Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
I sounded so nice and sincere when I talk to her, so different than when I'm talking to anybody else. When I'm talking to my friend, I can be nice or sincere, depending on the topic, but never both at the same time. I couldn't even recognize that it was me talking on the phone... Haha
posted by HELL at 17:02

 
Her friend from Illinois came last night to see her, spend a night at her apartment (I think). Met him this morning and he wanted some congee for breakfast. So I drove her, her friend, and her co-worker around to find congee. I am a damn nice person, doing all of these stuffs without ever complaining to her. I did find out that my co-worker (the one I drink with a lot of times in Taiwan) does care about enough that when I ask him about getting congee in the morning, he make sure I was ok. So nice of him, not like some people I know. Wish she care just a little bit more about me and check on me once in a while when I act weird. She did ask me if I was ok when I wasn't very talkative in the beginning after meeting her friend. I told her half of the truth, that I was tire and not fully awake yet. The other half of the truth is that she never pay much attention to my mood, only when she needed me to be a slave for her:(

She called her dad with my cell, still block my phone #. What's up with that? I just don't understand. Oh well, like I said in the previous entry, I don't think she wants her parents to know about my existence. I guess I'm just not up-to-par to be one of her family-recognized friend :( Not much to dwell over with.

While I was eating my dinner, she called to ask my advice on if she should go with her group to dinner (her boss is paying for it). I told her to go and then excuse herself when she feels like it. Anyway, just want to point out that she began to trust my advices. It's a good sign that showed that she has more trust in me.

A couple different experiences with her today. The only real conclusion came out of the day is that she's still spoiled, I'm still a friend for her, and that the moving-on process is going be long and painful :( What can I do, not much, so it's time for me to sleep.
posted by HELL at 01:36

 
Ouch, my arm was hurting from the many time she hit me after I told her that everybody who had seen me recently ask "Adam, did you lose some weight?" Hehe, I think tucking the shirt in and all the cardio exercise helped shape my body. I knew all these hard works will eventually pay off :)

The more I think about the whole blocking phone # thing, the more I realize that she probably just see me as some guy from work who help her once in a while and kept her company at work. nothing more, basically, all the stuff I did over the last year really just fell into a black hole and didn't really get me any where at all. What a pathetic attempt by me, ha, I guess I learn my lesson. Ok, not really, but at least I can see this as a practice run and hopefully learn a little more about how to deal with various situations.

I guess she'll never introduce me to her parent as one of her friend, my whole daydream about meeting her parents and then my plan of what to do when I meet her family just went up in smoke. Useless fool. That'll teach me to daydream about things that'll never ever happen. Ok, I guess you can detect some venting of fraustration here. I just need to let go some of the stress in my mind.

Right now, I'm thinking about what type of activity I should plan for my birthday. It's a saturday. But I seriously doubt that many will care, including myself. It'll be just like last year or the year before that, or the year before that. Spending at work, or just another day in my busy life. However, this year will be even worse for me since I really want her to celebrate it with me, but I doubt she would even remember it. So sad. As of now, I think I'm just going hike up the hills by myself or with my hiking friend, spending the day reflecting on what I had done the past few years. Haven't really done that the past few years. Hmm, unless something dramatic happen, that's going to be what I'm doing.
posted by HELL at 22:39

 
Ok, a few interesting things happen today. So let's get started.

So my ex-boss and I had lunch today. He told me that many at work had inquire about the relationship between me and her. I told him that there really isn't anything between the two of us (which is true) and I don't really give a damn what anybody else think about us. I'm going to continue doing what I feel like it, just completely oblivious to the rumors out there at work. Hopefully she could do the same as well.

