Everybody always said ''til the day hell freezes over''. But has it ever freeze over? Contact me if you want to discuss anything hellfreezeover666@yahoo.com . Not that anybody actually read this blog. I'm just as lonely as ever. From a pathetic fool in HELL!!!

 
Below is the letter I send to Carmen...
posted by HELL at 00:12

 
Hello Carmen

First, let's me apologize that I can't type in Chinese, I can only send you email in English. Just a side note, I have no problem with reading Chinese, just writing it :)

I'm loyal reader of your webpage, you must recieve emails like this from time to time :) I been browsing your web page since beginning of this year. In fact, I don't even remember clearly how I stumbled upon your web page. All I recall is that I was searching for something totally unrelated to your webpage and somehow your page show up as one of the link. I would say it's pure luck that I'm here reading your great site, but it's because of your excellent site that I'm actually writing to you (I like to be a silent surfer of the web :))

I'm writing to you because I want to tell you how much of an inspiration your web page had been to me over the last few months. I had been in this relationship where I felt I had been putting in a lot more efforts than the other person. In fact, I been needing to jog at night (personal habit) a lot to help clear my head because I'm always in an angry mood after dealing with her at work :( However, reading your personal thoughts and your suggested articles (I'm not sure how to translate ÂÃ®Ñ»Õ correctly) had help me to be more receptive of my failure in this relationship. I especially like your latest entry about letting go of our °õ and "getting angry is punishing yourself for other people's fault" . So glad that you are continue to share your thoughts with us all. Surely I'm but one of the many people who benefit from reading your page. Again, I just want to thank you for your great page and hope that we can become pen pals. I would love nothing more to share my thoughts with you from time to time :) Hope that's ok.

Regards
Adam
California, USA

P.S. I accidentally send you an email with no text. Sorry!
posted by HELL at 00:11

 
Big crisis at work, may need to goto Germany next week. Hmm, it'll be interesting.

Talk to her today for a bit. Felt a lot better 'cause I don't care as much about she does. Getting angry is using other people's fault to punish oneself. That was a great quote I got from a web page I been reading a lot lately. I'm going to write to the web master of the page soon. Hopefully I can call her a friend in the near future. Will post my letter to her here when it's finish. But I'll actually spend some time composing this letter.
posted by HELL at 23:30

 
Third day into my self-imposed punishiment of no lunch. She knew about it. Yet, she just thought I'm crazy, never even cross her mind to offer me something to eat. If the situation was reversed, I would always ask if she want anything or if could pick something up for her. Never once since she knew me that she would bother to offer me anything. sigh. And I asked her once again just to confirm that the UPC code of the memory stick is gone. I got anger treatment. She yelled me about that she didn't intend on losing it and blah blah blah. All I wanted to know is that it's gone so I can get rid of the reciept (burn it). So I get yell at once again for nothing, I guess it's expected, considering she never really cares about me and see me more as a nuisance than a friend... sigh, sigh

All that doesn't matter now. I just finished off burning the reciept for the memory stick, along with the Mamma Mix tix (bad bad decision, won't happen again), her business card, reciept from the jamba juice I got her today, and some other stuff. I know this is very unusal and unatural way of getting over somebody. But whatever will take my mind off her and make sure that my emotional side of the brain recognize that this is not a battle I can win. So hopefully this will help me get over her and move on with my life. I know I been saying that for a while now, but this time I'm more serious than ever before because I'm more deeply hurted than ever. sigh... Only time will tell...
posted by HELL at 00:20

 
Ah, my first day on my new mission to have some fun. Okay, so I failed the fun part. But at least I succeeded in putting myself into a more just friend and nothing more spot (don't really know how to describe it). She was surprise I became so apologetic all of a sudden. I just need to put myself mentally farther away from her, the greater the distance between us, the better off I am and the quicker I heal.

She had an "appointment" with her friend. Guess who have to help her finishing some work related stuff. yup, stupid me yet again. I guess there won't be lunch tomorrow again:( I need to learn my lesson before I'm starve to death 'cause of the penalty of no lunch (I'm penalizing myself for invest too much effort, time, and money into an extremely low return investment).

