of her wishes. Such a sucker, and I don't even know what I get in return for doing all of these. sigh.... I'm tired, need some sleep, and more importantly, some vacation. Oh one side note, my pen pal just broke up with another bf of hers, i guess we'll meet up this saturday and try to recover from our latest wound together :( I want to cry but the optometrist blocked my tear drain...

posted by HELL at 01:15

 
Ran into the wife and had 1/2 hr chat with her about the whole situation. She told me that she had calm down quite a bit from the initial anguish. Now she's even thinking about what to do in the future, maybe even going back to school. Mentioned that she regret involving the girl from work in a talk that should've taken place between her and the coworker (her husband, for now). We chatted about how people get lost and become unsure of future. Just in general about one's philosphy of life and such, looks like she felt much better and rational now. Hopefully this'll help the three of them get to some sort of resolution soon regarding this situation.

Well, as for the girl, it's being pretty much the same. I'm handling her work while she's on the phone with the coworker. Oh well, ain't that much different than before... She's also making me go along with them for the first meeting between her sister and the coworker. She want me just so it's less awkward for the three... Wow, I didn't I can be serve as an ice breaker.

Another thing, I'll probably give up my time slot for the coworker to visit her in Chicago during the Christmas break. It really dosen't matter for me anymore to be there in Chicago.

Oh, one more bad news... Sister is leaving the area to work for another company over at Phoenix. I'll really miss the days where I can be depress and just drive over to her house. sigh... Now I'll actually have to either go rent an apartment or tough it up and sleep in my own room. I'll REALLY MISS SISTER and the KIDS... sigh...

posted by HELL at 00:00

 
Sigh... I'm doing exact what the lyric of one of my favor Chinese song "Very Very Love you" had described. I being keeping her happiness as my top priority, advicing her on her relationship, dealing with rumors, telling her that her SMS is not all free (not 'til she paid extra for the unlimited plan), and doing her work while she talked on the phone nonstop with the coworker. I know, I know, I'm being a stupid idiot. Trust me, I know that, even planning on using that in my toast at her wedding. It'll go something like "being her former admirer and all, I thought I was happy to see her come to Singapore, well, it turn out that somebody was happier. And when I told him to take care of her while I'm in the Fab working past midnight, he really took my words to heart.... Well here's a toast to the happy couple, wishing them happily ever after, and to the biggest idiot in the world, ME". sigh... And I still have calm her down when she heard one of the other coworker joking mentioned that the boss is mad and that's the reason he won't approve her expense report. See how much bs I have to put up with at work, no wonder I'm losing sleep (can't sleep past 8am) these days. Too much stress...

She knew the importance of me being there for her and always watch out for her best interest. Even jokingly offer to buy me a set of new wheels for my car. Thanks, but I really don't need you to buy me anything, don't want to let you off your guilt so easily. Even though that guilt is ever so slight and she went back to the old way of treating me real quickly (like telling me that she'll call me back but never did, talking on the phone the whole day and I carry her workload for her, and...). Oh, and here's another thing, she actually borrow airline milage from another single male coworker to buy tix for her parent. And she question why there's rumor of her not acting according to the standarde of a lady. sigh... too bad I could never question her that... I thought I knew the meaning of the phrase "deepest sorrow is a heart that cannot rejoice" before, but now I'm getting a much better at fully experience the truth behind the phrase. sigh............

posted by HELL at 00:58

 
Went to her place and picked her for some pearl tea and other errands tonight. Then the coworker called and she asked if he could come. Of course being the gentleman and good friends that I am, I agreed to it. She wanted me to talk to her and made some judgement on him for her. But the problem is that she's there and I wasn't sure how straight forward I can be, so it was a bit awkward as I tried to figure out what the bottomline is and what I could and couldn't talk about. Plus the fact that since I previously had strong feelings for her and that made it even more freakish. In any case, I gave her my honest opinion about how I felt regarding their relationship, that there was a long tough road ahead of them. Also told her that she need to answer to herself the question about the fact did she really fall in love or just felt lonely in a foreign place and just want to grab onto something. I told her that my opinion is that it's the former since she could've grab me instead :) sigh... Well, atleast I'm to the point where I can made fun of myself nowaday. Oh yeah, I did told them that they owe me for this one. She's definitely in debt to me for a long time to come. Sigh... Couldn't believe that there's still people like me, holding true to the tradition of gentleman's honorable action regardless of circumstance. Just like the lyric of one of my favor Chinese song, my happiness come from seeing her being happy, if that means she's with another person, then so be it. I felt that my responsibility as her "very good" friend is to help her as much as I can, which I had and will continue to do so. sigh... Am I stupid or what??? How did I became her relationship advisor, that's such a cruel joke faith had played on me :(

Oh, also told my boss on Friday during lunch to put me on the next layoff list, I'm tired of working and somewhat of this whole fiasco. I guess I just need sometime away from everything, looks like my birthday will fall on a monday, so I'll probably take that day off and do the same thing I did last year. Let just said that I need some time off away from everyone and everything. Just so I can sort my mind out. I know I didn't do a good job at that last year, but hopefully I'll be better at it this year. I guess we'll see what happens...

posted by HELL at 00:59