Went to get taro ball and Costco with her. BTW, her dad, mom, and sister were looking for her 'cause they were worry about her. She had been complaining about work and telling anyone whose willing to listen that she's afraid of the RIF. Also, (and here is the really funny part) they were worry about her getting taken away to confinement 'cause she's asian and she could be potentially expose to SARS. What kind family would believe in something like that??? It's just so typical of mass hysteria. So typical of asian family. In fact, they're a bit worse than the typical asian family that's so susceptible to false info and mass hysteria. It just cracks me up...:))

She end up calling her mom on cell phone. However, she did block out my phone # with the *67 option (I didn't even remember it until I check the phone #). So she obviously don't want her mom to know my phone # or my name (she asked that if the phone is registered under my name). There are two plausible hypothesis: 1) She didn't want her parent to even know my existence, she either sees no need for her parent to get to know me or she really don't like me and making sure that her parent will never find out about me :( 2)She didn't really want her parent to know the # 'cause she didn't want her parent to be calling me if they couldn't find her, just as a courtesy or don't think I'm worthy of getting into her inner circle. Either one of the hypothesis is possible, however I'm more leaning on the 2nd one for the moment. Not that any of these matters to me, seriously. When I went to discuss this with my sister and friend, they both thought it wasn't such a big deal and I'm putting more weight on it than necessary. Hmm, am I just a bit too sensitive on this subject? Although, they (sister and friend) did miss one part of the info that I didn't really feel like sharing, which is that her parent had at least one of the guys' phone #, possibly all. sigh... One thing kinda saddens me is the fact that after all these stuff I did for her, I'm still not good enough for her to get into her inner circle. I'm not that depress, just felt that I had failed this time. I just couldn't get deeper into her social structure. My place in her mind is very small, probably just another dumb guy who is willing to be taken advantage by her... So I'm a fool, I thing we established that a while back already. Then again, at this point in time, I just don't really care how she feels about me anymore. I'm only doing this a practice run and getting experience as much as I can... (just keep this as a friendship)
posted by HELL at 00:14

 
FIrst of all, let me said that I fully blame her for the lack of sleep last night. I actually woke up in the middle of the night (which hadn't happen in a few years) and had a hard time falling back to deep sleep again. All her complaints really got to me and made me worry about her. sigh... And I woke up really early in the morning and just decided to go to work. She better think of ways to make up for my lost sleep :)

So it's D-day. And it went by w/o much hoopla. A few friends are gone, and I'm sure a few hearts are broken. Some at work told me she had a red eye the whole morning 'cause she felt sorry for the ones that was affected by the RIF. So nice and good hearted of her. I am proud of her.

So I found out she made 6 of those cheese cake thingy, wow, and I got one :) Of course, that really doesn't mean much and it won't affect how I feel about her or my plan for the future of this relationship. I feel good about how I am dealing w/ this whole thing right now. I'm enjoying the time I spend with her, and yet, when she's not by my side, I don't really feel the need to have her near me. I think I'm moving along just fine. And the biggest thing is that I got past the fairness issue I mentioned in the few entries ago. I realized that there is no true fairness in the world, you do what you believe is the right thing to do and just let the rest fall in place.

side note: I think more and more people at work think I'm dating her or at least I'm actively pursuiting her. But nobody dare to say anything 'cause I'm such a nice guy and so helpful to all the people.
posted by HELL at 23:12

 
Wow, amazing. First thing in the morning, she dropped off a cheese cake w/ fruit type pastry at my cube. I didn't believe it at first, but apparantly she made it herself. Again, WOW. Anyway, I tasted during lunch and it actually tasted pretty good. I wish she could make more for me though.

She was very scare of the whole impending Reduction In Force that's going to happen tomorrow. So I spend a lot of time comforting her and listen to her complaints. I even bought dinner for her. I'm such a gentleman :)

As I explained to my workout partner, me and her just have such vastly different vision of life and future in such a fundamental way that I just could not envision myself treating her as a potential future partner. We could definitly be good friends and all that. But nothing much more than that. After so many agonizing months I finally recognize the truth behind all of this particular relationship and starting to be at peace with my inner feeling once again. Did I mention that I always admire my self control ability. hehe... :))
posted by HELL at 23:27

 
Wanted to go to Costco w/ her. But forgot it's Easter sunday, so pretty much everything was closed. We also went to Valley fair and then she saw the crate and barrel. Ha, but that's closed too. She did show me Mai Do, one of her favor store. It had a lot cute stationery stuff from Japan, hmm, she mention several times about those cute looking cat in the back of the store. Well, I guess that's the hint for birthday gift. Not that I care much at this point. Like I said, now that I'm done w/ my promise to myself (the Musical in SF), I'm no longer under any obligation to do anything extra for her. So I'll do what I want when I feel like it.
posted by HELL at 00:31