Interesting thing from her sister, below is a section:

And I am the only one who thinks that it is wrong to go after the younger sister if things didn't work out with the older sister? I am not referring to any specific person or event... but I can shed some light on this since it has happened a few times in my day. (God, I sound so old.) I guess I would be flattered that my sister's former suitor was asking me out... if I was into incest. Okay, I guess it's not quite as extreme or illegal as incest. But still... and then I always get the 'why not' speech. Why not? A heads up to the boys that haven't already figured this out.. in a way, it's almost like the little sister was second pick.


Deepest sorrow is a heart that can't rejoice.
posted by HELL at 21:35

 
Hmm, I think I know what's going on, finally.

Got her taro ball yet again. Not much of a thanks, expected, typical of her. She gave me a card to get stamps from the pearl tea shop. But of course it's one of those that I can't use to get free drink, still need two more drinks. Another expected turn of event.

Have to work late 'cause conf call with Asia. Found out she's going with the guy friend of her to eat dinner. Hmm, expected. Since I didn't have lunch and was very hungry, in my anger state, I paged her to ask for her to bring me back something to eat. After 15min, she called back and ask for what kind of food. I asked just pick up something from the place she ate, she kept asking what I want w/o telling me the type of place she was at. Hmm, unexpected and indeed interesting. So after agonizing it for a min, I asked for chicken sandwhich. So that's what I got. Took her another half hour to deliver the food. Hmm, now it start to become even more interesting.

Finally, just as I was about to leave, I got my food. Then she ran off saying that she's too tired. However, showing very obvious sign that she didn't want me to escort her back to her car. Unexpected. Got out of the building and saw the other guy's car speeding off and then seeing it next to her car on the back of the building a minute later, unexpected. But a telling sign of what's going on.

So, they started dating. Now it's my time to have some fun with the two of them. It'll be my pleasure to manipulate the situation for my own personal enjoyment and maybe even a bit of revenge. HAHAHA. BTW, this explained why he was invited to go to my reward dinner... Hmmm, indeed interesting. I'll have to start plotting my activities for next few weeks so I can get the maximum enjoyment out of this. Again, hahahaha.

Don't be surprise I acted this way, much more calmer these days 'cause I finally realize that my just made a bad investment.
posted by HELL at 22:43

 
It's so sad. My sister is talking about moving out bayarea to Las Vegas. She's going there to open a metal shop there. I guess the only thing I can do now is do my best to support her...
posted by HELL at 00:10

 
One thing that I realized is this weekend is that I'm immature. I had been blaming her for everything without looking at myself and what I had done. Yup, it's the self-reviewing process that I must go thru now. (Look how much a nice hiking trip will do for me) I need to re-examine myself and how I truly feel and want.

As of now, I had determine that I'm still some maturity level away from being able to offer what she needed in a bf. So I'll continue work on that. I know this relationship will not work out the way I originally hoped, but the friendship can still continue. Time to explore oneself now.

When she called today, that's what I'm thinking too. So I didn't act overzealous like last friday night. Hopefully I can continue this trend. hehehe. Still though, I think it's her fault that she invited another friend to join our dinner which was supposely my reward for all the hardwork I did for her father's day gift. oh well, maybe one day I'll look past that, when I'm more mature...
posted by HELL at 16:08

 
So she lost the UPC code for the memory stick I got for her, so I guess I'm down $15. Well, just another thing that she'll owe me and one day, she'll have to repay it... I'm just trying to get my mind of her right now so I'm not so control by her. Meditation, that should help me.
posted by HELL at 21:56

 
Wow, I calm down so quickly. I guess I'm on my way to getting over her...
posted by HELL at 00:47

 
I REALLY DO HATE HER!!! She was supposely take me out to dinner to thank me for all that hours I put in for HER father's day gift. And yet, she invited another guy to come along, and cheap food (which I don't care anyway). It really sucks. Friend had some good fortune, people are introducing girl to him. Sister is demanding that I help her in her move to Las Vegas and starting a new business. Nobody really care about what I want or need. DAMN, LIFE SUCKS. After some fast driving, loud music, and running, I'll be fine... Hopefully.
posted by HELL at 23:28