 
More I talk to my friends and sister about the current situation, the more convince I am about my decision of transforming this relationship back to a normal friendship. I did what I promised myself, so I don't have any regret or lingering feeling. Time for me to move on. Just one thing to wonder, how long can I keep this up? It'll be a test of my mental toughness.
posted by HELL at 00:37

 
Well, the show is over, and the things I must do is done. So how shall it be??? First of all, let's me tell a few things about the night. After I park the car, we went to the restraunt (paul K). After a few blocks, she started complaining about how her feets hurts because we walk too much and she was wearing high heel. So we started walking slowly, still we got to the restraunt on time. During the meal, she pointed out multiple times that she felt weird in a restraunt where there were obviously many homosexual men. Interesting, she seen to be uncomfortable w/ them around. As we finished up with dinner, I appologize about the long walk (0.7 miles according to the yahoo map) to the restraunt and ask the waiter to call a cab for us. So we took the cab back to the theatre. But the cab driver didn't have enough change for a $20 (what's up with that), so I had to run into the Burger King nearby and get change. The show was pretty good, it had some great moments (such as "Springtime to Hitler") and some bad moments (such as "Prisoner of Love"). She laughs but also expressed her boredom by looking at her pager (c'mon, who brings their pager to the theatre). Anyway, we discussed about the play and how she like parts of it but in general didn't think it was that great of a play. I actually agree with her on this. So we talk about stuff while driving back, and I asked her if she wants donut for breakfast, of course she said no 'cause of the fatty stuff :) Gave her the egg that my friend made for me. But she was complaining about the egg and didn't even want to take a look at it. I was kinda sadden by that:) Oh well, I guess it's my fault since I didn't realize the walk would hurt her feet and the I guess I just don't understand the whole high heel thing:)

So I guess it's over all a decent afternoon spend w/ her. Other than the usual complains and naggings from her, it went pretty smoothly. So now the burning question is what shall I do now that I had completed my promise to myself.

I shall obey the council's decision and put some sort of distance emotionally between myself and her. Well, that's going to take some good self control and I just hope I have enough mental toughness to do it. Still, I'll keep her as a friend and we still could go out once in a while. I need practice on dating (just as my workout partner pointed out, I don't date often before :...( I do need more fine dinning experience and better understand how to be with a girl. Then it is decided. I shall remove the lust/love factor from the relationship and maintain it as a strict mutual (i hope) friendship. Great, hopefully my mind will be calmer now that the decision had been made.
posted by HELL at 01:17

 
I think I sound like a robot during the last entry :) Ok, I guess I should obey the decision of the council unless something unforeseen and dramatic happens. Wish me luck. Check back later.
posted by HELL at 00:58

 
Had an interesting discussion with her over dinner. First of all, it's one of those rare moments where she actually ask me if I want to have dinner w/ her. I think that happened 4 times over the last 14 months that I knew her. So it's definitly somewhat of a surprise for me. Then, the discussion just got very interesting. It started off with me talking about my friend's attempt to get the girl he love to go out for some pearl tea. Then we started discussing about relationship and she's like an advisor to her guy friends 'cause she knew and understand how a girl would act (she's girl:), then she got very excited (not in a good way) over discussion of Christian practice. BTW, she doesn't goto church. She told me how she went to bible study group for undergrad and grad. How the conservative (practice by the book) Christian would pray and pray and there will be not actual dating and stuff. She proclaim that she knew all there is to know about how the Christianity work in terms of marriage and dating and related stuff. It just so interesting. The way she acted show me a side of her that I rarely see. She's revealing some of her past to me :) Remember, one of my favor past time is to guess and rebuild a person's past experience based on their discussion and reaction to certain subject. My bold guess: she liked a guy who is very much so a conservative Christian; because of him, she joined the bible study group (fellowship) to get close to him (or one of the guy that was pursuiting her in college got her in there, both are possibilities); then she realized she had to be very devoted to the religion to be with the guy and she didn't like the fact the guy was so much more devoted to the religion than she is. How intriguing, I love these type of stuffs that provide me some insights of people, one of my favor hobbies. Also, she's saying that the guy should be more understanding and not pursuit a girl if the girl have already say no. Hmm, interesting, based on what I know of her and her sister, I'm sure this type of situation happen to the Sisters several times before. Interesting, indeed. As for her, traveling alone with a male companion is not a problem, does not indicate anything other than they are good friends. (BTW, just want to mention, that she got platium level for American Airline, she made such big deal about it) And also that girls are not that sensitive, if the guy doesn't tell them, they can't guess what the guy's real feeling is. That kinda go against my experience where the girl usually is pretty sensitive about this type of stuff. Maybe I'm just dead wrong about this, though, which happen often :)

It rain outside, I jogged for 2 miles even though it's late at night (10:30pm). It helps me clear my head up and perform self-analysis regarding my emotional state. So far, I think I'm moving in the right direction. I'm slowly removing the love factor from this relationship. Through my more intimate contacts with her (not physical!), I have been able to look at her more clearly and determine my relationship with her will lead to more of my unhappieness if there is too much lust involved. Therefore, I must remove this destructive component and shift the relationship content to be similar to pure friendship (very good friend, similar to that of one of my other female friend). The target is to complete this transformationl by the end of my current life cycle (by September 27th, 2003). Unless unforeseen event took place, this will be the final decision regarding this matter, as of April 16th, 2003. Contingency plan will be formed over the next few months. End of council decision regarding this matter.
posted by HELL at 00:57

 
She was sick and didn't come to work today. This is the first time she got sick and actually paged me about it on the same day. Must because I kept sending her pages. Hopefully she'll get better tomorrow and enjoy the long work hour again. I like how felt tonight: I know I'm down, but I also know that I can get myself excited and ready to face tomorrow and whatever challenge it may bring. For this is one of my proudest attribute of myself, the ability to forget the past and enjoy the challenge and opportunity of the future. Remember this, in my darkest hour, I shall rise from a shattered heart and become strong once again.
posted by HELL at 23:33

 
Well, I thought about what kind of birthday card I should send myself, well, here it is.

"Well,another year has gone by. So, today is the date that you'll face with your ultimate decision regarding this relationship. So how shall it be? Will it be laughter, or sadness? Will it be courageous triumph, or humilating defeat? Will it be a nice dinner out in a romantic restraunt, or jogging in the cold dark night? So what will it be? What will you do for the next year? These are the questions you must answer... So wish you luck and a day of memorance. "

Haha, I know it sound kinda weird and sad, but 'tis my life. And I'll live it as the way I could manage with all my heart.

posted by HELL at 23:34

 
She called me up to chat 'cause she was bored. I talked to her for about 15min (ok, 14min and 20some seconds), and then I cut off 'cause I had to go eat (seriously). Well, I don't think this will change my feeling about this whole relationship or my plan for the near future. I'm still going to hold myself to my promise and do what I believed to be the right thing to do, after that, then we could discuss next course of action.
posted by HELL at 23:24

 
You know what, logically analyzing this situation, I realized that I have no intention of ever getting anything beyond dating w/ her. She's not the type of the girl that I could envision myself spending the rest of my life w/. She can only be a house wife of some rich guy, not a wife who will fight w/ you in the real world for our better life. Therefore, there is no real point to continue going after her, logically speaking. Only if I could get my heart to accept this logical reasoning soon :)
posted by HELL at 18:33

 
Didn't get to exercise w/ her. I'm getting angrier 'cause the more I think about the whole situation, the more I realize how I'm just some guy she could take advantage of. She really hadn't done any nice for me (Ok, so she bought me some candy from Chicago and I got a few things from her from Costco and I get to use her Costco card.). I had done so much for her and she never appreciate my effort and never really thank me sincerely. Oh well, the dead line of Apr. 18th is coming fast. Once that's all over, hopefully I could move on. I think I'll be cleaning away my worldly posession next week and then I'll try to get rid of her from my heart soon after that. Wish me luck.
posted by HELL at 18:31

 
More complaining about work from her, I tried my best to comfort her, but I'm not sure I have the right words to say or she's willing to listen to me. The shocking thing is that there maybe a chance she'll cancel next week. I REALLY hope she's not going to. I'll be extremely mad and I'll have to express that anger in some way. I wish I could just go up to her boss and tell him that she needs the time off and remind them of work-life balance and the fact that we did not sell our life and our soul to this company!!!
posted by HELL at 00:08