 
I guess I should be honored that she consider me more than just another co-worker but her "FRIEND". HAHA, like that's going to mean much to me. She did ask me if I want to go pick cherries this weekend. Ah, the connotations of "picking cherries". We'll see what happen.
posted by HELL at 23:37

 
Well, found out she miss the flight on Sat, had to wait for the next flight as stand-by. So when I called, she was late to the airport. I guess that's why I got yell at. HAHAHA, just as I expected, she's always so mean to me :((
As for her trip back to Chicago, it sounded like she had great time there. Got her dress for her friend's wedding, but still agonized over going there or not. 'Cause she wanted to find someone who could drive her there, cheer her up and then back. She's so demanding as always, and as my gullible self, I offer to go if the date is right. Of course, she just laughed off. Expected. She brought back some candies from Chicago, the Vitamin C type. Expected. She page me in the morning to tell me about the candy and then ask for another favor. Expected. I can pretty much guess exactly what she'll do. I guess I just know her so well now. I don't know what I'm feeling now and why I have these feelings. I'm just so confuse at the moment. I really do need to clear my head up. Can't wait 'til my birthday. "Cause I know exactly what I'm going to do...
posted by HELL at 00:04

 
Did have some fun playing with kids and talking to sister's friends in my nephew's birthday. So that's fun for saturday afternoon.

Haven't gotten drunk in awhile. Did that on Saturday night. And did some smoking as well. Bad bad boy.

Got up early sunday morning, throw up and then ran a 10k-run. Man, hangover really hamper me and I'm just too old to do this.

It's monday night, she's supposely back tonight, but doubt there'll be a phone call from her. Got to stop haveing hope. Give up hope, and move on...

BTW, seriously thinking about goin to South Africa's Safari. Only if I could find someon to go... MY LIFE SUCKS:(

posted by HELL at 20:39

 
She knew that I was mad over the fact that she told everyone else about the movie but me. I kinda let her know about my fraustration. So she's extra nice to moi today :) She even went to Fry's and Costco with me, w/o much of the usual complaining. Plus she knew that she owe me all the favors she asked me about the PDA and much more. Now at least I let her know about my feeling, somewhat. Great job and a good pad on my back. She's off to Chicago now for her sister's graduation. Let's see what she brings back for me from her home town... I know it'll be candy, hopefully something good :)
posted by HELL at 00:49

 
Damn, she wouldn't even tell me that she was leaving early tomorrow to go watch Matrix with friends in SF. (BTW, she wanted to watch it in IMAX, and won't believe me when I told her it won't be ready until later, sigh:( ) After all the stuff I had done for her, still she wouldn't let me something this trivial. And here I am spending hours getting her father's day present ready, download pictures and musics, getting the software ready. I am basically doing all the stuff I could to help her, and putting my own work and life on the back-burner. And what did I get, pretty much a cold shoulder. So sad, oh well, I'm just going to let it go and move on, I could dwindle on this for the next week and be back at the same place again. sigh... Just don't want to complain too much and be back at the same place again. As long as I'm letting her know of my displeasure of the situation, it's great step forward. I can't be always so gentleman-like, need to get her to know my feeling and fraustration at times. Sure, she offer lunch or something for all the stuff I did for her. but hey what do I care about. None of this matter anymore, I'm so looking forward to my vacation, be it in the nice warm weather of Egypt or the cold winter of Chile, anything is better than spending time dealing with her at this point. Can't believe I spend so much time, effort, and money and basically got nothing in return. Bad investment strategy. I guess that's what I'll have to work on...
posted by HELL at 00:10

 
Being such a nice guy, I gave her the pda w/o getting the check from her. Okie, that's not much of goodness, however, I was much more calmer and feel much more in peace with my inner feeling today. She went to SF and watch 2 movies with some guy (okie, I could guess who he is) and then went apartment hunting on sunday. She claim that she was too busy to call me. She also claim she was mad at me for lying about me not having dinner on thursday night and then being depress on friday. So I admit that was kinda bad of me to get sympathy from her. But, I only did it because I felt unfarily treated when she ruin my thursday by rejecting my invitation of nice sushi dinner only hours before my reservation. I had to cancel my reservation. And her only reason was that she just want to go home and eat. Oh well, not much use in thinking about that anymore . Don't much care what she said or do. Don't really care if she's going to call me or just continue to ignore me. I'm going to be more relax when I'm around her and just trying to create havoc in the life of those who still see any values in pursuiting her. So I'm EVIL!!!

She had plan to move to a new apartment. Oh do I dread the day when I have to move her big TV. This is going suck...
posted by HELL at 22:30

 
Nothing can be compare to spending sometime with innocent childrens. After babysitting my niece and nephew, I had become more contempt with my life. The rages inside of me was released and I'm much more in peace with myself. Good day for me.
posted by HELL at 11:30

 
Must be on a streak of bad lucks, 'cause I felt like that everywhere I turn, the god of forturne is smiling upon me, wickedly. Bad luck at work with broken wafers and stuff. Bad luck with relationship, both with friends and families, even bad luck in a simple computer game. Don't know, maybe I need to look harder for a good luch charm.

Very depress this morning, and acting like it. Then she had to pay back a bet so took me out to lunch (one of the those rare ones where I don't have to pay). I was still very so depress but I guess it's hard to continue even the girl sitting in front of you tried to cheer you up, albeit not full-heartedly. My gentleman side just won't let me to do anything else but please the lady. Sadly, that's what I did. Ok, so I did lied a little bit about not eating much the night before. Which was true since I practically lost my appetite after she rejected my invitation to dinner. Well, I think she's a little bit mad about the fact that I lied. But I guess she never thought about how many times she lied to me...

One thing I learn is that when a heart is broken to a thousand pieces, there just not many ways to pick it up and put it back together again. So, when she walking to one of our co-worker's wife's birthday party with another guy friend and holding coldstone ice cream, I thought, this is pretty much it. Since she had clearly made the choice, why shouldn't I honor that and just leave her alone. So that's what I'll do. Instead of trying to mingle in her affairs, I should just move on and concentrate more in my own goals. Damn, I'm really moving ahead and leaving all the sorrows behind, at least I hope it's true. Life is just like a box of chocolate, you never know what you going to get.

Deepest sorrow is a heart that cannot rejoice. So true...

Go Mello Kitty.

Still have her pda, probably will give it to her at some point in the near future, still pondering if I should just confront her about where I stand in her ladder of friends... What should I help her anymore with anything??? C'est la vie...
Moving on, I need to plan my vacation soon. Regardless what everyone else does, I'm getting my vacation. Just trying to decide on where and when to take it.
posted by HELL at 01:38

 
Overall another bad day for me...

Just as I thought I'm going to have a nice sushi dinner with her tonight, I got rejected. I'm more sad than mad right now. There is a chinese saying that "sadness is at its most when the heart dies and all hopes are gone!" That's pretty much how I felt. I was just so tire of doing so much for her and getting no respect or appreciation from her. So I'm just going to let my heart bleed until all are gone.

The day hadn't been good to me at work neither. So much problems at work with the stupid system. Just very bad day for me. I probably just going to watch Eco-challenge for the rest of the night and refuse most (maybe all) human contacts.

sigh.... A sad sad day for me. I need a vacation right now, preferrably with alcohol and everything.
posted by HELL at 22:38

 
Oh yeah, one of her co-worker had a surprise birthday party thrown for her by her group. So nice of them. I wonder if I'll EVER have any surprise birthday party for me. I think a surprise birthday party will actually require people who care about me, which I don't have (so sad), and people who know when my birthday is, which is my fault since I don't really share my birthday with others. Ha, like I indicated in my PDA and previous entry, I guess I'l just spend my birthday either hiking or drinking tea overlooking the ocean at halfmoon bay or both.
posted by HELL at 22:49