 
She keep on complaining about the hard work and long hours... Wow, I never understand how people just keep on complain about something they cannot or not willing to change. I'll do the best I can, until April 18th. After that, all bets are off. For I'm going to utilize my self control and show people that I can and does have full control over all my emotions.
posted by HELL at 00:05

 
She called me to complain about hard time and work and stuff. I guess I'm the one of the people she called to complain about work and kinda understand. Another 2 weeks until layoff day, I guess we'll see how that whole thing is going to turn out.
posted by HELL at 23:50

 
Why is it that she never appreciate what I do for her? I stay late to help her, find cheap tix for her, take her to musical, gave her info & advice @ work, and that's only a few of hundreds & hundreds of time that I help her! And yet, I rarely get any signs of appreciation from her. I'm not mad about her relationship with the other guys but at the unfair treatment I got from her! I probably did more things for her than most people, I would literally drop what I was working on and rush to her side just to help her. And yet, usually I only recieve some not so genuine thank you! She would take other people out for their b-day, give them nice gifts (genuine gift), and me, I got nothing except a half-hearted lunch (or dinner-can't remember), which I paid for. She's really only using me, remember, she still hasn't thank me for the musical tix!

I think the reason I fell so quickly under her spell is because I haven't fell for anyone in 7 yrs. Also is because of Judy's wedding make me feel lonely. I fell so fast & so hard that I lost my usual subjectivity & my self-control.

The only solution @ the moment is to finish what I promised myself that I'll do for her. Tommorrow, I list some action items to be completed before I move on!

I am just really angry right now! The more I think about how she completely diss me while I'm there to help her but she's willing to answer page from other people! Fuck this shit! I need to calm down before I even talk to her again! April 18, I'll be free after that date :D Can't wait!
I had decided to stop contacting her until she make the 1st move. Hmm, that's been done before.

I am such a PATHETIC FOOL! A couple pages from her & I completely ignored how mean she was treating me. Let's see what happens next.

posted by HELL at 21:36

 
Just remember that she's going to a wedding in summer, and she's already planning on bring someone w/ her. If it's the other guys, then that means I lost! I wonder how I would take it, hmmm, difficult to predict. Sometimes I really can be a very unpredictable 'cause all the diversed experience I had. The only thing that I could think of right now is shave my head (that'll a great pic to take) and throw away a lot of my physical possesions. I guess we'll see then, maybe I'll be out of her spell by then...
posted by HELL at 00:13

 
Drop everything again at work to come to her rescue, don't think I'm going to getting that many chances... Wrote her poem about how I feel regarding this whole relationship, wow, have never done that before. Sometime, I'm so impress w/ myself, j/k. BTW, I'm trying to make a T-shirt for myself, the front "sentimental fool" still working on the back, how's "May God damn you to hell" sounds?
posted by HELL at 23:37

 
I am so proud of myself!!! I found out that she's planning on going to Alcartraz w/ one of the other guys, but there was only a little bit of jelousy rose inside of me. Amazing, and after a little drive and loud musica and then 2-miles jog, I'm almost back to normal. Yeah, I'm almost out of her spell. Can't wait, after the Producers musical, all should be over, the only thing left will be pure friendship. And that's the time when I can really discuss some interesting stuff w/ her, haha...

BTW, the sisters (her and her sister) really know how to leave guys on with their antics and then turn around and act innocently to proclaim "Can guy and girl have a pure friendship" So amazing, well, once I'm out of her spell, I can critique them anyway I want and not worry too much of retribution. Oh yeah!!!

Also, why does some of the guys always sacrifice them so their love can live w/ happieness. The sad thing is that I'm one of those guys, sentimental fool.
posted by HELL at 21:10

 
She accepted the tix to the producers musical. So last thing I'll do for her is now under way. My life is moving on. She told me that one of her friend got a house. Man, i want my own house too, I need to start working on saving more money and get myself a house. One day, i'll be able to do this, I just hope it's sometime soon - in the next 3 yrs, I hope.

BTW, I stayed w/ her until past 8pm the last two days. I need to state this just so I could remember.
posted by HELL at 23:49