 
I hate when I'm not been appreciated. I guess I already gave in to the fact that she'll never ever appreciate all that I had done and will do for her. Oh well, I'm at the point right now that I don't much care anymore. As I told my friend at work, I only care a little (very little) about who she eats lunch with, goes out on weekend, or talking to (nicely I may add) on the phone. In fact, other than hating her for never appreciate me, I had already taken the fact that she and I are so different in our vision of the future (among other problems) and the fact that there just too many guys going after her. Now, I'm just shifting my feeling for her to something along the line of friendship and a girl that I can manipulate psycologically. Yes, I know I'm evil. HAHAHAHHAHAHA (with Dark Vader's breathing in the background)
posted by HELL at 22:36

 
Well, I gave into my gentleman side and got her the PDA and gave her ride to and back to another building at work. Still when I call her to tell her that I could drop by her house to deliver the PDA, all I got is the voicemail. I guess I really shouldn't expect too much from her. While she's complaining about being underappreciated, as usual, she glance over all that I did for her and just outright ignored. But my heart is definitly dying and soon, one day in the future, I'll just get so sick and tire of all the shits I been taking from her and just simply dissappear from her life. Her sister got a long-stem rose from her guy friend. I don't know how she could assume that it's "just a gift." Oh well, that's for her guy friend to deal with. I really don't have the energy to spare some sympathy for him. I have my hand full as is already.
posted by HELL at 00:08

 
Idiot, I just don't understand her. I told her that I'm going to help her get the PDA. But no, she wanted to get it herself, she didn't even know the model # or anything. I was just going to subsidize her and yet she got it herself. Stupid, I don't even know if I should laugh or cry. Now, she claim she didn't understand what I was talking about, such lame excuse. If this wasn't one of those promises that I just don't want to break, I was just tell her that "fine, do whatever you want." If she want to get it by herself or with her other guy friends, then just go ahead and tell me, I'll understand and I could just let her do whatever. I just don't like this whole secrecy thing. She could've just told me, we were talking right before she left to get the PDA. There was ample opportunities for her to just tell me that "hey, thanks for your offer, but I think I'll get it with my own money." That's all she had to said. Do I act as the type of person who people have to lie to 'cause I don't know when to give up??? I'm pretty upset and I don't even know if I want to help her get the PDA. I hate it when people lie to me for no apparent reason or when they don't show any appreciation for I have done for them. And right now she's doing both. And I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER RIGHT NOW!!!

I really don't want to talk about her at all, but she just gets on my nerve all the time these days. Why do I care about her so much? Do I just enjoy being torture by her? Maybe going to Greece and taking a nice vacation away from her is great thing right now!!!
posted by HELL at 23:28

 
Wow, nothing beats reading some insightful articles, regardless the language. I was deeply touch by Carmen's page and what she wrote about. It's just so nice to read about how other people felt about different aspects of life, that's what we lack in this world these days. People don't really take the time to reflect upon themselves anymore. Somewhat sad...

As I was reading Carmen's page, I just realize a great way to enjoy myself on my birthday. I'm going to bring a seat with me to the beach near half moon bay, bring out some hot tea, and enjoy the sound of waves hitting the rock, the salty smell of ocean air, and misty view of the blurry line between the ocean and sky. What a great thing to do, I'm going to put that in my PDA right now.

I'm hoping that this blog will deviate from just about my feelings for her and move on to some more self-reflection and just thoughts about various things in life... Today is a start... Let's hope that I am moving to a new stage of life.
posted by HELL at 20:57

 
It's been a few days since I updated here, been busy the last few days.

Had a nice long talk with her on Monday about friends, relationship, and other stuff. She asked me about my take on the myth about if a guy did not propose after 3 years, then the relationship is over. Well, I basically agree, for most guys, if after 3 years, he still couldn't decide if the girl is right for him, then he probably will just give up and look for other possibilities. Guys are lazy most of the time and they could settle on 2nd choice if it means less work. Although not all guys are like that, and those girls who think there are no guys after them because guys are just too lazy and don't want to spend the effort to go for them are plain sour grapes. There are a lot of guys out there (myself included) will go for a hard-to-get girl if it's worthy. However, we guys really, really, really hate stuck-up girls who think all men should bow to them. We'll do a lot of stupid things to impress girl (case in point, the guy who is writing this blog), but we have our integrity and honor as well. Of course, I didn't mention the whole sour grape part to her.

When she got a chance to leave early, she'll just leave, never ever paid much attention to me, only once in a while page me to just glow about the fact she gets to leave early. While for me, every time I'm leaving early than her, I always let her and leave her a page saying something along the line of "hope you don't have to stay too late." See how nice I am to her. But then again, I should have known, I had been treating her like a princess while she treats me like dirt (ok, maybe a little bit better)

(BTW, she called while I'm typing up this blog. She's complaining that she's confused, and had mixed feeling about people at work. On one side she hated the long working hour, on the other hand, she did enjoy the group activities they have today, KTV. She's naive and impulsive, easily persuaded by peer pressure. Overall, she's a nice person but somewhat mentally weak, susceptable to other's influence.)

I got sick 'cause I took off my shirt during cool down, after running in the dark rainy night. And she just didn't show the care she did with her other guys friends. I felt kinda sad and somewhat hurt. Why can she treat me nicely? As I told my friend, WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE PISS-OFFED HER WHILE SHE'S ALWAYS SO CONSIDERATE TO HER OTHER FRIENDS??? I just don't really understand. She's even nice and considerate to the co-workers who kinda pressure her into working long hours, but whenever she talk to me, she acted annoyed and angry. I guess I just always so nice to her that she know she could use me as her punching bag and she could yell and screaming at me all she want 'cause at the end, I'm still act the same. Well, that's true, the gentleman side of me will never allow me to harm her in anyway, except for some verbal retaliation once in a long while. I'm just so use to bottle up everything inside me that most people thought I'm just hyper-active, always happy, naive young adult. Not that many people can see thru my mask and even less know really anything about me. And there really isn't anybody who cares about me. As I indicated in my PDA, I'll probably spend my birthday hiking the hills. Nobody remembers about my birthday anyway, except for my sis. She'll probably just send me a greeting card over email, parents are just too busy with their work to remember or care about it. None of my friend knows about my birth date, nor do they care. Not that it even matters to me. I had spend most of my birthdays this way. I had only celebrate one birthday in my life and that's because all my cousins did it that year. After that, I had never really celebrate my birthday, not with friends, rarely with family. Like I said nobody cares about me enough to remember my birthday. Although, this year, I'm secreatly hoping that she would remember and help me enjoy the day. Even something really small such as a nice dinner would propel me to cloud nine. I mean afte all that I had done for her, I thought it's fair for her to do this little thing for me. Especially all the stuff she did for her other friends' birthdays. Now, I won't remind her, if she remembers, then that's great, if not, I'll have a lot of time to reflect on this whole relationship between her and me during the hike. Let's see what'll happen in 5 months.

She's always complain to me about work. And never appreciate the fact that I been trying my best to comfort her and cheer her up. She never notice that I'm always there for her (I do the same for most of my co-workers, but I try extra hard for her), doing whatever I can to help her out. All her co-workers notice it, but she just so blind to that fact. I don't know what I had done in the previous life to her to deserve this kind of punishment :( I just don't understand why I have to endure such hardship of unfairness. I mean spend a lot of time and effort trying to treat her as nice as can, and yet I get a few lousy phone calls when she's bored. In fact, I don't even get the honor (I'm not sure about any honor in this though) to take her to airport. So who am I to her, I ask once again and probably won't get any answer. She even blocks my phone # so her parent won't know I existed. I guess I'm not much to her except a guallible co-worker who she could really take advantage of.

I'm kinda depress about that. However, I'm not really mad any more, especially after venting in this blog. Soon, hopefully, I'll be able see this whole thing more clearly and with better subjectivity. Wish me luck!!!
posted by HELL at 01:50